[ SECRET POST #5574 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #5574 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.


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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 34 secrets from Secret Submission Post #798.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[fscom]

04. https://i.imgur.com/QgJqOGb.png

[(Anonymous)]

Honestly, I feel like there's no 'right' thing to say to all people. To me, something like 'it's always sudden' seems better than the pompous, 'they're in a better place~' type stuff.

[(Anonymous)]

Ugh, yes, that and "God has a plan".

[(Anonymous)]

It sounds like one of those things people say because they really aren't sure what to say. A lot of people are not great about talking about death and people who have lost someone important to them can be wildly varying in how they process it. Frankly, for me, there were points where anything anybody said didn't seem at all helpful or worthwhile, but I believed those people were well-meaning, so that was a kind of a comfort.

[(Anonymous)]

It isn't always sudden, but most people still aren't prepared. People just say what they can - it's difficult to know what to say and platitudes are sometimes all that can be managed. Especially if the person has suffered a bad loss of their own.

[esteefee]

I don't think anything could ruin The Body for me. The terrifying and immediate grief Buffy felt was everything. Anyone who's lost a parent or loved one suddenly knows what that feels like. It felt like after all the demons Buffy fought, this was the real monster.

No, it's not always sudden. Sometimes it takes years of illness and you are ready, even hoping for the suffering to end for them, and that's a different experience altogether. But I think what Tara was trying to say is that you're still not prepared for how hollow and lost you will still feel when they finally die after all that, because somewhere along the way you did lose them and you've been grieving all along.

[(Anonymous)]

Agreed, it's not about the lenght of the dying process: you almost never can tell with certainty when exactly your loved one is going to die (unless it's something involving pulling out a plug). So it still feels sudden anyway. Maybe less sudden than if they hadn't been dying for some time, but still. And I think the fact that Tara was basing what she said on her own personal experience take out any "smugness" there could have been in her statement (which, imho, IS wise) Can't say I agree with the OP then. Personnaly, I loved the conversation and the new level of closeness it gave to Buffy and Tara's relationship.

[(Anonymous)]

DA - Strongly seconding everything you and AYRT have said.

[nanslice]

I guess I get what you're saying but I disagree. My dad died of cancer and we knew it was coming and I was literally right beside him when he died; it still felt sudden. My mom has just been diagnosed with metastatic cancer and I know her time is coming; when it gets here, it'll feel sudden.

It's different for everyone.

[(Anonymous)]

Interesting, because to me that's the moment that hits the hardest (other than Anya's meltdown). Both of my grandparents died of COPD and both had a long, slow, torturous decline. We knew the end was coming and yet when it did (especially with my grandpa), it absolutely felt sudden.

I guess that just highlights that everyone feels and processes grief differently.

[(Anonymous)]

Same. It wasn't unexpected at all for any of my grandparents, but that didn't make it feel any less sudden when it finally happened.

[(Anonymous)]

I don't think that line was smug. It rings very true for me, honestly. When my mom died, we had some warning - not a whole lot, because her cancer was incredibly aggressive, but some. Even knowing that she was dying, though, her actual death felt sudden. One minute I had a mom, and the next minute she was gone. It's such a sharp dividing line.

[(Anonymous)]

Same. And Tara was speaking from personal experience, not lecturing from afar.

OP

[(Anonymous)]

Thank you, secret-maker, for making this. And thank you to everyone for posting thoughtful replies.

I've always kept this secret, because I appreciated that other people would hear the line differently. When my mum died I always tried to take the things people said in the spirit that they were meant, and maybe I fixed all of the irritation I hid onto this.
It's the 'always' that bothers me, I feel that it sums it all up and cuts off discussion. It *can* be sudden, but my mother had cancer for my whole life, I grew up with it and there wasn't anything that felt sudden to me. I was still very young, and I think adults felt pressure to say *something* to help, and my friends were thoughtful, but they were young teenagers, and didn't really have any similar experience they could draw on. I always appreciated that everyone tried their best, and that there isn't a 'right' thing to say, but I guess I felt isolated, and this moment draws it to the surface.
Anyway, thanks again to everyone.

Re: OP (again)

[(Anonymous)]

I still don't believe that Tara would have said it like that. It feels too much like a line and it rings false to me. (But that's only my perception of it.)

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah, to me this line wasn't about how drawn out or sudden the dying is, it's about the suddenness of a person being gone. When someone is dying, they aren't gone, and then suddenly they are.

Tara's statement is a generalization, so I guess I can understand not liking it, if it just doesn't resonate with you. But I think as far as generalizing observations go, hers rings true and poignant for a lot of people.