fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #5302 ]

[ SECRET POST #5302 ]

⌈ Secret Post #5302 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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I was trying to come up with gift ideas for a friend today and it brought back some old childhood memories that I'd kind of forgotten about and I wanted to tell someone, but I don't have anyone I feel comfortable sharing this with so here goes? My family didn't have a lot of money when I was little, but circumstances improved as I got older. We were never desperately poor, we didn't go without meals or anything like that. We just didn't get many new clothes or toys, we stuck to cheap/free activities like going to the park, stuff like that.

I mostly never noticed as a kid, but as I got older I did feel a little bit ashamed about how I never had the latest [whatever] because my mother refused to spend money on it. She grew up poor herself, and even when we were financially comfortable, she still had that mindset where she refused to spend money on anything she deemed frivolous... which was most things, really. I didn't love that, but I was resigned to it. I didn't complain about wearing peoples' hand-me-downs and I (mostly) didn't complain about not wearing "cool" clothes or whatever.

But one area where I really, really hated her tendency to pinch pennies was Secret Santa gift exchanges in school. I don't remember if we had the choice to opt out, but even if we did, that would've been weird and the other kids would've noticed so it didn't really occur to me to get out of it. Besides, I loved surprise presents! But I kind of dreaded it because I knew that:

1) I didn't have any money, nor would she give me any for this purpose because it was frivolous
2) I wasn't allowed ANY input into what I gave my Secret Santa. All my ideas (where I tried to pick something they'd like) were scoffed at and dismissed, because even without the frugality, my mother was the type of person who gave practical presents, stuff that she thought you should use.
3) I'd always end up having to give my Secret Santa something not-fun and lame, and I'd be embarrassed as hell
4) My mother didn't believe me that this would happen, or she didn't care, I don't know which.

Now, my suggestions weren't extravagant and they were well within my family's budget: small stuffed animal, candy, some cute costume jewelry, a cool pen, etc. But they were all shot down because they weren't practical, candy's unhealthy, jewelry is junk, regular pens are cheaper than cool pens that write in glittery, colored ink, etc. etc. My mother absolutely refused to believe that a ten year old would not want a random Christmas tree ornament she got on sale last year, or a small toiletries bag that she got for free when she bought make up for herself. I hated giving that to people and watching them struggle to be polite while being really, really disappointed, but there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

I don't have kid and don't plan on having any, but if I ever do I swear to god I'll never do this to my kid. I won't spoil my kids, but I'm not going to try to teach them a lesson about giving crappy presents so you can save a buck. I'm not going to dismiss their ideas as stupid the way my mother did.

I'm sorry, this bothered me more than I realized...

"They fuck you up, your mom and dad/they may not mean to, but they do..."

I'm sorry, OP, that sounds like zero fun, even without your mom being dismissive and patronizing about you wanting to give nice gifts.

You're fine, nonny. Unpleasant memories sometimes pop up when you want it the least, especially previously buried childhood stuff. It's okay to be bothered by it. I'm guessing your mother meant well, but it's unfortunate she let issues from her own childhood affect yours.

I'm sorry OP. That's awful that you were put in a crappy situation. You're valid in your anger. Your mom meant well, but it was par for the course that she wouldn't understand why social situations would make things emotionally distressing for you when frugality came to play. It was unfair though that she couldn't compromise.

I have my own little random sad childhood memories rant. It's going to be a really long ranty mess.
TL;DR: Misogyny sucks, stop slut shaming girls and women for merely existing
TW/CW: Child abuse, body shaming, slut shaming, sexual harassment, sexual assault, emotional abuse, verbal abuse

I was DMing a friend and we talked about the hierarchy in our sibling dynamic. The Model Child, Black Sheep, The Other One. And for me, my sister (the eldest) was the Model Child, my brother was the Black Sheep, and I am the 2nd daughter so I was The Other One.
It brought back memories of being compared to my sister, and it was especially harsh growing up in a patriarchal Asian community. Beauty standards in Asian communities are SEVERE and even babies are not spared criticism.
My sister is 3 years older than me, so the comparisons were always there. My parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, every one told me my sister was the pretty one. She had fairer skin than me, she was a size 0, thin and petite, hair that doesn't frizz. Apparently I was dark skinned, fat with a belly, fat and wide, with big feet (how dare I wear size 6 1/2 while my mom and sister find size 5 shoes a LITTLE loose), gross wavy hair with frizzy baby hairs I don't know how to manage flying everywhere.
A few years ago, I was moving and packing up and came across pictures of myself in 8th grade (of course, when I was feeling extremely ugly and fat) and I thought that I looked like such a cute, pretty girl. I resented that I was likely no more than a size 10(? I was so afraid of my true size at that time I think I purposely went out of my way to find clothing that wouldn't fit or was a generic size, no numbers) yet by that point in time my mom and sister were telling me on a daily basis that I was fat and that my skin was too dark. And that my hair was an unmanageable mess.
Yet, the pictures I looked at....like, I didn't look any different in size or anything in terms of beauty standards from my friends. Like, I certainly didn't look as fat as I recall feeling at that age. My skintone looked fine (besides, like, who cares how dark I am?). My hair was OK? It was long with a middle parting? Like, I looked like a legit normal child in middle school.
And then I recalled how my body began to grow way differently from my sister. See...both my mom and sister are petite. My sister likely was at most a B Cup in bra size. My mom....MAYBE a C. Me? By the time I was in 5th grade my sister's hand-me-down training bras were too small. By 7th grade a boy in my class made a gross boobie gesture at me, making me extremely aware that other people knew that I had big boobs (again, I was fucking terrified of tag sizes...pretty sure at that point I was nearing/at a D cup). Also, all my friends thought that boy was so cute because he could break dance and knew Tae Kwan Do but I was afraid he was going to grope me any time I was near him. I was too ashamed of my body to tell anyone about it, even my friends.
T__T Seriously, fuck the world for making girls feel so ashamed of their bodies, fucking hell.
My sister had a flat stomach and not much in terms of wide hips or butt. Guess who got a huge butt and sorta wide hips? Me. Even with a flat stomach at that time, my mom and sister told me I had rolls of fat. Looking back, it was because I starting to develop wider hips. And then I got thicker thighs too (5th grade was a tough time, I began noticing I had thick thighs in 5th grade).
It just made my mind spiral into being pissed off that we bring girls into this world and immediately pit them against each other. Set them up to think that these unrealistic beauty standards are normal or that they mean anything.
And then we make them feel ashamed of their own bodies, which are perfectly normal and perfectly beautiful as they are!
Like, seriously, looking back with a critical adult mind, I'm pretty sure my mom was afraid of my body and how the world would react to it. It wasn't so much that I was "fat and ugly" but more so that I had big boobs and wide hips. I remember hating any form of shopping with my mom or sister, bra shopping: Mom and sister would find uncomfortable bras with no support for me and made my boobs feel saggy. The bras couldn't be cute designs, they had to be black or white, and most times, a crappy sports bra that made my boobs shapeless. Underwear shopping, afraid of my true size, I'd always buy underwear that was one or two sizes too small or too big because I'd just guess the size and buy, and if it didn't fit at home, I didn't want to ask my mom to take me for an exchange because she'd bitch and moan to me about it and I'd get another lecture about how it's because I'm fat that I'm inconveniencing her. Clothes shopping were horrifically awful. My mom would browse around and complain she couldn't find anything that would fit me (at the time I interpreted it as "You're too fucking fat" but now, I pretty sure my mom meant "the clothing will be form fitting and we can't have that") and I'd be so riddled with shame and guilt for existing as a fat ugly person that I'd try to find clothing that didn't stick out too much but most of all were comfortable and wouldn't reveal skin, because no one wants to see a fat girl showing off skin. Girls shouldn't reveal their skin, but fat girls especially shouldn't try to show off or wear anything that screams "I'm confident in this body".
All of that bullshit because everyone was afraid that my body would tell the world that I'm a slut and I was a fucking kid!!! Oh my fucking God, like, fuck my mom and sister for body shaming me for what I couldn't stop my body from doing, even if I had worked out and eaten less/healthier at that age, there was no way I could have stopped my boobs or butt or thighs from growing.

As an adult, I do feel sad in a vapid way, like, I wish I had the body I had when I was that age now. I would appreciate that body a lot more now. But at the same time, I can tell myself that I'm beautiful. The only person I need to impress is myself so I need to love my body even if I get insecure and think that I want a different body shape. Fuck everyone who ever made me feel ashamed of my body.

Bonus: I was sexually assaulted when I was in pre-school on a school bus in front of my classmates (3 of whom were cousins of mine) and no one did anything. My parents knew about it, every one knew about it since my cousins were there. No one did anything. My family moved away and I went to a different school a few weeks later (it was incidental; my parents had already begun the moving process before the bus incident). My assault is one of those things where....I guess I sort of forgot as time went on? I don't recall my family ever talking about it after we moved to the new house. Maybe some cousins would bring it up from time to time (but honestly, I can't recall). But in my early 20s, that memory happened to have come up and at first I thought it was one of those "LOL scary childhood memories that are cringe to remember" memories, but I started crying and realized that it was an event that I can't talk about lightly. Took a few years to recognize it as sexual assault. And I think that event played heavily into me subconsciously spending so many years ashamed of my body, and to have my mom and sister always telling me I had a lot of physical faults intensified my insecurities.

Thank you for sharing this. I'm so sorry you went through all of it, and had people be so awful to you when they should have been supportive. I'm glad you survived all of this. You're a fucking warrior! <3

I'm sorry you had to go through that, and experience such awful behavior from your family and peers. Hope you're doing better.

Ugh, like others said, that bites. ...I don't really know what to say other than that.

Kinda ties into what I'd contribute to a "melancholy thoughts" thread, though. I've been writing scenes between a character and his estranged father, and occasionally I'm second-guessing myself on having him still secretly angry at his father and emotional over stuff. I mean okay, he's in his late 20s, they didn't speak for close to a decade until recently, so surely he's matured enough to calm down and not be so bitter about his less-than-pleasant childhood? And possibly his partner shouldn't still be having nightmares about a traumatic experience five years ago? Maybe I'm doing the same thing some recent secrets have been talking about, where mature adult characters are being too emotional?

Then I remembered that I'm well past late 20s and I still get bursts of bitter rage about the stuff my parents inflicted on me and have nightmares revisiting it even though it happened 30 years ago now. Just control it better so it doesn't show. ...So yeah, I guess it's not wildly inappropriate or unrealistic...

That's really sucks nonny, but I will also say that this is the second story I've read about parents fucking with their kids social school events, and I think as much as the parents kinda suck for it, the school should really try to find another way to involve kids in activities, ones that don't buck up against family dynamics.

Get over yourself. Your Mom was trying her best. If that's the worst of your childhood, she did pretty good too especially if you weren't well off.

nayrt, but my god, shut the fuck up. This isn't helpful in the least. Parents can "try their best" and still do hurtful things to their kids. One does not negate the other, it doesn't negate the damage done to the kid, and it doesn't take away the right of the kid to feel something about it.

"if that's the worst of your childhood" - did you not get the memo that the suffering olympics is NOT a thing?

DA
Also, the thread title is literally "Melancholy thoughts thread." not "Woe is me, my childhood sucked more than all of yours! thread.".

nayrt - Exactly. It's a shame there are some asshats out there who see every expression of sadness and pain as a competition, and they're the judge of who gets to feel sad and who doesn't.

"Your Mom was trying her best" excuses so much toxic, nasty behaviour from parents. But you're an asshole, so you probably know "toxic" and "nasty" pretty well...

Fuck off. You don't have to be beaten, starved and locked in a basement during childhood for it to "count". If you don't have any empathy and compassion for OP, then fine, keep it to yourself. You sound like an asshole.

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[ SECRET POST #5302 ]

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