Case (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
case) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandomsecrets2009-02-16 05:18 pm
case) wrote in fandomsecrets2009-02-16 05:18 pm
[ SECRET POST #773 ]
⌈ Secret Post #773 ⌋
Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.
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[Pete Wentz, Fall Out Boy]
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Notes:
Secrets Left to Post: 12 pages, 300 secrets from Secret Submission Post #111.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 2 - not!secrets ], [ 1 - not!fandom ], [ 1 2 3 4 - too big ], [ 1 - repeat ], [ 1 - posted twice ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.
121
You don't have to admit that you have no compassion. I really doubt that's what people want of you, since it wouldn't really help anything or anyone. However, when you ask "how can I fix this?" I think you might be sending the wrong message. While many of us are socialized by school and our parents to ask questions like that when we screw up (I know I certainly was, anyway)when you're dealing with people who are your equals, who aren't your parents or your teachers or your friends, it can really send the wrong signals. You can come off like your putting the burden of making yourself a better person on other people, which is inconsiderate--it's not their job to fix you. It's your job to listen, and lurk more, and not repeat that mistake. It's your job to apologize again the next time you make another mistake, to acknowledge that you fucked up again, and then wait for the kerfuffle to blow over and keep trying. While a lot of people ask that question very innocently, or at least unconscious of their own inclination to shift the blame, it's a pretty common technique to shut down conversations in some circles, and if people have dealt with that attitude before, that's the experience they're bringing with them when they speak with you.
The other problem is often (from my time on the other side of the argument where I'm not the one getting in trouble) that there's no way to "fix" it. There's not a right answer. It's like if I complain about the way a female character is written, and someone else asks me how it OUGHT to be done... well. There's not one answer to that. There's not just one "right" answer. There are a lot of answers, and many of them are problematic. Many of them might be wrong. In some situations the best you can do is not be wrong.
I'm not sure how helpful this is, but I figured I would give it a shot.
Re: 121
The thing is, sometimes a person who did something wrong may not know what s/he did wrong, and so is asking what it was. IMHO, I don't see anything wrong with this. And while I agree the burden of improving oneself should be on oneself, if someone doesn't know what went wrong, s/he has every right to find out what. Sometimes you can't improve yourself without input from other people, even people you've never met, you know? It might send the wrong signals, but continuous ridicule and mocking is hardly an appropriate response.
There's not a right answer. It's like if I complain about the way a female character is written, and someone else asks me how it OUGHT to be done... well.
Personally, no one should be asking you how something ought to be done in the first place -- if you don't like something, that's all there is to it, and other people should just live and let live. And sometimes, anyone asking that question is just looking for a confrontation anyway.
In some situations the best you can do is not be wrong.
There's nothing wrong with being wrong about something. The worst that can happen is someone comes along and changes your mind, and that's not a bad thing. Or perhaps getting mocked, but then again anyone who does that either doesn't have a logical response or doesn't know how to formulate one.
Re: 121
I agree that input from other people is important, and if the criticism that the OP is receive is just being told that she's wrong, then asking why is appropriate. On the other hand, if she's being told that thing X that she did was wrong, then she's asking what she should have done instead, then she might be unintentionally shifting responsibility for fixing the problem, or at least seeming to. I'm sorry if I wasn't clear about that.
I also don't think that being wrong necessarily makes someone a bad person. We've all been wrong before. We'll all be wrong again. It doesn't necessarily reflect on us in a larger sense, particularly if we respond well to having the problem pointed out. However, I think the worst thing that happens if we're wrong isn't that we get mocked, it's that we hurt other people by being wrong.