[ SECRET POST #5688 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #5688 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.


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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 24 secrets from Secret Submission Post #814.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Re: Vent

[(Anonymous)]

Not a vent so much as, idk, a fear?

I don't know if I'm more afraid that my crippling executive dysfunction is caused by ADHD because oh fuck I spent 40 years, my whole life, metaphorically banging my damn head against walls until I busted through or just stayed stuck in a room because my brain can't find or use the fucking door, when I could've been taking meds and being a functioning human being. But also the meds are mostly amphetamines and when he died, docs were still working to figure out if my dad gave himself drug induced schizophrenia or just randomly went insane in his 50s (my 50s aren't so far off so yay another fear!)

Or what if it's not ADHD? What if it's autism or something else where what meds there are don't fix the executive dysfunction disorder, or there's no meds to help at all?

And every time I start pushing the damn boulder up the hill of getting appointments and screenings lined up and it doesn't work our because appointments get cancelled or relocated to places I can't get to in time, I think of the third possibility: that there's nothing wrong with me but laziness, because why the fuck is this still a problem? Why haven't I fixed it?

The whole process of getting a diagnosis is like trying to break into a bank vault to steal the keys to the bank vault. If I could get my shit together enough to do it, I wouldn't fucking need help!

Even depression meds might help but I'm not depressed; at least, not clinically.

I have been before, and the state of the world isn't exactly cheery, but I still enjoy life when I'm not annoyed at my inability to plan or organize or tidy anything at all.

In fact, being depressed makes it easier to deal, because I stop being frustrated at all the shit I want to do and can't stay on top of or keep track of. It's still awful and shitty, but I stop caring about anything but misery.