fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #5856 ]

[ SECRET POST #5856 ]

⌈ Secret Post #5856 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

__________________________________________________

02.

__________________________________________________

03.

__________________________________________________

04.

__________________________________________________

05.

[Disney shorts]

__________________________________________________

06.

__________________________________________________

07.

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 24 secrets from Secret Submission Post #838.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

First, let me say that I love my dad and he's been a good father to me. If I got into trouble, he'd absolutely be there to support me in every way. That said, he's not perfect, but he tries. Unfortunately he's got some annoying habits that get on my nerves.

I have to be careful what I say to him because he treats every conversational topic like it's an opportunity to give me unsolicited advice. He's trying to help, but usually the advice is... ehhhh. His usual approach is to offer up a really obvious solution and present it to me with the assumption that I can't possibly have figured it out myself. For the record, I'm in my FORTIES, and financially independent.

Example:

Me: [coming in from walking the dogs] Brrr, it's cold out!
Dad:... did you put on a jacket?
Me: [standing there in full view in a jacket, gloves and a hat] ... yes?

I'm pretty sure he doesn't really think I'm stupid (nor has he ever called me stupid or directly insulted my intelligence) but he just doesn't believe anyone has the capacity to figure things out for themselves. Every little thing I do (even trivial stuff, like the way I cut up vegetables) attracts undue attention from him and he'll inevitably question my process.

Me: [chopping an onion]
Dad: Why are you chopping it like that?
Me: [already sensing trouble] Because over time and many chopped onions, I've figured out that this is the best way FOR ME to do it.
Dad: Well, why don't you blah blah blah
Me: I don't like doing it that way and prefer my own way.
Dad: Well but blah blah it's better if you blah blah blah because then it blah blah blah blah
Me: I'm fine doing it this way.
Dad: [incredulous chuckle] Oh. Okay.

It drives me up the wall, especially his chuckle. I suspect it bothers him that I refuse to do things his way immediately, but quite often his "better method" is just... not better at all? It's sometimes unnecessarily complicated, or takes too long or I've tried it and I don't like it. But his reaction is as though he thinks I'm just being foolish and stubborn doing it my way instead of using his superior onion chopping method. I've tried telling him that interrogating people about how they do things comes off as rather condescending, but he insists he's "just curious". I'm like no, you're not "just curious" because if you simply wanted to know why I did it this way, you'd be satisfied with my answer. Instead, if my answer or process doesn't match with what you think it ought to be, you'll keep asking me variations of the same questions along the lines of: "Is that the correct way to do it? Shouldn't it be this other way? Because the other way is [describes the other way in exhaustive detail]".

In the end, it's just chopping an onion, not performing brain surgery. If the onion gets chopped and I haven't lost any fingers, what does it matter? Why can't I just do this in peace without my helicopter dad, who doesn't do ANYWHERE NEAR THE AMOUNT OF COOKING OR FOOD PREP THAT I DO trying to armchair quarterback everything? Because he's also a terrible, terrible mansplainer. Like, it doesn't matter if he has ZERO expertise in the subject, he will act like he knows it inside and out and give advice like he's an expert. This advice is usually a hodge podge of stuff he's heard about on the internet ages ago and stuff he believes OUGHT to be true but has no idea if it's true or not, and it will be presented like it's 100% fact.

Even if I'm far more knowledgeable about said subject, he will try to "correct" me or make grand pronouncements about the subject and then refuse to believe that he might be mistaken. Any attempt on my part to say, "No, it doesn't work that way..." will be met with a torrent of lectures about how it REALLY works and blah blah blah, etc.

It's really difficult to have any lengthy conversation with him because of this. I'll try to gently steer the conversation towards things that interest him that he DOES know about, so he can talk at length, hoping that if the source of this mansplaining and nitpicking is based on anxiety or insecurity, he'll feel better about it. But honestly, this is so much work, it's like herding cats.

my mother thinks I'm too stupid to take a towel with me when I go swimming. I'm over 40.

Ha, I knew I wasn't alone! I swear to god sometimes I have to grit my teeth to keep from screaming. He means well, but I think as he's gotten older, he feels more insecure about being left out of things, and no longer being the go-to authority for his kids. But... we don't NEED that as much anymore? Not for everyday stuff, at any rate.

It's frustrating when he's wrong about something but absolutely adamant that he's right, as if repeating his wrongheaded take on whatever will alter reality. I guess I should be grateful he hasn't fallen down some fucked up QAnon rabbit hole like so much people his age, but this nonsense is also very annoying. I feel like our relationship would be a lot better and our conversations more pleasant if he just quit trying to be the expert in everything and realized that I haven't asked for his help and he's trying to solve problems that don't exist and doing a crappy job at it, to boot.

my father's not as bad but he has this weird idea that only the first pronunciation of a word in the dictionary is the correct one and any other pronunciation is a lie.

LOL! I'm sorry and hope you're not offended, but I feel kind of cheered up knowing that other people's parents have their own odd quirks. Fistbump of solidarity, my friend!

I'm not the least bit offended

I'm sorry to hear about your dad. My own mom and sister do the same to me. Funnily enough, there was a period where I realized I have a habit to do it too. Doing some inner work, I've tried to be mindful of not indirectly directing people. I know it's a control thing, so I remind myself everyone's got their own methods and ways and I'm not always right and that I don't always have to have some secret hack or trick to show off (even if I think it's helpful).

I think based upon your post, you've been managing this frustration well. I'm really sorry that your dad is the way he is though.

PS. I have a coworker who is the same ethnicity as me and while she's a lovely person, she nags me like my mom does. It can get frustrating. (IE. we discussed taking our cars in for an oil change and she told me that the place I go to is too expensive, I should just go to Walmart. Nodded and thanked her for her advice...even though I go to the pricier place because my car got fucked up when I took it in for an oil change years ago so I don't trust Walmart auto services)

My mother (who is no longer with us) was the same way, but even pushier and more aggressive about it. Her way of doing something was the ONLY right way, end of story. She would literally get confused and angry if you confronted her with the idea that there are multiple ways of doing something. And again, this wasn't hugely important stuff, it was stuff like How to Wash the Dishes. She'd order you to wash the dishes and I'm fine with that, but I don't like to have her stand over me telling me I'm doing it wrong every step of the way. The dishes get cleaned, and she doesn't have to do them, but she refuses to be satisfied with that because we were Doing It Wrong. So exasperating.

Is your co-worker older than you? IRL I'm a quiet person and don't talk much and sometimes this sets off this weird mothering instinct in older women. I don't have much patience for it thanks to my own mother, so it's incredibly aggravating. You handled that so diplomatically, and I'd try to do the same but I probably wouldn't be able to resist telling her that oh no, they messed up my previous oil change, etc. etc. just out of spite.

AYRT

Damn, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom's approach and method. As a child/teen, my mom would be the type to nag that something isn't being done and will stand and direct and criticize as we do the thing (and yeah, most times it was silly every day things too like washing the dishes) as well. I conceded that she will never be happy so do what I can and block out anything else she has to say.
I hope

Yes, my coworker is about the same age as my mom (mid-late 50s). I can definitely see the mothering instinct with her. LOL I learned with my own family (and years working with people like my current coworker), my energy is not worth it to be spiteful and have a war of words with people. Telling people, "Actually, I'll do it my way," usually results in me constantly feeling a need to rebuff whatever else anyone has to say to that so I learned that my best method is to end the conversation or change it. Every day though, my coworker has a thing she has to impart some sort of wisdom upon us, even if it's just the way you hold your cup.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #5856 ]

Vent: Family petty annoyances

Re: Vent: Family petty annoyances

Re: Vent: Family petty annoyances

Re: Vent: Family petty annoyances

Re: Vent: Family petty annoyances

Re: Vent: Family petty annoyances

Re: Vent: Family petty annoyances

Re: Vent: Family petty annoyances

Re: Vent: Family petty annoyances