[ SECRET POST #6875 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #6875 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.


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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 42 secrets from Secret Submission Post #982.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Re: SA

[(Anonymous)]

I can definitely see how this theory can be true. I have certainly had relationships where we would throw insults at each other or tease each other, but NGL those dynamics eventually took a nosedive.
At some point, the teasings began to feel like straight up bullying/passive aggressive opportunities to hurt me or embarrass me or make me feel smaller/less than.
And then I eventually slowed interactions with those people.
And yes, I'd tell those people, "Hey that hurt my feelings."
I would get excuses in which the blame was on me for being too sensitive or too serious, unable to take a joke, I'm souring the mood, I deserved it because I'd done something that upset them, well other people make them the butt of the joke sometimes too so what's the big deal?

And I'm extremely sensitive to putdowns because I grew up in what some would call a "non-love" household. Tenderness and compassion were seen as not needed/weak, especially toward the child/children in the household.

Some of the few memories I have where I had a "good" time with my mom in which we laughed and felt like we were bonding...were when we'd team up and make fun of a family member. There weren't a lot of those for me. I was often the target, less so the clapping/flying monkeys who joined in on making the jokes.

I feel like I must have been a difficult person to hang out with in elementary-high school. I gained a lot of tenderness and compassionate support from classmates I made friends with, but the only form of connection I learned from my family was insult as a form of endearment.

"LOL We call each other losers because we're friends LOL if I insult you it means I love you because we're so comfortable insulting each other"

But when the teasings became a bit too much, I'd start to feel hurt and push away. I understand I'd created my own hell, but it was all I knew.

Now that I'm approaching middle age, I have been working on my mental health but this is still a murky area for me.

I try not to build up relationships with insults/cruelty to indicate closeness. I try to encourage, stay quiet in some areas unless directly asked (and even then I try to be mindful), and I try to be supportive.
But I have seen that people tend to find me as someone "serious". I've kind of been told in so many ways that I come off hard to approach and intimidating.
And I do get a little confused when I see people make fun of each other. It does often feel like those that make fun of each other have a closeness I don't know of, and IDK...
I feel like I miss out on a lot but at the same time, I know the low jabs sort of interactions really can get to me.

I think what I would prefer is sincere kindness and compassion over insults as a form of endearment, but I feel like the world rewards the opposite.

Also, I don't know how important this is, I'm aroace so I've never dated. Watching friends and family interact with their partner, listening to them vent about their partners...it confuses me as to why people stay in relationships that sound awful? And when I try to say things like, "Well sounds like it won't get better unless they want to change, and you can’t make them change," it feels like they know what I'm saying but they would rather stay in their situation.
And...that's their choice, but why do they continually go on about a relationship that sounds toxic (some even abusive) and still stay?

And I've learned. I don't tell people "just break up"/"have you thought about breaking up?", because it makes things worse. I just say now "that sounds rough, I'm sorry."/"Have you two talked about this?.....Oh, yeah that sucks/oh, well, I hope that means things will get better."

People think I just want all my friends to be single, but honestly, it's because I learned via my parents (who are still married) the "struggle love" is a lifetime of repressed anger and quiet heartbreak.

I know no relationship is 100% perfect, but I've seen actual healthier couples work through their trials and tribulations and they don't seem to come with the drama that so many "struggle love" relationships tend to.

Just, the whole world got me fucked up.

Re: SA

[(Anonymous)]

So, this is a lot, but anon, let me share my vision with you. This is with lots of therapy and work, so keep that in mind. I have been on this journey. Not with my family, but with my SO’s family.

You become the person you practice to be. You don’t want to insult people as an expression of caring, and that’s a positive step! Now work on removing yourself from toxic situations and/or people. If they insult you, yes, tell them it hurts you. When they try to gaslight you, call them on it, restate your position, and LEAVE. It’s amazing how powerful it is to simply stop being part of those interactions.

I cut the toxic people out of our lives a decade and a half ago. I don’t seek them out, I don’t interact with them. If I must see them, the moment they are rude, I leave. Do we have to reschedule? Sometimes yes, and after the second or third time, they stop being rude.

I also council you to start volunteering or having hobbies and interacting with other people. I craft and read. My local yarn store is a place of comfort. My library is lovely and I belong to a couple of book clubs. I sing in a choir. I take walks with my dogs and have a group of people to meet at the dog park. I volunteer at the local elementary school and help kids learn to read. It’s hard to focus on the toxic people in my life when I have so many other amazing, kind, and lovely people around me. I highly recommend this course of action.

May your journey be filled with kind and wonderful people, and help you be at ease with yourself and your life.