Case (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
case) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandomsecrets2024-09-21 01:44 pm
case) wrote in fandomsecrets2024-09-21 01:44 pm
[ SECRET POST #6469 ]
⌈ Secret Post #6469 ⌋
Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.
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Notes:
Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 42 secrets from Secret Submission Post #925.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.
Re: Seats as surfaces
(Anonymous) 2024-09-22 05:23 pm (UTC)(link)This article is relevant:
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
People here get mad when I say this is largely a man problem. I'm not saying no women ever do this, but it's naive to overlook how frequently men expect to be the center of their marriages, for household schedules to revolve around them for their convenience and comfort, and how they expect their female partners to work towards that goal without contributing a comparable effort towards doing the same for their female partners. It's a toxic gender role thing that affects a lot of men, even if they regard themselves as supportive, feminist, loving partners, etc. It's deeply, deeply ingrained in both men AND women - because women often can't/won't/don't want to see it, either.
It's sad, but I see a lot of this firsthand - women I'm friends with who are struggling because they're practically living like a single-parent household but at the same time have alllll the excuses for why their husbands never do any cleaning, never change a diaper, never do a school pick-up, have no idea what their children's schedules are like or what's going on in their lives, spend zero time with their kids even on weekends when they're free, can't/won't pick up household chores when their wife is sick, gets upset if his wife is away and he has to "babysit" his own children for a few hours, etc. etc. He's a great father, though! The women are victims, but they're also enablers even if they don't realize it.
What's crazy is that even people who are sympathetic to this issue will still give advice to the woman like it's her responsibility to teach her husband how to be an adult, and blame the problems on her lack of communication. Why should a woman have to teach her adult husband how to use a laundry hamper? Why should she have to communicate that it sucks to leave your crap all over the house for someone else to clean up? Who tells the woman the 1001 household tasks she automatically does every day, on her own, because she's a responsible adult?
Like I said, the sexism is deeply, deeply ingrained.
I don't know what to tell you, except you have my sympathies and if you want your marriage to be healthy, you should have a good, hard think about this and address it with your husband. I'd try to avoid anger and yelling (not always easy) but don't mince words, either. He'll likely be defensive about it and in denial, because no man likes to be reminded that they're behaving like a child. Good luck.
Re: Seats as surfaces
(Anonymous) 2024-09-22 07:30 pm (UTC)(link)Tbh my partner and I both had very bad chore keeping habits when we first got together and still aren't great about some things. Being able to communicate about it openly and without anger was really important for improving the situation. It helped a lot to be able to say things without sugarcoating it and without getting disrespectful. The dynamic of ignoring things that bother you and your partner expecting to be taken care of can be extremely damaging to a relationship, especially in the all too common situation of a woman doing far more work than a man, as anon above me described. I've seen a lot of relationships fall apart from a husband's entitlement towards his wife's hard work.
I get really angry sometimes about things like my partner forgetting a chore when I am actually upset about other stuff or feeling like our relationship dynamic has been too heavy on my end for a minute (like when I am taking a bigger burden emotionally, financially or physically with our shared responsibility for whatever reason). Typically this can be resolved or we can talk through the frustration of being in a situation where one person has to take care of more things for a bit, she does it for me and I do it for her when the time comes. Do you feel your partner isn't pulling his weight in other areas, or you are having to "look after" him more than you want to? Does your partner not tolerate it when you have quirks that irritate him, but expect you to work around his preferences even when they bother you? Are there chores you dislike that he always comes through on doing or are you always the one to get things done?
It sounds off to me when you say you worked on yourself to improve areas he had criticisms of you on, while he didn't do the same, and implied that he uses sexist language or ideas to put you down. It sounded like he may be disrespectful to you. idk if you were just venting and being hyperbolic but that attitude would definitely bug me. You sound very resentful and honestly, like it may be for good reason. I hope you guys can move past this and his attitude towards you can change, truly wishing you the best. Having this resentment between you is definitely not good for your relationship, trying to work through it whether the relationship succeeds or fails is better imo than staying in a state of frustration and disrespect.