fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #6529 ]

[ SECRET POST #6529 ]

⌈ Secret Post #6529 ⌋

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Why is it that some generally healthy people have such trouble understanding that things are just not that easy for people who have chronic health issues that interfere with their lives?

Mom and I cancelled thanksgiving plans. Neither of us is up to it. Especially worried about mom. Sister has decided to take it personally since she was coming to the family thanksgiving specifically to see us. I've run into this in the past with her where she just doesn't get that not everyone is physically capable of what she is. If she wants us to do something and I'm not up to it, she gets offended and thinks it is personal. Really frustrating.

Does she know the spoon theory? Because if she doesn’t, that’s how I introduced the idea that I can have limited energy. If I don’t have the spoons to do something, I don’t do it.
All I have to do to excuse myself is say “It’s a low spoons day” and I am excused without a huge fuss. It’s nice.

Honestly? It’s frustrating af but also totally understandable. How can anyone understand something they’ve never experienced? Especially when it comes to health because other than colds and the flu, people only understand cancer. If you don’t have cancer, you’re not sick. That’s ingrained in people because of media exposure to cancer and high school science classes. If someone lives with someone with a chronic illness then usually they will learn what that person can and can’t do, be understanding about cancelled plans, etc. but even they won’t really get it.

Huh? It's called "empathy". I've never had my legs chopped off and I obviously don't fully grasp that experience but because I'm not a complete sociopath, I don't throw a tantrum when my legless acquaintance doesn't want to join me on my marathon training. You don't have to fully get it to not act like an asshole to someone.

That’s a great false equivalency you dreamed up there.
People do not understand invisible illness. They don’t have empathy because they can’t see or understand what the limitations are. You can see that a leg less person can’t run a marathon. You can’t see why someone with MS or Crohn’s or MCAS is exhausted for weeks just because they went to lunch with friends one day or went shopping or even just dragged themselves into the shower. People cannot have empathy for experiences they cannot relate to or even fathom.

Ahhh, I get it. You're one of those bad faith troll commenters that keep coming back, like herpes. Never mind.

DA
I understand their point. People want you to have consistent, visible pain and disabilities.

Where did all your empathy go?

What an intelligent, well reasoned, and empathetic response!
I happen to have three autoimmune disorders that rule my life. I take a high risk injection every other week that I also happen to be allergic to just so I can eat without going into anaphylaxis. The simplest of tasks drain me. I don’t qualify for any kind of disability or assistance of any kind despite being literally incapable of caring for myself on a day to day basis and had to give up my career and probably won’t ever be able to work again. And I’m constantly getting shit from family about how I do nothing. But go off.

I mean... yeah, this is a common issue. But not everyone lacks empathy for invisible conditions. I don't have MS, but I don't have any problems grasping why someone with MS might suffer from fatigue and exhaustion and not have the spoons for socializing and/or hosting people around the holidays.

Good job on describing what not having empathy is like.

It isn't lack of empathy. It is a lack of imagination.

They have empathy as far as they can imagine, but their imagination taps out before they can fully understand.

Yup, this. I had no idea how hard it was for some folks to even just move around until I fell out of an exercise routine (thanks to the pandemic) and healthy habits, and age caught up with me. I tried taking a walk for the first time in ages and was like, damn, I'm winded easily and my knee is doing something funny lmao. (Of course, I'm getting better about it now... both in awareness and health)

Believe me, people still pull this with cancer, too.

Ugh, that sucks :( That used to be the one thing people understood.

There's also the fact that "chronic health issues" is such a vague, unspecified term that covers a million different things of varying levels of severity. Like, I technically have a chronic illness, but 90% of the time I'm fine when I actually take my meds since it only flares up once in a while. And then there are other people whose issues are so serious they're stuck in bed most of the time.

They both fall under the umbrella of "chronic health issues," but they're two very, very different things.

Is there any way to spend some time with your sister with lesser plans? She is probably major frustrated if she needed to crave time to see both of you.
(I am low-spoon but I still get depressed and hurt if I was excited about seeing someone and I couldn't even if I understand. Because emotions)

Mom already went to see her in July. Travel is really difficult for mom. Mom has also offered to pay for a flight here so she can come visit us.

Sorry to hear about your sister getting the wrong thing out of you and your mom canceling Thanksgiving.

I have a lot of people in my life who mean well but are completely ignorant to their ableism and how harmful and rampant ableism is. And to try to educate them usually ends with them getting upset and defensive.
It sucks.

I don't talk to my older sister about my depression and nuerodivergency because she's always responded with irritation and no compassion in the past so I learned not to exhaust myself where my efforts are fruitless.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #6529 ]

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