[ SECRET POST #1583 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #1583 ⌋


Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.


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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 04 pages, 83 secrets from Secret Submission Post #226.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 1 2 3 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 1 2 3 - too big ], [ 0 - hit/ship/spiration ], [ 0 - omgiknowthem ], [ 0 - take it to comments ], [ 0 - repeats ]
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments and concerns should go here.

Comments

[darlas-mom.livejournal.com]

The anon directly above me (not the first one- I don't think anything you said implied you thought that a beating-less rape was not a rape) pretty much covered it, but there's one thing I take issue with specifically at the end of your comment.

And then we haven't even gotten to the point of: should we police people's kinks, even if they are objectively worse than ours are? Which was the point of the post, and frankly a bit of a can of worms....

No one is talking about policing anyone's kinks. The OP said s/he thinks fandom's support of some kinks goes too far, and that the subtext of some of these kinks is frightening and something s/he judges. OP did not say anything about trying to get comm mods or LJ staff to modify their policies against kink, or individual authors to stop writing, or individual readers to stop reading.

This was also something OP felt the need to say anonymously, which kind of implies that OP knows s/he would be shouted down if s/he even tried to have an open discussion about some kinks being problematic. This is a problem. The attitude toward discussing things like this in fandom is a problem. Kink being a sacred cow no one should ever dare to talk about in a less than 100% positive way is a problem.

Bitchy Jones (a femdom blogger I recommend to a lot of people) said something once that I think is something more people should think about: "And you know, talking of not my kink, people do like to hit me over the head with your kink is not my kink but your kink is okay. Yeah, yeah. Now, I should probably do a whole post about this thing, but to cover it in brief. I don’t think that just because something is someone’s kink it is therefore *beyond* *criticism* – yes, even by other perverts! (Does anyone *really* think this? Like in kink you have to check in your critical faculties with your street wear.) (http://bitchyjones.wordpress.com/2007/08/18/men-at-work/)"

[(Anonymous)]

I agree with the opinion you elaborated on (wrt kink.) But as you also say that you agree with the second comment, I wonder what you think of the comment I left to them. Honestly curious but I gotta say I disagree with some of it.

TW for rape, sexual harassment and abusive relationships

[darlas-mom.livejournal.com]

To start with, I wanna say that your story is utterly heartbreaking, and I am so sorry- not only that it happened to you, but that anything in this thread has felt dismissive of you or your experience. I especially apologize if I've been part of that.

My agreement with the second commenter has to do with the fact that I think kallandra_lee's expressed viewpoint that all rapes are the same in every situation and every context strikes me as terribly dismissive. 'Cause...the thing is, I have experienced what one might call "a gray rape." That is, a boyfriend crawled on me in my sleep and I woke up to him switching from my vagina to my anus and back again. I had not consented to this in any way- I was unconscious. He felt entitled to my body, whether I was there or not, whether I wanted it or not, whether I enjoyed it or not. But the reason I never label this as a rape is because I felt...annoyed. Angry. Not violated or used or traumatized the way I would have expected myself to feel. The incident that hurt me much more was years later, when a stranger cornered me in a parking lot in an "aggressively friendly" way, insisting on touching my hands and arms and giving me his phone number and telling me about his life and trying to convince me to go somewhere with him for a meal. Objectively, the lover who abused my trust and my body should probably have been worse to me than the stranger who would have been classified by most as "coming on a little strong," but...it just wasn't, and I don't know why.

Some experiences feel worse to the person experiencing them, whether anyone could understand why or not. The pain is not the same, and I just don't think that accepting that means saying that other rapes "don't count." Your experience can be worse than mine without mine being less horrible to me, if that makes sense?

Or, to put it another way, someone I know and love dearly was sexually abused for years by her stepfather. Her experience has had a far more profoundly traumatizing effect on her than mine had on me. (For one example: I still enjoy both partner sex and masturbation. She does not.) But we've told each other our stories, and neither of us feels like the differences in our experiences and their aftermath means one of us is the "real" survivor and the other's pretending. There's room for what happened to us to be different and affect us differently without saying only one is valid.