[ SECRET POST #5871 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #5871 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.


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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 14 secrets from Secret Submission Post #840.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Friend group dynamics

[(Anonymous)]

I feel very weird and conflicted about congratulating some friends on their weight loss journeys while simultaneously validating my friends who find weight loss journeys to be fat phobic. It's especially delicate because these are all part of the same group, and sometimes the friends saying it's fat phobic are also congratulating the weight loss friends; and the weight loss friends are agreeing with the "it's fat phobic" friends.

Basically I think I will make someone upset someone no matter what, so I just stay silent. And I'm really fucking confused.

Re: Friend group dynamics

[(Anonymous)]

Maybe look at it like this: We all should be able to make our own choices regarding our own bodies. If your friends choose to lose weight and it's working out well for them, why not congratulate them? Assuming they're doing it in an at least semi-healthy manner. If they're losing weight because they chose to live on apple peels and black coffee or something, don't congratulate them on their new eating disorder.

Re: Friend group dynamics

[(Anonymous)]

But is any choice really free? What if, had our society been more accepting of larger bodies, they'd never have chosen to lose weight at all? What if they're chasing an expectation that's been imposed upon them, validating and perpetuating it in the process? What if, by choosing to lose weight, they're adding fuel to the fat phobic fire, and thereby indirectly harming our larger friends? None of us exists in a vacuum.

Re: Friend group dynamics

[(Anonymous)]

Yes, yes. We live in a society, etc.

But either we have the right to do what we want with our own bodies or we don't. If we do, then we still do even if our friends of any size or shape disagree with our choices. If we don't have the right to do what we want with our own bodies if our friends disapprove, well that opens a whole case of worms, now doesn't it?

Re: Friend group dynamics

[(Anonymous)]

And what if they choose to lose weight as a health decision? A person's health choices can be disregarded/dismissed or even disallowed and by that potentially causing them harm to avoid harming fat people's feelings?
I'm fat myself and I think these reasons are bullshit and only take the feelings of the fat people into consideration. By the whole "is any choice really free" logic, you could just as well say that fat people who are very into the whole fat-positive lifestyle are forced to stay fat to avoid being seen as traitors to the cause. Just look at all the vitriol thrown at Adele by fat-positive folks.

Re: Friend group dynamics

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah, I lost weight because being fat was affecting my health in negative ways and I didn't want to give myself health problems when I could stop them in their tracks, especially when I'd seen some of the permanent health issues that some of my obese relatives have. I didn't want that to be me, needing to have both knees replaced in my 50s because they were so wrecked by carrying that much weight.

Re: Friend group dynamics

[(Anonymous)]

Do you want to congratulate them? If so, do it privately, after they've started the conversation about their weight loss or new lifestyle changes. (Make sure to congratulate the lifestyle changes as well as the weight - frankly, you are being part of the problem if someone trains to run a 10km or learns how to cook or something like that and the only thing you congratulate is weight loss).

If you don't think it's appropriate to comment on your friends' weights (which it is reasonable to have a blanket rule about), just congratulate them on lifeste stuff, e.g. 'it's so cool you're hiking regularly' or 'wow, so you're so strong now!'. Or say nothing, but ask them about their life and hobbies and generally continue being a good friend.

Re: Friend group dynamics

[(Anonymous)]

This is a good answer.

Re: Friend group dynamics

[(Anonymous)]

I think it's best to be upfront and ask your friends for clarification.

To the friends triggered by faphobia: "Hey, just want to check in with you. (Person 1) has been working on losing weight, would it be OK for me to bring up their progress in front of you? I just want to make sure it doesn't make you uncomfortable. Totally OK if you prefer if we didn't."

To the friends wanting to lose weight or making diet changes: "Hey, is it OK for me to talk to you about your weight/diet stuff in front of others?"

Depending on how people respond, it'd be good to get a group agreement:
-Person 1 is open with everyone to discuss body and food related stuff
-Person 2 doesn't want to hear about people's weight losses or gains
*Everyone should be mindful of weight related stuff around Person 2. Person 1 is cool with group settings to talk about their stuff but Person 2 isn't.*

And honestly, if you slip up and forget that someone is sensitive about weight/body/food discussions, it's always OK to apologize and check in with your friend.

If you don't know, ask your friend(s). It will likely mean a lot to them that you are thinking about them, concerned about their feelings and are actively trying to make them feel comfortable/less uncomfortable.

Just like you can't read their minds, they can't read yours. It's very thoughtful of you to feel confused because you are thinking about your friends' feelings and don't want to be insensitive to any of them

Re: Friend group dynamics

[(Anonymous)]

Your friends that find it fatphobic are assholes.

Re: Friend group dynamics

[(Anonymous)]

To you.

Re: Friend group dynamics

[(Anonymous)]

No. They are. Body-positivity means accepting EVERYONE'S decision about their bodies and if you don't, you're an asshole.

Re: Friend group dynamics

[(Anonymous)]

This.