[ SECRET POST #6448 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #6448 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.


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[Powerwolf]



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[Genshin Impact]



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[Tokyo Afterschool Summoners]














Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 42 secrets from Secret Submission Post #922.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Re: I'm a millennial who has kids, owns a house, and has a steady job

[(Anonymous)]

AYRT

Oh boy, I have so many thoughts, and I'm not sure how cohesive I can make them, so bear with me.

I think the current discourse around childrearing is almost tailor-made to increase stress and anxiety. There's this very technocratic sense that you can optimize your parenting by reading the correct books/studies, buying the correct products, adopting the correct philosophy, performing the correct sequence of actions, etc; and if you fall short, or your child is not behaving as they should be, then it's a crisis.

Of course, the reality is that we can only do so much as parents. Our children come to us with their own personalities and particularities, and it's our job to learn who they are, guide them as best we can, and prepare them to make do without us. The current discourse, I feel, makes it much harder to recognize that, and actively works against the primary "task" of parenthood, which is transforming children into adults.

When I think specifically about isolation, I have a feeling I may not head in the direction you intend. But I think parenting for the last several decades has trended toward isolation, in the sense that the idea of the nuclear family has calcified. One to two people are supposed to be able to raise a child all by themselves, and if you struggle with that, then it means there's something wrong with you. I sincerely believe that postpartum depression would not be as common an issue if it were accepted that babies need an entire group of people to take care of them.

Re: I'm a millennial who has kids, owns a house, and has a steady job

[(Anonymous)]

Hmmm...the part about isolation kind of went in the direction I expected but not completely. I've been hearing more people call for a communal approach to parenting, but I admit I hesitate because I've been burned far too often by "communal" initiatives.

My extended family was pretty involved in my upbringing (especially my mom's side). Thus, I grew up with both sets of grandparents and my mom's two sisters spending a lot of time with me and helping me develop both skills and preferences (especially diet-wise; my parents tended to be somewhat less enthusiastic and fruits and veggies than I've ended up becoming). On the other hand, I am an only child. I think if I had siblings the communal dynamic would have been quite different, and I'd actually have fewer strong relationships with my extended family. Time among all the members would have been more limited. Unfortunately, being autistic in the specific way that it shows up in me means I need more time than usual to develop a sense of security in relationships even in my own family. So I grew up in a communal environment, but I realize in hindsight that it had a lot of potential to go awry if I had any siblings or even more cousins. I actually had no cousins on my mom's side, so I got even more time with my aunts. This is admittedly a double edged sword, as this did mean I had more eyes tracking my school performance and behavior. It was an interesting twist on the ol' smart but bored theme that permeated my teenage years.

As far as getting burned by the more "communal" groups, well, I've had a strong tendency to form closer social bonds with guys. They have generally made more effort to include me in conversations and activities. When I've been friends with other girls/women, I've been pushed to the edges of the group more frequently. Masking can prevent this from happening, but the cost of masking is super high. These experiences set up a rather sturdy foundation for being skeptical if more communal approaches to a variety if issues, childraising being among them. Likewise, the way communal is being defined is stepping outside the extended family and involving friends. It's also being pushed in a way that to me feels rather forced and performative*. Because of that, I am feeling rather anxious about the direction childraising discussion has taken, as it means my husband and I are in for some long and recurring discussions about our boundaries and being around our niece and nephew (we are childfree).

*-Here is one example of the discussion I've seen around the communal aspect of parenting: https://www.vox.com/features/23979357/millennials-motherhood-dread-parenting-birthrate-women-policy