fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #6551 ]

[ SECRET POST #6551 ]

⌈ Secret Post #6551 ⌋

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I have a generalized anxiety disorder as well as panic attacks. And recently the idea of not existing, not being aware, has been an obsession of my brain. Some anxiety, just some obsessing on existence, awareness, how it all works. I don't know. My brain is weird.

The concept of not existing pops in my head at night and I just can't shake it off. Sometimes I am afraid to sleep because it's too close to being dead. 👌 Not recommend

This used to be me as a kid. I was terrified of dying when I wasn't awake and aware to know what was happening, for some reason. The only thing that let me sleep was daydreaming. I just go to another world and then my brain can relax and go to sleep. This is still how I go to sleep most nights, now works for keeping my brain from the day's stress.

Yes! This is my fear too for some reason. People usually consider dying in a sleep a good thing.
Yeah I usually play little scenes in my head to sleep. But sometimes I do have insomnia and paired with anxiety it is getting ridiculous

Last night, I was reading a discussion about someone, whom I'll call Jamie, not feeling supported by a friend, whom I'll call Alex. Alex had apparently asked Jamie how they could best offer support. A third party made the point that, by asking that question, Alex was creating emotional labor for Jamie, and that it's understandable for such a thing to have upset Jamie.

I can't stop turning this over in my head. We can't expect people to know exactly what we want or need. If they get to know us well, then they may have a pretty good idea; but even then, it's possible that they'll get it wrong. It seems to me that if someone asks you what you want or need, then they're trying not to get it wrong -- which is a good thing! To characterize it as "emotional labor" to be asked to tell someone what you need from them strikes me as...well, at the very least, it means you have unrealistic and unreasonable expectations of the people in your life. It seems very self-involved, and I would think ultimately self-defeating. If you shouldn't have to tell people what you want and need, because that's "labor," then you're going to be far less likely to ever get what you want and need.

I really need to stop ruminating on this.

I don't know if this will help, but I agree with you. I think "third party" has learned just enough therapy-speak to weaponize it, which isn't uncommon these days when someone is just plain old determined to be an argumentative butthead.

If Jamie needs support beyond a basic level of sympathy, then Jamie needs to make peace with the possibility that they might need to ask for it and to be specific. (Unless they'd be happy with people guessing and perhaps being wrong.) Trauma doesn't entitle you to demand that other people read your mind or magically understand and provide for your every need. That's not realistic, and it's not reasonable.

I think it might depend on the person and the situation.

For example, if Jamie had just lost their significant other, they might not have the emotional bandwidth to come up with ideas of how to best support them, and in that case, it would be best for Alex to do the "emotional labor," or offer to walk Jamie's dog or bring a casserole or offer to watch the kids while Jamie is taking care of funeral arrangements.

If Jamie took on a new job and it's taking their time away from, I dunno, some get-together they have with Alex and others, that might be different. Say Jamie arranges the get-together but doesn't have time to get everything ready anymore. It might make more sense then for Alex to ask how to offer support. Jamie might be a little stressed but also might be in a better position to give Alex a task.

nayrt - That seems fair. Unfortunately, I know this from firsthand experience - when you experience a death in the family, your friends don't always know what to do, and they don't always react well. Some people will be absolute heroes and help out any way they can. Others will go so far as to ghost you because they don't know what to say and apparently can't get past their own awkwardness to be of help. I don't think that asking if there's anything you can do to help is a bad idea, even if it's open-ended. Maybe it requires a bit of emotional labor, but you won't always be able to guess what people need or want.

da and especially because two different people in the same situation might want two very different things, so what would be the most helpful thing to do for one person might actually not be helpful at all to someone else.

But what if Jamie didn't actually want Alex to do any of those things as a way of showing support following a death? Jamie might then be upset that Alex made assumptions instead of providing the kind of support they actually needed.

Like I said, it depends on the person and the situation. If Alex knows Jamie well enough, they'd know Jamie wants their space or minimal input/support from friends. On the flip side, maybe Jamie might know Alex needs guidance and could just give a quick word to stand by in case Jamie needs to talk.

This is the kind of thing that goes both ways. Admittedly, maybe it's not something you just randomly bring up in conversation, but if you sincerely want to support someone, you have to be honest about what you're able and willing to do. Of course nobody's a mind reader and clarification is sometimes needed. In that case, I hope both sides can give each other grace, though some situations may make that a challenge.

That's not emotional labour, that's communication. If someone just assumed what help I needed and started doing things "for me" without my instructions or consent, I'd be so much more annoyed than being asked about how someone could help me first. People need to stop applying every therapy tiktok buzzword to every situation.

This.

And I am the opposite. I wish people would step in and do things for me in the name of caring without me having to ask for shpport every single time for every single thing.

Would you say there's a difference between you having to be the one to reach out every time, and people coming to you and saying, "it seems like you may need support right now. What can I do?"

>>If you shouldn't have to tell people what you want and need, because that's "labor," then you're going to be far less likely to ever get what you want and need.

I think this gets to the heart of it. I see a broader tendency online for people to make a lot of soothing claims about what you "shouldn't have to do" that are completely disconnected from the practical needs of (for instance) having relationships that feel supportive and don't fall apart.

Aside from the fact that communicating with other people who want to help you is "work" humans have had millions of years' worth of evolutionary practice at, and you would not be here if your brain weren't pretty adequate at it ... there's just nothing "unreasonable" about the expectation. IMO.

Yeah I'm inclined to agree with you.

The emotional labor is asking if there is anything one can do.

If the other person doesn't know, then they don't know.

It's actually IMO really insensitive to get upset that a friend is asking if there is anything they can do to help.

People need to understand that there are two people in a relationship. Both people's feelings matter. Sometimes one person's emotions/needs takes precedence, but IME very few people actually approach the person in need to ask what they can do to help so it was actually rather thoughtful of Alex to ask Jamie if they need help.

If anything, it's weirdly entitled (and rude IMO) to expect Alex to intrinsically know how to help Jamie.

Also, I can be more upset with people if they ask me if I'm OK or need help and then they start moving around and doing things when I tell them no or I don't know.
Sometimes I literally just need a pause - a moment of stillness - to feel OK. To simply be seen sometimes is all I need.

But it's just me and my POV. I personally think Alex did nothing wrong and Jamie and/or third party need to think about what it means to be a friend and to have a friend.

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[ SECRET POST #6551 ]

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