fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #5628 ]

⌈ Secret Post #5628 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[FFXIV]

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[RuPaul's Drag Race]

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[Sister Boniface Mysteries]

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09. [WARNING for discussion of sexual assault/violence]

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10. [WARNING for discussion of transphobia]

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11. [WARNING for discussion of abuse]

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Badly. I'm a disabled single woman who's been deputised by the family to look after our very elderly mother who is refusing to move out of her own home. I'm still in my own home, but have said that I won't be the caregiving robot any more (not in those exact words.) Produced a doctor's note to back me up. Now the entire family, except my mother, has ostracised me, especially my sister who took it upon herself to interrogate me about what's going on with one of my internal organs (she's a PhD and is there fore more intelligent than any GP or specialist in her opinion.)

I always knew my family didn't give a crap about me but this is surprising even to me - I thought they were capable of pretending to be decent but no. Mulling ove going to hospital to try TMS treatment for lifelong depression but I'm scared of that too.

If it wasn't for my friends, who are fantastic, and my financial independence, I don't know if I could get through this. I've had 1-2 medical and psychological appointments a day in the last month. Obviously I'm making it up about not being able to care for a nonagenarian. /s

I live in a nice area, and have holidays planned which I'm looking forward to. I have wonderful friends who worry about me. I have the internet. But I can't do much - see "disabled" - I have an hour a day or I pay the price thereafter. So going for a nice walk isn't an option.

Friends are worried, yes, and I try to think of them. But I hope they wouldn't want me to suffer, and I am suffering.

Above F!S's paygrade I know, and I am getting a lot of help. It's still relentlessly awful.

I'm so sorry, anon. It's disturbing sometimes how toxic family dynamics can get when there's a crisis of some kind and being the primary caregiver for an elderly parent is one of those big stressors that bring out the ugliness in one's relatives, unfortunately. I hope you get a break, and some more love and understanding while you're struggling through this.

Thank-you, anon. It really helps to get an outside view; one's own perception of reality can become badly skewed.

I'm sorry about your situation, it sounds really stressful and I'm glad that you're getting help. I wish you all the best with it going forward.

thank-you so much, anon. <3

Sorry about that. I feel like you should protect yourself legally first and foremost if you can. I unfortunately know what it's like to have health issues and not feel protected by your family, and at this point I try to always have a backup plan - in a weird way it makes them take me seriously at least, if not out of love as I had hoped, out of fear.
Please protect yourself :( good luck

I've got letters from my GPs which are legal documents, and have forwarded them to my mother's GP. One of my friends' husbands is a lawyer. I will admit that I'm scared of my sisters, who are bullies, but have no idea what else I need to do, apart from not moving in with my mother, which she has suggested so we can look after each other (in good faith, I think.) Do you have any idea of what I should be doing? I'm in Australia, for what that's worth.

Hmm, not in Australia so not sure, but do try to ask this friend's husband for input on how to protect yourself legally. It's always better to be safe than sorry. Where I live the law is probably different in regards to taking care of elder or disabled relatives, so it's good to learn how it works in Australia in order to avoid being dragged down by your bully sisters :(

The thing is, judging from your story I assume your mom needs daily support now and, if none of your siblings can live with her, the only option would be a nursing/rest home which isn't cheap usually. And if you can't afford that, nor your mom herself, then your siblings would have to. Worst case scenario they may even be angry that family money is going to a clinic because you won't stay with her or whatever, sigh. So I can understand why your siblings might be annoyed at you (because non-disabled people can be selfish as fuck) as in, "why can't ___ help mom in her last years?" or whatever, make it sound like it's a matter of "caring" when it's really a matter of "money" to them. But the thing is, you have your own expenses and stuff to care for and I assume you already have a medical team accompanying you wherever you are living right now (and it's likely that your mom does too, so I can understand her not wanting to move either, not to mention the hassle of moving...) and if you plainly accept the burden, your siblings are hardly going to help you with your issues I feel. So, all things considered I would try being safe in regards to 1) making it clear, from a legal point, that your unwillingness to move is related to your own health condition (having ways to prove that you've been to doctors in your vicinity often is one thing) and 2) that you can't afford the nursing home if you really can't because your income is compromised by doctors. Because who knows what your sisters are capable of, and I say this as someone who has been negatively surprised by relatives... some times. Particularly when one has an invisible disability they can be really shitty.

As for your mom I do feel sorry for her but it's not fair for your sisters to have things fully go their way either. Why can't THEY stay with her anyway? It's something you ought to consider for yourself - if it's worth moving or not, considering that these really may be her last years on Earth (... missing my mom a lot I think of that). But if you do it, you have to do it for yourself and your mom - not out of fear of your sisters who frankly sound like huge assholes. And even if you choose to do it for yourself don't make it a favor to your sisters, make it clear to them that you're not a robot or a pawn - that you have a health issue and expenses and are aware that you're helping out.

[ SECRET POST #5628 ]

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