[ SECRET POST #5446 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #5446 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.


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10. [SPOILERS for Wheel of Time]



















Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 00 secrets from Secret Submission Post #779.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

NAYRT

Being a dom and/or a sadist in this context is all about enjoying being that way in the bedroom though, not acting this way 24/7. It’s purely a kink thing. There’s no reason to assume whether a person is actually “nice” based on whether they enjoy being a dom. Unless they just always act like that, which really only happens with fictional femme fatales dominatrix-types.

So no, I suppose it’s not that weird for ignorant outsiders who don’t understand the kink to think doms might be bad people, but that doesn’t mean they’re right. At least not generally, because anyone is capable of being a bad person, regardless of what they’re into. I’m not even remotely into BDSM, and I can still believe that someone whose kink is being dominant and sadistic in sexual settings can be a nice and average person outside the bedroom.

[(Anonymous)]

You don't suddenly get an overwhelming urge to dom someone in the bedroom, and then suddenly have that urge disappear when leaving it. The thought is there all the time, you just have to wait for an appropriate moment to act it out. If a sub is into 24/7 BDSM that suits me well, if not, I respect that, because I'm patient and they're hot enough to be worth the wait. But all the thoughts I have in the bedroom I have also outside it and considering that there are many 24/7 BDSM couples out there, I'm definitely not the only one.

[(Anonymous)]

“You don't suddenly get an overwhelming urge to dom someone in the bedroom, and then suddenly have that urge disappear when leaving it.”

That’s not really how any kind of kinks usually work though. People aren’t driven by the same urges 24/7, nor are they cavemen that only think in pure instinct. People think about all kinds of different things while living their lives, and that includes thinking and feeling different things when they’re with their partners. There’s no real basis for saying it’s universal that overwhelming urges someone gets in the bedroom can’t or don’t go away when leaving it. When you’re with your sexual partner outside the bedroom, you might think “I really want to dominate you right now”. But that’s not always the thing on your mind. It’s not like someone with a foot fetish is incapable of thinking about anything but feet in their day to day lives.

Again, I’m not into BDSM, so I’m not even pretending to be an expert. And your comment is a bit confusing past the first sentence. Nor do I know if you’re the same anon I responded to who said “ You're talking about this as if it was weird or wrong to feel that a person, who genuinely enjoys insulting you and beating you, is not the nicest person.”.

That anon seemed to be saying that it’s understandable for people to think badly of doms, and also seems to disagree with people saying that doms pleasure is just as important as the subs. It seems weird that people who are into BDSM would judge the dom, who an important part of the act, so harshly just for enjoying the act itself. And that doms should instead just be service tops. But if you are that anon I replied to, your last comment seems different in tone and intention compared to the previous one. And if you’re not that anon, you can ignore all that speculation and confusion about how different the comments are lol.

Maybe that’s because I’m not actually into BDSM, so there’s things I just don’t get by being an outsider. It’s possible. But treating doms like it’s understandable to think they’re all not nice people even outside of the bedroom, and that their dominant personality just can’t be turned off by thinking about literally anything else, is a very weird thing to me. And a very new point of view I had never heard of before today.

And honestly, the first comment I responded to that said it was understandable to consider doms not nice people felt a little like kinkshaming, by making a judgment about someone’s character based on their kink and private bedroom activities. I can definitely be wrong and reading too much into things, of course.

But if you yourself are a dom talking about your personal experiences, I’m not trying to say I don’t believe you. And I believe you when you say you’re not the only one who doesn’t have their urges go away. But I just don’t think it’s that universal. Because it seems a bit unlikely that everyone who’s into BDSM, which is a very common kink, is unable to turn off their urges outside of the bedroom. Compared to most other kinks where that is definitely not the case, it just seems hard to believe to me.

[(Anonymous)]

I feel like you misunderstood my point and the thing in the original poster's comment that I disagreed with. Being a dom myself, I don't think it's right for people to think badly of all doms. But there's room between service tops, and violent and demeaning type of BDSM. There's been more than one occasion where the latter was just a cover up for an abuser looking for a "willing" victim, or trying to build up a public opinion of a good dom so that the vulnerable people he targets will not be believed. Just look at the infamous case of James Deen. He had women defending him and gushing over what a feminist he is, until the truth came out. There's also been cases of racists purposefully seeking out black women with a race kink, so they could engage in racist acts under the cover of a bed roleplay. Many male doms also tend to assume that all women they interact with are subs, and I've seen some even claiming that women are naturally subs, which betrays an underlying misogyny in their thought processes. I suppose it's more pronounced to me, as a woman who exclusively tops, so non-lesbian BDSM spaces tend to be very alienating to people like me.

24/7 BDSM is also much more common than you think. Most people who try out BDSM just engage in a little roleplay to spice up their boring sex life a few times per month, and then have vanilla missionary sex for the rest of the time, but for people who are seriously leaning towards domming or subbing, BDSM is a lifestyle. Those are the kind of people I'm generally thinking of while speaking here.

[(Anonymous)]

I honestly did think that I misunderstood you, hence why I didn’t reply at first. But in looking back, as well as seeing your responses to others, I don’t think I misunderstood you at all. You’re exactly the kind of person I was criticizing in the first place.

There are always going to be people who use and take advantage of people and rules to abuse others, and BDSM is no different. But you’re using the most extreme examples to generalize all non-service top doms, as well as painting a broad brush over their intentions and morality. Which is exactly what I was saying is absurd.

BDSM may be a “lifestyle” in a certain definition. But no matter how you try to repeat the same sentiment over and over, this “lifestyle” doesn’t encompass every moment of a doms life. Doms as a whole are definitively able to separate bedroom thoughts and activities from the rest of their lives, even when it involves their partners. You can keep saying they can’t, but you have yet to bring anything resembling evidence of that to the table, beyond basically “just trust me”. I may not be into BDSM, making me not fit to actually argue some things, so I may have been a bit too willing to hear you out. But many of the people you’ve argued with downthread are into BDSM, and they’ve been using similar arguments as I have, with more firsthand experience of course.

Being a dom that gets enjoyment out of the act beyond just being a service top does not inherently make them a bad person. And I’m sorry that you’ve encountered negative spaces and experiences, feeling alienated in non-lesbian BDSM spaces. I’m a lesbian too, so I can emphasize with feeling alienated, and even intimidated, in situations. But your experiences are still too anecdotal to make such broad generalizations like you are. And attempting to use actual rapists to try to make a moral judgment about non-service top doms is ridiculously unfounded. As well as just as anecdotal. Because rapists don’t make up the majority of any groups, thank fucking god.

All in all, you’re being discriminatory towards non-service top doms for assumed behavior, but you can’t read minds or prove that most of them are they way you believe they are. In a way, you really are kinkshaming people within your very own community. This whole thread was in response to a secret that involved fanfiction, and the thread was appropriately fiction-related until you came in. You turned the discussion into moral judgments against not only people who would write from the POV of a non-service top dom, but actual real life doms. And then moved the goal posts and lied about what the discussion was actually about whenever someone either tried to bring the thread back on topic, or provided a counter to your moralizing of strangers that you couldn’t argue against. And going back to the secret and the actual topic of the thread, fiction is a place to explore ideas freely in a way that can either echo real life or not, and only antis wish for that to be different. I’m not saying you’re an anti, but you display very similar behavior by using what someone is into in their personal moments or in their inner thoughts, and try to turn that into a sweeping generalization and moral judgment about them as a person. Using similar tactics as antis to try to shame them for their kinks and interests, even if they’ve never hurt anyone, and never intend to. Even if the acts they participate in are completely consensual and discussed thoroughly by the involved parties, you’re still trying to judge the dom for enjoying the act in a way you don’t approve of. And your only reasoning is the worst of the worst few people that happened to be involved in the community, your own anecdotal experiences, and feeling like the way you enjoy being a dom should be the only way.