[ SECRET POST #5169 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #5169 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.


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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 33 secrets from Secret Submission Post #740.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

I agree with the way you chose to rewrite the first two. I think, however, that the problem in the first may be more related to the clumsiness of the sentence... It does, as you said, depend largely on how deep the POV is, but the order in which facts are presented doesn't create a very coherent image in the reader's mind IMO

For the second, "agitated yet confused" suffers definitely from too much tell (also why 'yet'?), but I would be willing to bet that op considers "in a ___ tone" bad writing, though YMMV on that one XD

I deffo think that your re-writinf versions fix these issues too, though.