fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #5199 ]

⌈ Secret Post #5199 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 31 secrets from Secret Submission Post #744.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
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(because i need it but maybe y'all do too)

i thought i'd finally started emotionally distancing myself from a friend that seemed to have grown apart from me without me realising. i was like hardcore depressed about it but finally mellowing out.

but now they've made some very sweet comments and sent me memes that they thought i'd enjoy which they've never done before and it's all gone downhill again. i miss how things were :( but i know that if i keep running after them i'll just feel used and pathetic

Why the fuck did I have to get a painful ear infection right when I'm not sure if I have health insurance? The pharmacist was a fucking Godsend and found a coupon to help me pay $22 for my 20 pills instead of $60. I was so fucking lucky too that my doctor found an appointment to do a video visit with me today. IDK if I'll have insurance (long story I don't want to get into; fuck capitalism and fuck the US's shitty fucking policies) to cover the costs for my 10 minute video chat with my doctor.
I can't eat or drink because the right side of my throat is swollen from my lymph node, even swallowing saliva is painful. I have to grip onto something before taking a gulp. I want to eat because I was told to take my meds with food but I can barely swallow!! This morning I was gagging so hard on my uvula I thought I would vomit a few times. Meds are supposed to take 1-3 full days before I start to feel better. FUCK THIS WORLD!!!!!!!!!! I hate when my lymph nodes act up! Happened at least once a year in my teens. Didn't happen in my 20s and somehow in my fucking 30s it started up again. I hate having tiny ear holes (apparently a thing, I discovered 3 or 4 years ago).

i'm so sorry that sounds like it sucks major ass. hope you can hang in there <3

oh I do.

I'm TIRED. I'm still tired. I mentioned a month ago being tired of cooking; I tried the general suggestion of a "hard reset" by not cooking/eating things I didn't need to cook for two weeks. It didn't work. I just got sick of sandwiches and Kraft dinner instead and now that I'm back to cooking I'm still angry and sick of it.

But I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of trying to detox and quit booze, I just want to be drunk all the time. I'm tired of masturbating. I'm tired of my roommate's shitty coping methods and I'm tired of biting my tongue every time her family abuses her, her own shitty coping method of binge eating triggers my shitty coping method of drinking, I'm tired of republicans, I'm tired of racists, I'm tired of people interfering in my shit, I'm tired of the weather, I'm tired of America, I'm tired. I'm sick and fucking tired of life. I'm fucking tired of having to wait out everything - wait out covid so I can go to Japan, wait out vaccine eligibility to get my shot, wait until we can have events again so I can LARP and cosplay, wait until I'm approved for my transition surgery...I'm fucking sick of waiting and nothing I'm doing or can do with my life is going to make any of it any better.

Thank you for letting me scream into the FS void.

Pretty much feel most of this.

..........

Well, I've managed to pull something in my hip from being on the toilet all day yesterday being constipated. And I also managed to clog the toilet bad enough we had to call a plumber.

Also got my period. I'm cold, annoyed, bloody, and in pain.

I really just want to spend the next two days sleeping in bed with a heating pad on my stomach and an ice pack on my hip. But I have too much work to do tomorrow. Thankfully I work from home. But still.

I'm working retail to support myself through grad school and holy tits I am so damn sick of customers. So many of them are just rude and stupid and belligerent and even the nice ones are emotionally draining to deal with and frequently willfully lazy and just. Not smart at all. The company/the regional manager keep doing things that are small in themselves some of them, but altogether make our jobs increasingly harder and more complicated/demanding and I'm just running out of energy to even gaf anymore. But, it's the only damn job I have ever had that (because of commission) pays me a living wage. So I'm stuck here because there simply are no jobs that will give me a living wage while being flexible enough to allow me to go to classes. The career I want requires an advanced degree, so I have to keep going because I'm not yet employable in that field, and there aren't any available internship type positions currently.

I wish I could keep my house clean. I wish I liked cleaning. I finally started scrubbing counters this afternoon, because I have a day off, and I can do about half an hour before I get distracted, even with a movie on as background noise, because I hate housecleaning. The five or ten minutes a day I clean on workdays suffice to keep the sink from overflowing with dishes most of the time, but that's about it. I have another section of counter and the stovetop to do, and neither is as bad as the floor, and I'm already tired. I've tried all the tricks, and none of them work but panic.

Felt that loads. Lord, how I hate sweeping and mopping. And just cleaning in general.

Mine is a definite first world problem, but my cell phone case doesn’t match the website photo and I’m pretty annoyed by it. I knew it was a transparent design, but there was an option to see it on a black phone and the colors still popped, just not as brightly as they would on a lighter phone. I got it today and it’s way more muted in real life. You can’t see the colors at all on a black phone and I can’t return it unless I want to pay to ship it back overseas, so I’m just annoyed by it all.

I just got an email saying someone at my workplace has tested positive for COVID. I don’t know if it’s someone who works on the same days I do, but even if not, maybe they touched something on Saturday that I touched on Monday, and I know that we quarantine returned products for 3 days. I just got my first shot last week so I’m not really protected. My throat started feeling a bit swollen after I read the email, but I’m 99% sure that’s my anxious mind fucking with me. My temperature right now is 98.4, which I know is “normal”, but I tend to run closer to 97. I just want to feel safe, and I don’t, and it’s tiring.

[ SECRET POST #5199 ]

Venting

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TMI

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