[ SECRET POST #7014 ]

⌈ Secret Post #7014 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

All secrets have spoiler/content warnings today!

01. [SPOILERS for Big Mouth (kdrama)]

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02. [SPOILERS for Call the Midwife, series 15 finale]

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03. [SPOILERS for Call the Midwife]

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04. [WARNING for discussion of pedophilia]

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05. [WARNING for discussion of ableism]

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06. [WARNING for discussion of JKR/transphobia]

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07. [WARNING for discussion of transphobia, racism]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 00 secrets from Secret Submission Post #1001.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

LOL I was passively thinking of starting a thread to ask FS if someone I know is sorta the self-destructive type...

I definitely know people who seem to have bad luck, but the more time I spend with them the more I start to wonder if they create and fulfill their own prophecies of bad luck.

In a specific situation, I have a coworker named Betty.
Betty used to tell me that she didn't have friends because she tends to have bad luck with friends, they betray her or abandon/ghost her. Despite the NLOG coded back story, I make friendly with Betty, because everyone deserves a chance. I can't just write people off based off first impressions.

Along comes a new coworker, Gwen. Gwen, Betty and I get along well and hang out a few times outside of work.
Then Betty gets weird about Gwen. When Gwen isn't around Betty says she doesn't like Gwen. Our friend group at work widens a bit at the same time, and yet Betty insists on stating that she doesn't like Gwen.

From my perspective, Betty is comparing herself to Gwen and for whatever reason Gwen makes her feel insecure, so she wants other people to choose her over Gwen to quell her insecurities.

At some point, I realized I can't create a way for Betty to see past the projections she casts on Gwen. She even told me that if I invite Gwen to events don't invite Betty because Betty can't stand Gwen. Which I was like, "OK. Noted."

Gwen and I make plans to hang out all the time. Sometimes it's just the two of us, sometimes with other friends. Sometimes plans fall through but it's no big deal because we are always discussing future plans.

Making plans with Betty is challenging. I find myself being the one to organize and communicate. Add to that, Betty is really flakey. I can't predict if she'll cancel last minute. Sometimes she'll want to add onto the plans but have no regard for how it'll complicate the timeline (IE. I planned a dinner and karaoke for 6PM, a week ahead I tell Betty and another friend, Nikki, I made reservations. Betty keeps insisting on going to get piercings and/or tattoos beforehand, and I ask what time does she want to meet up because I want to know how early I need to get ready and leave the house. She continually responds with "let's play it by ear." I point out if she wants to get tattoos at a parlor in downtown, it's about an hour away from the restaurant I'd made reservations at, so again, what time is she wanting us to get to the tattoo parlor?
All this days before the event. Day of, she sends texts about car issues so she can't make it. I text back sorry to hear, hope her car is OK. Nikki and I confirm with each other that we can meet up for dinner and karaoke and it'll just be a duo night. Magically, Betty's car issue is resolved and she can meet us for dinner. Like, Lord, I just want to hang out with friends. I'm not here to play mind games).

After Betty outright told me she didn't like Gwen nor wanted to hang out with her, I told Gwen she should be cautious with Betty, and even though I wish we could all just hang out and get along, I don't want to create opportunities for Betty to create issues with Gwen. When I made plans with each lady, I tried not to bring it up to the other.

A couple weeks ago, Betty found out about a lunch I was having with Gwen and some friends we'd made through work. I think it made Betty feel left out. But you know...she said if I invited Gwen, Betty wouldn't want to be there...

And then earlier this week, Gwen brought up to me that Betty told her that she wants us all to hang out again. And we're both kinda on the same page. It's not that we don't want to hang out with Betty, because she can be very funny and engaging and nice. But her talking shit/mind games and flakey habits makes it hard to want to do things with her outside of work.

The other ladies (outside of Nikki) stopped talking to Betty because neither they nor Betty put effort into keeping in touch, ya know?

I told Gwen I would only make plans to invite the both of them if Gwen wants to, but I am leaning towards not doing so.

I think of Betty saying she doesn't have friends when we first met, and I see how she tried to create a "Me vs Her" situation with Gwen, when the entire time Gwen has been so kind and inclusive toward Betty!!!
It's so sad to see women like Betty lose out on amazing friendships all because she's too busy projecting her insecurities onto other. =(

I know that NLOGs/Pickmeshas can only make it to the other side when they're ready (realizing other women aren't competition, we're each other's support system if we can get past the comparison and competition!). And they're extremely defensive when called out. I want to give Betty some grace because I've been insecure with some of my friendships in the past. My friends in those situations were so understanding and patient with me and my flakey, insecure self.

But IDK how it's going to go since Betty and I are different people, and our approaches and (possible, in Betty's case) intentions are different.
I do wonder if Betty's actions are intentional or not.

I had another friend, Jaslene, who I'd lost touch with when I moved away when we were 15. Over a decade later, we got back in touch. She'd stopped talking to a lot of our friends. From what she said, it sounded like they ghosted her. I felt bad for her. I stopped talking to our friends because I moved away and we simply stopped talking as time went on.
But the more time I spent with Jaslene I realized Jaslene is really self centered and the "Iamsmart" type of person. Where she makes assumptions based on anecdotal situations and leans into confirmation biases, and concludes she is right.
It was exhausting talking to Jaslene. I know Jaslene had gone through a lot, but at the same time, Jaslene seemed to lack the capacity to connect that how she affects people affects how they interact with her.
Like, yes, Jaslene, it sounds terrible that you were harassed at work, but the Coach purse saleslady was just trying to make conversation....
And I was there because I thought we were there to shop. Not listen to Jaslene make her problems everyone else's....

Ugh, Betty sounds like a real handful. I'm sorry you're dealing with that. It's hard to watch someone who is hurting themselves like that, by making themselves unlikable/stirring the pot for no good reason. It's sad to see someone who is insecure but really doesn't need to be, and ends up isolating themselves.

[ SECRET POST #7014 ]

Re: You ever find someone who has a lot of drama, and realize they do it to themselves?

Re: You ever find someone who has a lot of drama, and realize they do it to themselves?