fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #7034 ]

[ SECRET POST #7034 ]

⌈ Secret Post #7034 ⌋

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I don't mean just romantic ones, I mean friendships, family relationships, casual acquaintances, etc. Are you the pragmatic type of person who looks at a failing relationship and think, well, this seems to have run its course and plan your exit? Or do you hold on in hopes of it improving, or because you just can't bring yourself to end it?

I used to be the hold on type of person but I think as I get older, life's too short to waste time and energy on a relationship that's circling the drain. It takes so much out of you, and you don't get anything back, you know?

Likewise I'm an older person, and I am completely out of fucks to give. I haven't got the energy for energy sinks. So yeah, I stop making the slightest effort if it isn't reciprocated (unless there are mitigating circumstances), and occasionally just nope out of relationships.

If by end it you mean just stop being the one to make all contact and plans and suddenly never see that person again....I went through a phase where I cut out quite a few people this way.

I've always had a 'one strike and you're out' rule with every relationship I've ever had, family, friends, romance, the moment someone hurts me I dump them because as far as I'm concerned if they're going to do it once they'll do it again. I also have the kind of brain that once someone hurts me any positive feelings I had towards them turn off, like nope, no longer care about them, goodbye.

That actually seems pretty unhealthy.

I still have friends and family, I just don’t put up with bullshit and never have.

I used to be a person who let relationships go on too long. Then I quit two "friend" groups within the space of two years. I couldn't put myself at risk any longer for more than one reason, but also they just weren't good friendships, no matter how much I thought the past counted.

I've never seen the point of holding on to something that isn't giving me what I want or need.

I cut off a lot of extended relatives who never had my back in an obviously abusive situation, and in fact were on the side of my abuser in court. I had absolutely no problem completely cutting off my dad once I turned 18 and could do that legally (the abuser). I recently cut my aunt off because she has a diagnosed and medicated personality disorder that she does not feel responsible for managing and we must all always forgive her when she's being a bitch because, gosh darnit, she just can't help herself, she forgot her meds again. Tee hee.

No. Buh-bye, see you never.

If you make mistakes but you're genuine in your desire to have a relationship with me and you work on it (and give me the same grace; I will fuck up as well), then I'll fight tooth and nail. My mom and I have had a LOT of ups and downs but we've always been committed to maintaining our relationship and we've both worked on it a lot.

I think it's the perimenopause, because I've heard a lot of women say the same thing... you run out of fucks to give. A lot of the things you used to tolerate irritate you a LOT more and because you've been patient and understanding for decades at this point, you're fucking DONE. That friend who's always an hour late for everything no matter what and then "forgets" their money so can you cover lunch again? They can fuck right off. That guy who has shitty opinions about how women should dress because men don't like non-girly fashions? He can eat a whole juicy bag of dicks. The co-worker who takes your stuff without asking and then never returns it? Desk drawer is now locked and all my good pens are beyond your reach, shithead.

It seems aggressive and impatient, but honestly... a lot of the people getting cut off or ghosted aren't adding much to your life, anyway. Let this be a lesson to annoying little crapsacks to be better friends, co-workers and partners if they want people to show up for them and be nice to them.

Yeah this question feels weird to me as a fellow periomenopausal woman because socioemotional selective theory is valid. As we enter middle age, we tend to care more about strengthening existing bonds than forming new ones.

There's so little motivation to devote time and energy to people who aren't giving that time and energy back.

You know. I have a lot of thoughts about this. You know how "Karen" kind of means a middle-aged woman who is a bitch? I feel like it's really common for middle-aged women to get to the point of being bitches because they have, like you said, spent literal decades of their lives keeping sweet, and being accommodating and understanding, and gritting their teeth and smiling, and being the bigger person, and not making it an issue, and just accepting whatever shit is thrown at you. And then you get older and you start to run out of that fucking patience and you stand up for yourself for once, and because you're a woman who is stepping out of her place, that's a bad thing. Especially if you're an OLDER woman, aka not fuckable (or not AS fuckable), you have minimal worth and should just sit down and shut the fuck up. And speaking out is the worst thing you can do.

So yeah. I have complicated thoughts about "Karen" because I fucking get it.

DA

"Karen" doesn't mean "middle aged woman who doesn't take shit anymore." It means "woman who will verbally and maybe physically assault a service worker because they're out of vanilla syrup."

This. And it can also apply to men.

+1

It’s a very specific type of woman, or customer in general tbh because men absolutely did this too, who will yell at employees because they didn’t have the shade of pink lipstick they wanted.

It is not misogyny to call people doing that dickheads.

You must never have seen a woman who is not at all in the wrong or unreasonable being called a Karen. I envy you. I've seen it a lot.

Re: How often do you end bad relationships?

(Anonymous) - 2026-04-10 17:52 (UTC) - Expand

I disagree. Maybe that was the original meaning of "Karen," but in popular usage, it now tends to mean "A woman who behaves in a way that I don't like, and my standards for the appropriate behavior of women may or may not be reasonable."

Re: How often do you end bad relationships?

(Anonymous) - 2026-04-10 17:20 (UTC) - Expand

Re: How often do you end bad relationships?

(Anonymous) - 2026-04-10 19:06 (UTC) - Expand

Re: How often do you end bad relationships?

(Anonymous) - 2026-04-10 23:23 (UTC) - Expand

Re: How often do you end bad relationships?

(Anonymous) - 2026-04-11 05:33 (UTC) - Expand

It was originally a short-hand for racist white women who call the cops on black people existing outside and got applied to certain types of customers because the behaviour carried over. But yeah, this is what a Karen is, not just a woman who's saying no to something.

Re: How often do you end bad relationships?

(Anonymous) - 2026-04-10 23:32 (UTC) - Expand

Re: How often do you end bad relationships?

(Anonymous) - 2026-04-11 00:19 (UTC) - Expand

For me, it's that I spent years tolerating peoples' fuck-ups, but that based on the understanding that *I* would want people to be patient with me. If I cut someone some slack for something crappy they did, I expect them to fix their issues and not repeat the mistake, because that's what I try to do. But people rarely do this. More often, you cut someone slack and they take that as implicit permission to be a dickhead because there are no penalties for it.

So yeah, the peri is getting me and I'm tired and hot and have zero energy for the things that I like and the people I like. So the people I don't like that much, or the people with recurring patterns of poor behavior - I'm cutting them loose, but not before they get a serious chewing out. I don't care if it doesn't fix them, I'm just giving them a piece of my mind that they've richly deserved for years. That's their penalty.

Getting older isn't an excuse to scream at strangers just doing their fucking jobs, I don't care how accommodating or small you've made yourself over your life, the moment you start yelling at someone over fucking nothing you're the twat and will be shamed as such.

And I will shame dudes for this behaviour too, as they fucking do it as well, sometimes worse as I've seen grown men try to get physically violent with teenager staff members.

For my peace of mind and because it's my personality, I give it a good try before ending things. I try to speak openly about my feelings and hear out the other person, and see if there's a way forward. Then I give it some time and see what happens. It doesn't bother me to call it quits after that (well, it's sad and I miss the relationship, but I don't blame myself). Sometimes I've really turned around relationships for the better by being honest about what I needed and being willing to compromise for the other person too. Sometimes trying to change things just lead to drama and the end of the friendship.

Staying in a bad relationship (platonic, romantic, familial, any type) where I feel I'm being mistreated, nothing is changing and I can't be honest about my feelings is just painful and I don't think it does the other person much good either, it's just enablement after a certain point. But I'm not quick to cut people off either, a lot of situations can improve when both people are willing to work for it. Sometimes also just establishing boundaries around certain topics that you both feel strongly about is enough too for things to improve a lot in a friendship.

Likewise, I ended things with someone I thought of as my "best friend" back in 2016 because she got upset at me over something trivial and tried to drag my name through the mud with our friend group (who stuck by me). If people are only in my life for a blip of a second (like say when on vacation and I'm on a tour group), they're not worth my time.

I'm now 40 but my mental health is so much better from not having to do any gymnastics over people and their actions.

Oh boy. I'm a hopeless doormat, and it takes extreme measures for me to cut people off. I had a friend who I was ready to cut off for well over 10 years before it was finally over. I'm in a romantic relationship of 13 years that has been shitty, and only in the past six months or so was I ready to end it, but I don't know when it'll be over because I just can't bring myself to do it. I stayed at a shitty job for over a decade too. I'm pathetic, I can't/won't stand up for myself, and my life suffers because of it.

Leave the relationship nonny, you deserve better!

You deserve better. I notice you are talking harshly about yourself here, it's good to take responsibility for things that you're able to change (like noticing when you don't stand up for yourself, and how it affects your life when you don't) but I don't think that means you need to beat yourself up.

It's never too late to let go of something that no longer serves you. It's not the end of the world when you end other things in your life.

It's cliche but it's true: when you close one door behind you, a new one will open up in front of you.

Will it lead to something better?
I don't know, but there's a new way forward. I'd like to focus on that than hold onto the door behind me.

You can let things go, nonny.
I still struggle to let things go myself, but the more you do it, the easier it is to let go of toxic/unnecessary things and people. Wishing you much grace and luck.

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