fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #6659 ]

[ SECRET POST #6659 ]

⌈ Secret Post #6659 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

__________________________________________________

02.

__________________________________________________

03.

__________________________________________________

04.

__________________________________________________

05.

__________________________________________________

06.

__________________________________________________

07.

__________________________________________________

08.

[Yumejoshi/otome/selfship fandom]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 38 secrets from Secret Submission Post #951.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

It took me forever to realize and accept I wasn't straight because of my upbringing.

i started to get an inkling at 19 about to turn 20 right after high school graduation because i started having vivid girlxgirl fantasies and i started writing/roleplaying gay male characters.

Also i realize now that i was super sexually repressed as a young teen and a kinda "ethical horndog" male character I roleplayed once was how I channeled all this and all my repressed desire. Around my early twenties I was starting to realize how sex-shaming the church was against women in particular. And how fucked up their sexist "you MUST be a virgin til marriage" rhetoric to girls especially was.

I think by now i realized that in my late teens /early twenties i had SO much repressed desire and attraction that practically burst through the dam after my HS graduation.

Sorry if this is TMI .

I honestly thought there was something wrong with me for being a woman with a strong sex drive at all. I thought my attraction to women was just because I watched porn (which I felt super guilty about but couldn't stop) and was interested in sex in general.

Even after I'd become accepting about LGBT people and realized how stupid homophobia and transphobia were, I still felt guilty for my own feelings. It wasn't really until I had my first crush on a girl in college that I realized that I genuinely was bisexual.

I still struggle with the self loathing and guilt in a lot of ways.

And yes, so much of the church is super sex-shaming against women. It is our fault when men lust and of course we don't lust at all, right? We are responsible for controlling ourselves and men. And sex is all about men and making babies. Our own desires don't even exist.

Its like "if you cheat/lust it's your fault". But also "if HE cheats/lusts. It's also your fault"
????
Women really get the short end of the stick with evangelicals

Yup. Exactly. And when you grow up in that environment, even when you actually know that (my parents were evangelicals, but the kind that were at least a bit less sexist), you still end up buying into some of it without realizing.

Now if only i could get the rest of my fam around to realize that trans/nonbinary stuff is less about sexuality and sex and more of a body image thing connected to gender. Because that really helped me come around to understand.

Doesn't hurt that i had a smidge of nonbinary feelings myself

So sorry. I was never able to come out to my dad. I've actually come out to my mom, and she's been okay about it, mostly. I think it helped that my sex drive has drastically reduced since having a hysterectomy. Partly because they have serious issues around sex (supposedly just outside of straight marriage) and partly because it feels safer that I'll probably never actually be in a relationship.

*hug*
I never got to come out to my mom because she died but i like to think given time she would have come to terms with it eventually.

So sorry. It was the same for me with my dad. Honestly, I don't know if I would have felt comfortable coming out to him ever. I loved him, still miss him. but he was definitely more strongly anti-LGBT than my mom.

my mom was a bit more religious and a bit more conservative than my dad but she was always very loving of the four of us kids (my siblings and I) and especially accepting of me with all my quirks so . Idk.

I fully came to realize the nonbinary thing when I wore a dress to be a bridesmaid in my dad's wedding to my stepmother and i looked in the mirror at myself in the dress and it was this legit body snatchers type feeling. Like i was looking at someone else wearing my skin in that dress my brain going "that is NOT me".

And then i realized ..."this might be dysphoria". At least a mild form.

And thinking on it , i remembered feeling kinda this way about getting dressed up foe church as an older child (10-12?) the reason i hated it was because I'd look in the mirror and feel like it was very much not me when i was dressed like that.
Which also may have been part of other body image issues i had as a teen , and young adult, that were part of why i resented my parents' attempts to instill better hygiene skills and pride in my appearance . I just have a whole complicated thing about feelings towards my looks and body)

(And thats also why most of the time now i just don't DO full-on dresses)

For the longest time I would go months where I just pointedly avoided looking in the mirror.

Anyway sorry for all the tl;dr but writing all this out helps me process it.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #6659 ]

Re: I can't believe I thought that

Re: I can't believe I thought that

Re: I can't believe I thought that

Re: I can't believe I thought that

Re: I can't believe I thought that

Re: I can't believe I thought that

Re: I can't believe I thought that

Re: I can't believe I thought that

Re: I can't believe I thought that

Re: I can't believe I thought that

Re: I can't believe I thought that