[ SECRET POST #6509 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #6509 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.


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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 06 secrets from Secret Submission Post #930.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Re: Venting thread- I've been struggling not to hate my husband.

[(Anonymous)]

One thing I learned from my failed long-term relationship (and is apparently also backed by many relationship experts) is that once a relationship reaches the contempt phase, it's unsalvageble. The rest is fumes of what used to be/sunk cost fallacy/fear of loss.

I really wish I'd known/believed that sooner, because if I had, the relationship would have ended about a decade before it actually did. You don't love someone you feel contempt for. You can't. And you'll never get over hearing someone express contempt for you, either, so it doesn't matter whose side it's on.

Love isn't a feeling: it's a continuous action. Someone who would do some pie-in-the-sky heroic one-off action for you (like give you a kidney) but who would not listen to you gripe about something if you asked, or would not pick up after themselves if they knew it was upsetting you, or who would not make dinner while you were sick does not love you. They have an attachment to you, a feeling, something that emotionally satisfies them but is utterly worthless to you if it does not motivate them to any action.

Re: Venting thread- I've been struggling not to hate my husband.

[(Anonymous)]

+100000000

This, this, and this.

Re: Venting thread- I've been struggling not to hate my husband.

[(Anonymous)]

I agree.

Re: Venting thread- I've been struggling not to hate my husband.

[(Anonymous)]

Yes, I've heard the same thing. That's another reason why I don't think counseling would help. I do feel contempt for him. I don't respect him like I used to, because his behavior has been so inconsiderate and selfish. He's shown me repeatedly that he doesn't care about my feelings (while swearing up and down that he does) so long as not caring saves him a tiny bit of effort in thinking. But he refuses to see that this is not the act of a loving partner. He totally denies that this is a slap in the face, because he's determined to keep thinking of it as a tiny little problem that I'm overreacting to.

I've given up, to be honest. He's my roommate, and not a very good one at that. It'll just take some time to formulate my exit strategy, but I'm not willing to exhaust myself further to try and save this marriage when he only pays lip service to the idea.

Re: Venting thread- I've been struggling not to hate my husband.

[(Anonymous)]

Oh yeah, contempt is one of the things that a counselor is going to look for as a sign that a relationship cannot-- or SHOULD not-- be saved. It's not impossible to come back from, but it just might not be worth it.


Like, I've got ADHD and there are things that I let pile up and ways that I'm not a good roommate, which I recognize has a lot of overlap with weaponized incompetence in terms of the *effect*-- I've NEVER just straight up not flushed a toilet and left that for someone else to deal with! I try to find ways that I can make life better for the people I live with to make up for the ways I'm consistently a mess, whether it's volunteering to handle dinner, or jumping in to take the trash out to the bins when someone else brings up that it's trash day (or just that it's full and needs to go out), or just asking if anyone needs anything from the kitchen as long as I'm going, or if I can take someone's laundry when I'm doing mine or pick up something when I have to go to the store. Like, there are men who leave messes around or don't notice when daily tasks need to be done every day who aren't malicious assholes, just mentally ill, but if they actually care about doing better, THEY CAN STILL FIND WAYS TO DO BETTER, whether it's to make life easier on a wife, a friend, their actual mother...

And when they don't do ANY of that, then yeah, an exit strategy is the best strategy.