fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #5523 ]

⌈ Secret Post #5523 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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08. [SPOILERS for Encanto]

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09. [SPOILERS for Head AS Code and Birth ME Code]

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10. [WARNING for discussion of abuse/sexual harassment/etc]

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My sister is just exhausting. And she expects everyone to change to meet her expectations and yet she won't bend at all for anyone else. Something small yesterday became a whole thing about how it is my fault we aren't closer because I don't tell her my needs. You want to know why I don't tell her my needs? Because she dismisses them every time? I've learned from my family not to express myself and to keep my needs bottled up and to bend to everyone else. And now I'm getting yelled at for doing that too. I just can't win.

I'm exhausted, mentally. I don't have the bandwidth for this.

I'm sorry. I don't really have any advice but you're not alone. My sister, who is only 11 months younger than me, spent much of our childhood trying to belittle me, join in with my bullies and generally humiliate me. The bonus awkwardness is as an adult she was diagnosed with bipolar so I feel like I can't speak about the shitty things she did to me without looking shitty myself, much as I empathise with her struggles having grown up with the same mother who basically made BOTH of us scared and anxious of everything. Plus no matter what I would never dismiss anyone's mental health needs.

It's hard keeping in my heart that my sister's condition makes her a vindictive arsehole sometimes. She's much better now she's getting the help she needs and our relationship is better, but we'll never be especially cuddly or anything.

Just the other day she called me and said (as she's said before) "you're so chilled out when mum is being annoying and I just can't be like that" and I had to bite my tongue because the reason I'm chilled out is I had to be, my sister's bad behaviour when she was going through a high phase took up all of my mum and dad's time.

Families are extremely hard even when you love them. I'm sorry you had to bend to the needs of yours a lot. I think your family, like mine, have to accept that this is just the way some of us are now and it doesn't help when they complain about the fact. We don't reveal much of our inner thinking because we learned not to. In my case it was desperately striving for a quiet life by not doing or saying anything that would add to my parents' woes over my sister. Or take attention OFF my sister seeing as she hated that.

We don't reveal much of our inner thinking because we learned not to.

So much yes.

I've learned from my family not to express myself and to keep my needs bottled up and to bend to everyone else.

I think it was Captain Awkward who said recently that survival skills learnt in harsh family situations as a child translate into maladjustment in the wider world; I just went "ouch" at that!

I've used the phrase "I can't win" with someone and been told, in a high and mighty fashion, that it isn't about winning and losing. (Now I use "damned if I do, damned if I don't.)

Sisters and indeed families as a whole should be close and supportive. It's a tough world, what's to be gained from tearing someone else down? And yet they do it. My sister has blocked me because a)I said that due to my own severe health issues I can't look after my mother any more, who is seriously ill and b) wouldn't reveal the exact nature of my GI issues. I mean, who wants to talk about their bowel movements??

Most of my health issues are due to lifelong stress because I had not one but two elder sister who ganged up on me because, I dunno, I was little? They can't figure out why I never had children.

Ugh. Sisters. Hold onto your own sense of self, OP, and very best of luck.

[ SECRET POST #5523 ]

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