[ SECRET POST #6981 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #6981 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.


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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 31 secrets from Secret Submission Post #997.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Aging parents.

[(Anonymous)]

Someone recced the subreddit the other day and I spent like... two hours reading over posts because I'm in a similar situation and it's helped me come to a decision that's been troubling me. My father is in his 80s, and not in great health. He's still able to physically get around without assistance for now, but his mental faculties are slipping. Memory is worsening, which I'd expect at his age. But he's getting snappish and impatient, with a mean, petty streak.

Someone on the subreddit said that having aging parents was kind of like childhood in reverse and it was infuriating and heartbreaking - your parents get childish, unpredictable, bratty, unable to cope. Only unlike toddlers, they're not going to make any progress. It's only going to get worse. I see that with my father. It's not very bad yet, but it's been heading in that direction for the past couple years. He's bossy and wants everything his way, and even if you bend over backwards for him he's still not happy. He's physically deteriorating and not willing to do anything that might help him remain independent, including eating a healthier diet.

Ten years ago, I had this idea that maybe he could live with me when he gets to the point where he needs help. I can drive him around, take him to appointments, cook better meals, help him with everyday tasks. It wouldn't be great, there are definitely drawbacks to this plan but it seemed possible to me then. My dad doesn't want to go into assisted living and has said he'd rather die. I want his final years to be comfortable. But now... no. I don't think I can do this for him. It'd be one thing if he were nice or at least trying to be patient and nice when people help him. But he isn't. I can see myself trapped with a sick, angry old man who won't lift a finger to help himself, but is more than happy to berate me for not being able to fix all his problems, including the ones he created. I'd be miserable.

So now, when the time comes and he has a bad fall or can no longer take care of himself physically, assisted living it is. I feel bad about it, but not bad enough to sacrifice the rest of my life for him. It's my hope that he dies quickly and painlessly before he reaches that point - and that would also be his preference. But no way in hell am I taking on the caregiver role.

Re: Aging parents.

[(Anonymous)]

I lost my dad last year and I can feel myself echoed in your post, anon. A few months before he was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer he slipped off the ladder on the last step, which has made me wary of my mother on ladders or step stools, especially since she fell down the stairs rushing to get back to his bedside in the hospital. He was 81 when he passed.

I do agree it's like reverse childhood where we're the ones taking care of them now. I had a moment last week where I couldn't get through to my mother and she'd just. left the phone in the car because she shop she was going into was a black hole. We've agreed that I'll hold off on the AirTag or tracking her phone as long as she texts me where she is first. It feels like parenting, which isn't great for my mental health since I never considered myself capable of being a parent.

I'm sorry I can't offer any advice, I thought you might like to know you're not alone in this.

Re: Aging parents.

[(Anonymous)]

It helps, thank you. I never considered myself capable of being a parent, either. I don't have kids, don't plan to have any. I don't want that kind of caregiver role and I know I'm not well suited for it long term. It's even harder when the "child" in question is actually a fully grown adult. I've had awful arguments with my dad, who doesn't want to face up to his physical limitations. He doesn't want to end up crippled and bed-bound, but that's exactly where he's headed with his lifestyle. He refuses to listen to me, and gets angry when I try to reason with him. It seems a lot of people are struggling with the same issues re: their own parents and it sucks.

Re: Aging parents.

[(Anonymous)]

I work in aged care. Almost every elderly person says they'd rather die than go into assisted living. What they mean is they don't want to be old and frail. But early dementia often manifests as the mean, petty streak you talk about, which is a sign of fear and loss of control. You should absolutely not be planning to care for him in his home or yours. Instead, plan to support him in aged care. It's not the easy way out by any means: elderly people in competent aged care with good family support is the absolute best case scenario apart from multi-millionaires with at home professional staff.

Instead of discussing aged care with him, discuss his wants for the rest of his life. Make sure he has a will and know what he wants to spend his own money on in his lifetime. Get a medical power of attorney in place so you can advocate for him. If possible, get a financial power of attorney in the event of him being incapacitated. The more you can get in place now, the easier it will be later.