fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #1615 ]

⌈ Secret Post #1615 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 08 pages, 185 secrets from Secret Submission Post #231.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 1 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 1 - too big ], [ 0 - repeats ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I'm not the one who eschews people based on their gender. This might be a little absolutist for someone who wishes to convince people that *their* bigotry is ~different~ and acceptable based on OMGprivilege, but not being a bigot means not judging people on inborn traits, regardless of who's currently on top.

(There are plenty of lesbians I've known who had perfectly reasonable, civil, or friendly relationships with men. When someone hates men, it's not unreasonable to suspect that them calling themselves lesbian has more to do with gender politics than sexuality.)

As exhausting (and incredibly demeaning to the actual queer community) as political lesbians are, OP mentioned that her distrust of men is rooted in abuse which is uhhhh... something that happens and is not all that unusual or even that difficult to understand!

Sure, she could be lying to prove a point on a fandom community which would be a shitty thing to do, but you have no way of knowing so why not give her the benefit of the doubt?

Because I'm annoyed with her for being a bigot and throwing an insulting accusation her way.

okay but did OP say she hated men like anywhere in her statement? She just said that she is wary of them and chooses not to associate with them closely because she's been abused by them multiple times. I agree that it's irrational for her to be overlaying that personal experience onto a fictional setting in which misogyny is irrelevant and I actually think that her secret is stupid, but you can't really criticize her personal choice and possibly traumatic experience on the same level as you can criticize her dumb fandom opinions, which is something that happens in this comm a lot unfortunately. idek

Like, seriously people in this thread seem to just be chomping at the bit to have the BUT WHAT ABOUT MISANDRY!!!!!!!!!!!!! argument at the drop of a hat.

But how is being wary of men and not associating with them because they're all likely to be abusive NOT misandry? If I said "oh, I don't recommend anyone associate with black people - I've been robbed by black people before and now I'm wary of them" everyone would definitely be calling racism.

Just because she has a 'reason' for avoiding men, doesn't make it right. (and it's not an actual reason, it's just an emotional thing; I understand it but that doesn't make it any more sensible. I've got a phobia because of something that happened to me, but I don't vehemently insist that it makes sense and everyone should have that phobia)

If I said "oh, I don't recommend anyone associate with black people - I've been robbed by black people before and now I'm wary of them" everyone would definitely be calling racism.

The difference is that not one in every four people is robbed by a black person, but roughly one in every four women is sexually abused at some point in their life and well over 90% of abusers are male. The tenants of proper masculine behaviour often necessitate the abuse and oppression of women and many men buy into and support rape culture and misogyny passively and unconsciously. So basically, if you're robbed once by a black person, it's not likely that you will be robbed again by a black person nor will you be constantly surrounded by black people who belittle your experience or otherwise attempt to normalize or reinforce it. Not so if you are an abuse survivor. This is why some women who have been abused by men choose to disengage- because it's the least painful option for them.

I do, however, agree that her expecting everyone else to react to her experiences while reading a webcomic is more than unreasonable, especially since troll culture does not actually appear to have gender inequality or a systemic problem of sexist oppression (and is actually a matriarchy??). Her fandom opinion is dumb; her personal life choice doesn't need to be criticized, although to be fair I'm not sure what to think about her bringing it into the debate in the first place. It's a really petty way to win an argument.

Please note that I am probably not the best person to explain this as I am not an abuse survivor, durr hurr. :/ ~~I just like arguing on the internet and care about feminism so if I've said some dumb shit, let's talk about it.~~

There is, though, the popular conception that most crimes are performed by ethnic minorities - "Most crimes are done by black people = all black people are criminals to be avoided" and "Most rapes are done by men = all men are rapists to be avoided" seem roughly equivalent and equally flawed modes of reasoning. I don't know if I agree with her personal choices not needing to be criticised; she was the one who brought it into the arena of discussion in the first place - and in fact basically suggested that everyone avoid men, therefore making it not entirely a personal decision - and I don't really agree with the whole "people have opinions and we can't judge them ever!" thing anyway.

F!S has a huge bias. Again, if this were about white people avoiding black people, men avoiding women, the rich avoiding the poor, everyone would be saying it was unacceptable. Instead we have people insisting that misandry never exists.

I agree that there is more societal normalisation and problematic issues surrounding rape, though, which does make it harder to deal with emotionally. But cutting yourself off from just under half the population is unfair to yourself, since it denies you so many experiences and lets your past traumas control your life, unfair to the men, and likely unfair to any of her female friends who have male friends and can't hang out with them around her. Though it might be the 'easiest' or least painful option to avoid men, it's not a very good option.

One in four is actually a lie. It was a number thrown around to make points about abuse and especially rape sound more reasonable. It has no basis in statistical reality.

[ SECRET POST #1615 ]

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