fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #5348 ]

[ SECRET POST #5348 ]

⌈ Secret Post #5348 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

[Dhux's Scar]

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02.

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03.

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04. [SPOILERS for The Green Knight]

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05. [SPOILERS for Song of Farca]

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06. [WARNING for incest/underage ship]

[Enola Holmes]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 00 secrets from Secret Submission Post #765.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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AYRT exactly. It doesn't have to make sense--not to mention that coming out and existing openly and admitting crushes should be a personal choice anyway, and one of those choices is "I don't want to do it"

I'm also thinking OP is probably on the younger side, since millenials and older can more clearly remember when thr best you could reasonably assume was that someone was "okay" with gay people, not even a full ally.

For real. It ain't about YOU.

Got two hours of sleep, still cleaning because the procrastination/panic switch in my brain finally flipped yesterday. I hate that my brain does this.

I wish I could just decide to do something and then do it, rather than wait for the panic tsunami while screaming "just do one fucking thing on the to-do list you useless lump of grey goo!" at my own brain.

No matter how annoying it is to observe from outside, I guarantee being stuck inside my fucked-up brain all the time is more annoying. If I could actually make myself do 1/3 the stuff I want to do on a daily basis, I would probably be a fucking millionaire.

And it's not laziness. I have plenty of energy. I just spend it sprinting on the anxiety hamster wheel and I can't stop until there's some kind of crisis that requires me to chew through a brick wall.

I can usually get some habitual chores and exercise done regularly, but aside from washing dishes, laundry, and myself, cleaning isn't on my easy list. Even putting the clean laundry and dishes away is like climbing Everest.

Executive dysfunction fucking sucks. I know ADHD can cause it, but so can autism, trauma, and depression. And I'm not depressed, just annoyed at myself. Back to cleaning.

Yeah, I was going to say, my corner of fandom is mostly focused on the Clone Wars era, so it’s fairly quiet. Or maybe I’ve just lucked out?

thanks! i got some very yummy things!!! Also two warm-up-and-ready-to-eat meals for work next week!

> I didn't hate the slow pace but I wish I'd known what to expect going in

How...? Did you expect the trailer to hold your hand and be like, ok the pacing is going to be a little slow? It's a 130min movie, it wasn't unexpected.

Sure, Jan. Sure. Not everyone lives in areas of high queer acceptance like your stupid ass. Hope you never have to deal with this.

The thing you keep missing, so I will put in tinier words so you do understand, is that even outspoken queer allies may not, in fact, be allies when queers finally show open attraction to them! These people are a dime a dozen! You will see them as allies until you confess, and then they might fucking assault you! So unless you can verify that they won't, then you can't say for sure! So it's extremely privileged to go "just like allies and other queers" when the latter might be hard to find because you're in a bigoted area and even trying to find some would put you at risk, and the former might not be telling the truth!

You got this, anon! I'm rooting for you.

I like to tell myself "one thing at a time before/so I don't lose my mind".

I struggle with procrastination and feelings of anxiousness and feeling down/really getting in my head instead of being present, and getting shit done can be a struggle. I'm starting to treat myself like I would if I was my friend (I'm trying, anyway). Which is to say -- you put that piece of paper you would have left lying around in the trash? Good! I'm proud of you. Next thing. You showered? Well done. Did you put those shoes away? Great! This kind of...patience for myself. Because I'm not someone else,and neither are you (like yeah, there's people out there doing 102 things and living their etc. etc. but we have to start where we are, accepting who we are and that the pace of the journey might be different for everyone). One step at a time, we'll make it, anon! And breathe. Gotta keep breathing. Check in with someone/your progress-- check in here if you need to!

This reminds me, my county library system has finally opened back up for in-person browsing instead of doing online requests and curbside pickup only. Time to go to the library!

Comment OP here--I wasn't expecting an action movie with tons of lightning fast cuts, but I also wasn't expecting to spend so many long tracking shots vaguely uncomfortable because I kept feeling like I was waiting for the jump scare in a horror movie. I'm not a horror movie fan, but I get the same feeling watching them.

I've watched other films where the slower than Hollywood typical pace and atmosphere encourages contemplation and stuff, but the general tone was more wistful or romantic or awe-inspiring. There were some awesome as in awe-inspiring moments in The Green Knight, but for me they were outnumbered by things that made me twitchy. Back before the pandemic I saw a lot of theatre, and watching the film felt more like seeing a serious, slightly unnerving stage play than most films I enjoy.

And it's totally possible to have a 2 hour 10 minute movie that feels like it never stops moving and everything is loud and frantic and frequently involves explosions; I would much rather watch The Green Knight again than most of those.

I didn't hate it, and it was well done. I just wasn't expecting it to be what it was.

AYRT

Most of the fic I read didn't show Obi-Wan's teenage years (though some did), but it very much focused on Qui-Gon thinking that he was too old for Obi-Wan, Obi-Wan thinking that Qui-Gon considered him too young and immature, each of them thinking that the other had only paternal/filial or mentor/mentee feelings for him, the two of them negotiating a new relationship with each other as Obi-Wan got older, sometimes examinations of how the Jedi as a whole viewed master/apprentice relationships, etc.

Basically just really leaning into the emotional and sometimes the societal implications of the age gap and of the fact that Obi-Wan became Qui-Gon's apprentice at a fairly young age.

I tried, but it got rejected. Apparently that your mum is doing the milkman just isn't a secret.

Oof, there you go assuming again. Anything more I say will be dismissed as privilege whether I have it or not, so I'll let you go. Good luck with your life, anon.

Get fucking therapy. I say this as someone with similar problems, go get some goddamn therapy already. Your entire bullshit saga feels largely self-imposed because you refuse to get help and keep at it.

Good luck with yours, but you just remind me of every straighty I've talked to who insists they're no privileged at all. You have multiple people in this thread telling you what's up and why, and you're so busy whining that the world is improved in all places enough that this isn't a problem as we can all afford to extremely curate our friendships because uwu sof online safe spaces uwuwuwuwuwuwuwu and bullshit like that.

Seriously, I had an outspoken queer ally friend who, the moment I confessed, tried to get me fucking expelled.

It 100% fucking does, because they CAN afford to curate friendships where some people can't even afford to be out.

I'm cracking the hell up at this because this called my mid-20s gay ass out.

I'm only on the star wars side of tumblr for the memes, otherwise yikes indeed.

UGH.

AYRT- Great minds think alike. ;)

AYRT--I've tried. I went for an intake/screening appointment with my healthcare provider (an HMO) a couple years ago, and was told because I'm not in crisis (not suicidal, self-harming, addicted to or even using drugs or alcohol, have a job and house, etc) the wait time was one month to even make an in-person appointment in three months.

I called the day and time the next appointments opened up and was told to try again next month because all appointments were booked. Repeated the process two months in a row before giving up.

This was before COVID. I have a coworker whose husband is a therapist with them and she says he said the problem is worse now because so many people are in crisis mode rn, even having moved so many appointments to telehealth.

I don't want to knock their system because from going with or talking to people I know who have reached crisis, they go all out to help them. They still make mistakes, but if you've fallen in an alligator pit they'll haul you out and treat you even if you fling yourself in every day.

I went to a half dozen group therapy sessions through them as a kid and another dozen or so more recently, but while mindfulness and deep breathing and talking with the other patients are nice enough, they really only help me with panic attack symptoms, and I don't have them more than once every few months; less in recent years. And the closest are a two hour bus ride each way. I thought COVID would give me more diverse online options, but not so far.

I may try again to get screened for autism/ADHD/etc, but given my family history (all but two are dead from addiction, suicide, or both) the doctors I spoke to said there weren't a lot of safe options for ADHD or anxiety meds for me, and therapy would still be scarce. I've been depressed before, but I'm not currently, so SSRI's and similar won't be much use.

I mean, I'm glad people who are actively suicidal/in withdrawal/being abused/etc can get fast, frequent, generous treatment, and I'm glad to be none of those things. But when I was in crisis mode to survive (dad) or try to help manage (mom) my parents' crises, I didn't really have time. One time the addiction and crisis management people really fucked up and my mom almost died on their watch, and in the ensuing anthill frenzy with like fifteen people piling out of the building to deal with her and meet the paramedics, a group of therapists stopped to tell me I should stop in myself for therapy.

I laughed; it was tax day and I'd been on my way to meet mom's tax guys after dropping her things off at the hospital, and then I had class and work. I used to fall asleep on the trolley and wake up at the end of the line a lot.

I called two weeks after my mom died two years later, but again, not at immediate risk to myself or others.

I have more time now, but despite my kvetching here I'm not at imminent risk of death or self-destruction. I just started working close enough to home to add more mess-mitigation time back into my daily schedule, and the last two weeks of vacuuming, scrubbing, and throwing stuff out gave me a head start.

I've spent the last four+ years figuring out what a life not in crisis mode looks like, learning healthier coping mechanisms, and digging myself out from under a family history straight out of Jerry Springer.

My starting point was so much lower that even my current issues are a victory over my past self and circumstances. Just because I complain because there's tons left to do doesn't mean I haven't been making an effort or seeing progress.

Telling me to get therapy is, well, tell me something I don't know? At this point I think my best hope is getting screened for something there's meds for and hoping the meds don't make me go totally off the rails.

Hi, randomly saw this thread. I don't know you but I just wanna say that anon's reply was a bit rude, but from this reply, do you think it's possible you're downplaying your mental health issues? Especially on intake lines. Again, I don't know your situation, but a lot of therapy taught me that this was the case for me. The only time I've ever texted my therapist outside an appointment he immediately knew I was actively suicidal because "I don't ask for help" so it must've been serious. Please don't let it get to that point.

I am guilty of doing this as are most people who have been raised in a "caretaking" role (especially taking care of their own parents). It's really, really difficult to admit when you need help because you're so used to comparing your problems to other people's problems, and saying "well I'm not doing that bad. I can manage." Which yeah, maybe you can, but people in better states than you are asking for help every day and the difference is they actually get it.

I don't really know what motivated me to type all of this to you. I'm just asking you to consider it. The possibility that you are depressed is a real one, whether you think you are "depressed enough" or not. If you find yourself calling a therapist's office any time in the future, please be mindful that you are deserving of help. You spend time advocating for other people so you know how to do it - great. Do that for yourself. There is always going to be someone in the world suffering worse than you are. That is no reason to continue suffering alone.

AYRT--thanks for replying and being polite about it. I could be downplaying stuff? Idk.

I've tried listing off the specific things I need to get better at/need help with that make me anxious, but they're not on the intake questionnaires (hoarding, cleaning/organizing, and opening and dealing with physical mail.) I mentioned all three (and family stuff, anxiety, and possible autism/ADHD) to the doctor during the intake appointment. And I was definitely depressed at the time!

I get a bad depression day or two every month along with migraines thanks to PMS, but other than that I'm way better now. I do want to try and get an appointment/get screened for stuff. I just get frustrated and discouraged easily because the appointments themselves are work, and I hate having to jump through hoops for months even to get one in the first place.

I wish the first real therapy session was guaranteed once I made it through the screening, instead of being a separate process. The group sessions work like that--you get a referral and go.

I don't understand how to post secrets anymore, it's been a couple of years since I last posted one but I've been reading regularly. Made a secret to post under the most recent secret submission post but it only says that I need a dreamwidth account, made one and then it said the post was protected, joined and subscribed to fandomsecret but it doesn't give me writing access. Do I really have to ask case for writing access?! Where is the anonymity in that? It used to be so easy to just comment anonymously under the tread and post your secret. What am I doing wrong?

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[ SECRET POST #5348 ]

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Morning rant don't mind me

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Re: Weekend Plans?

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Re: SA

Re: Morning rant don't mind me

Re: Sort of based on 4

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Re: Anyone else submitting secrets?

Re: SA

Re: Morning rant don't mind me

Re: SA

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Re: DA

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Re: Morning rant don't mind me

different anon

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Re: What's happening, FS?