fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #1988 ]

[ SECRET POST #1988 ]

⌈ Secret Post #1988 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 071 secrets from Secret Submission Post #284.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 1 - not!fandom ], [ 1 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I posted my secret just today, but I didn't anticipate how desperate I would be needing some sort of feedback for it.

Is it okay if I bring up, my, uh, problem here?

I feel pathetic for even crying over this, but it's really ruined my day, at the very least, and the other "anon" communities I keep finding are... intimidating. :(

by "posted" I meant "submitted"

I fail at English too :(

Sure, if you want to, go ahead! No rule against that.

Thank you!

To make a long back-story short, I've been on-and-off depressed since I was a teenager, but it's mostly under control.

I like drawing. A lot. It is one of my favorite things in the world. But I am terrible at it. I didn't put the effort in it I should have when I was younger, and only now that I'm older am I starting to go about it "the right way".

I was starting to see some progress, very slowly, but still there.

Probably linked to the depression stuff, is that I get easily discouraged.

Every time I come across someone's tumblr or deviantART and see their gorgeous art, I want to give up, believing that I'll never be that good.

I've gotten better at the self-esteem thing as years went by, so I try not to let that bother me any more.

To make it short, I've recently had some rocky interactions online, embarrassing myself, getting short with others but trying to hide it, remembering how terrible I am at maintaining social bonds both online and irl, etc.

I was feeling better about it, though, so all cool there.

But just today I found a very young artist in one of my favorite fandoms who is amazing. This normally wouldn't bother me, but this artist is using the exact same style I was developing and aiming for, with my favorite kind of mix between anatomical realism and sort of stylized caricature-like kind of deal, and the kind of coloring and composition that I simply adore and would like to achieve one day.

This person is still in their mid-teens, while I'm seeing how the years pass by and I still don't get better.

It just... okay, it sounds terribly pathetic, but it hit me hard.

I'm in a very odd kind of situation where I'm not being very productive with my life, that is bound to change in the near future, but I don't know when exactly, and it's been driving me crazy!

Trying to draw was a tangible goal at least (along with writing, which I keep struggling with too), and to realize that I might just be wasting my time if after more than a decade, and that I still suck at time management and motivation and don't improve, and... ugh.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Add that to the fact that my health has taken a big of a mild but steady hit thanks to local pollution, and a volatile political climate, and terrible insecurity where I live ("don't go out of night on certain areas that used to be secure until recently or you might get kidnapped, don't leave the city, etc." kind of bad), and who knows what the next term will bring...

*sigh*

Okay, I just really, really wanted to get this all off my chest in an anonymous manner, but feedback or some sort of advice would be great.

I can't change my living situation because of various reasons that I don't feel comfortable sharing (a therapist/meds aren't an option because of various reasons, moving or something like that aren't options feasible right now either), although I'm hopeful about all this changing relatively soon. But anything on a more personal level would help tremendously, even if it's a proverbial slap to the face.

I just feel drained by now. At least venting here helped me feel less devastated. <:)

Sorry for the tl;dr. I only realized how long it was after I hit the Post Comment button.

um, tl;dr: Younger awesome fanartists have overwhelmed me and I feel pathetic.

...dude

do you realize how common this is?

not that I don't get how you're feeling - I do. art and drawing is pretty important to you, and you've been trying to improve, that's cool. but there are always going to be people who are better than you at things.

does that mean you should get discouraged? I don't know. I'd say take a step back and think about your art. who are you drawing for? what are you drawing for? why do you draw?

does someone younger than you drawing in a way you like and admire invalidate those reasons?

does someone younger than you drawing in a way you like mean that you can *never* draw in the same way?

does someone younger than you drawing in a way you like stop you from taking up the pen or pencil or brush or whatever your medium of choice is?

I can see why you're feeling down. it always sucks to know or think you could be better, but here's another thing: it takes years to get good at anything. I'm serious, years and commitment. I played piano and had a friend who was aiming for being a concert pianist. I always envied their skill, but putting in two hours of solid practice wasn't for me. and even so she could pick up on things and improve much faster than I would. did that mean that I couldn't be a concert pianist ever? no, it'd just take me longer and more practice and years. I chose not to because I had other things going on in my life. that's okay. she chose to practice because that was her life. that's ok too.

but here's the thing, anon. it might take you years. I think you knew that when you started.

you can continue drawing and see where you are in the years to come. or you can stop now, and those years will still pass, anyway. whether or not you choose to continue (and that's up to you, that's always been up to you), the years will pass, and you'll grow older, and they'll grow older, and someone new will come, and someone old will stop.

this is how you feel now.

how do you want to feel in ten years time?

...Thank you for the perspective. These are good questions. I'll think about them.

No, seriously, thank you! I think you hit the nail in the head with the "why" angle.

I'm asking myself right now why I want to draw and I don't like the answers I'm coming up with.

The "someone newer and better will always show up" perspective is daunting when I think about it. I've been consciously trying to ignore it since forever. I think that's a big part of the problem.

Looks like it's time for some good and hard introspection.

Thank you again. This is exactly what I needed. :)

no problem, anon.

I've been where you say you are. it was hard to pull through, but here's a tip: you're not alone. there's nothing wrong with wanting to be the best - who doesn't? but if you really do want to get to a certain standard, then it's all the more important to acknowledge where you stand and where other people stand.

don't be afraid to ask for help. there are plenty of art communities and forums and tutorials online that are great (I have an artist friend who linked me to http://purplekecleon.deviantart.com/art/How-I-See-Color-A-Tutorial-184642625 the other day, might be relevant to your interests if you haven't seen it yet) and ways to improve.

someone new and better will always show up is something that's usually scary to confront head on. but someone new and better showing up doesn't mean you can't be damn good on your own terms - depending on what your terms are, and that's something else you need to think about. do you want to be good, or do you want to be better than other people?

just keep in mind: you're not alone in your art, or how you feel about things. and whenever you're drawing, ask yourself - why are you doing it, and is it making you happy?

whatever your answers are, those are useful things to think about.

Thank you. Seriously, thank you so much.

don't worry about it.

http://www.thenicestplaceontheinter.net/

and have a hug (or several), you sound like you could probably use one.

I'm not really clear on whether or not you post your art so I have no idea if this helps but in my experience fanartists are pretty rare (perhaps even for similar reasons) so fandom has always seemed very welcoming and greatful for any new fanart no matter the artist's talent level.

You might even find motivation in posting, a different perspective on your work, or someone to mentor you.

Edited 2012-06-13 05:59 (UTC)

I'll probably give that a shot sometime. Thank you!

Good luck!

OP, as long as you keep drawing and explore different styles and techniques, as long as you still enjoy drawing and making art, I'm sure you'll do well. Age doesn't matter. Inate skills don't matter. Keep working on it, keep practising, and one day you'll be able to draw better than the lazy bums who bask in the glory of the moment and doesn't think it necessary to learn anything new.

I'll leave you with a quote from Einstein (I think):
"Genius is 1% talent and 99% percent hard work."

Good luck!

Thank you. c:

AYRT

A friend of mine takes watercolour painting class at a local community center and I went to her end-of-the-year critique session (everyone brought in paintings for feedback). The students are almost all stay-at-home moms or retirees looking to pick up a hobby. Very few people (like, none) have had previous experience with painting or drawing. However, they are all good.

One lady's celery seemed real enough to eat. Another spent a year working on a dragon that would not have looked out of place among sci-fi illustrations. There was a painting of fern and fungi that looked as though it came straight out of a botanical guide. My favourite was a sunset - it looked like a stunning poster print of a photograph and it simply glowed with the light of the setting sun.

The lady who painted the dragon picture started out in the beginning watercolour class 17 years ago when her kids finished high school.

The person who painted the sunset picture is 92 years old.

When I said before that age didn't matter?

I meant it.

That is amazing. :O

Hello! Sorry for late posting, not even sure if you'll read it... But I really hope you would.

The first anon to respond pretty much said it all, I'd just like to confirm their words. I've been there, too, and I know how impenetrable this cocoon of fear and doubt can be; even today, when I have overcome the bulk of my inner barriers, when I realized it's actually possible, I still feel uneasy reading or saying 'it gets better, just believe in yourself' - because words are cheap and, however true they may be, you can't cure your anxiety with cheesy motivational phrases alone (I know I didn't). Unfortunately, they are also the only form of support one can provide over a single comment on the Internet, so here's another bunch :)

Again, I know it's hard to trust positive statements in your situation, but... just believe me when I say this: it does get better, improvement is always possible (I'd even say 'imminent'), as well as the highly desired originality. I'm an aspiring writer and artist just like you, and I can hardly count all the times when I felt like I had been 'robbed'. For the longest time I genuinely believed that art (literature) is a room with a countable number of chairs, and to get my place there I have to rush and occupy a certain chair before someone else outstrips me. Every artist, dead or alive, professional or amateur became a horrifying threat, every work resembling my own dear and cherished ideas a personal tragedy. How did I cope? Well, a rather weak-spirited person, I hopelessy wallowed in suffering for an awful lot, and then, in a sudden shift, my art (and a little bit later, writing) improved - absolutely unexpectedly, just like that - and I saw there was no reason for despair after all.

You see, creative life is not a game of musical chairs (or 'king of the hill'): no one is out there to get your insights, your talent, your style - because they're yours. While you're inexperienced and unsure of yourself, it looks like everyone around you has something you don't and you can get jealous, desperate or even angry; but over the time (if only you keep on practicing) you'll discover that the real treasure has been within your very soul and not outside you all along. Art is not about being like others or better than others, it's about being you - the best of you. And at the peak of your development as an artist (which, I assure you, is still ahead) you'll see that it wasn't even necessary to outdo anyone in the first place or be afraid of somebody outdoing you, for - I'll share a secret with you - when you're using your full potential you can't NOT be original, because at this state you're showing the entirety of your soul's (I prefer this word as a Christian, but you could substitute it with a 'personality', 'talent', 'essence', whatever) vision and every soul is unique and, as I firmly believe, has something to say. I bet that when the moment comes, you'll look back at those teens whose perfection upset you so - and laugh at how easily you could give up your ambition and how little it took a 'deviantart artist' to convince you of their 'genius' (and for those pieces you'll keep admiring you're probably going to notice that despite the similarity they don't convey the exact same nuance you have mastered and only you can create).

Becoming an artist is naturally a great challenge and an especially difficult task if you're prone to depression, or have anxious disorder like myself - but it's worth it; in fact, it can turn a wonderful therapeutic technique and help you defeat the creeping doubt itself. If you're sure art (writing) is what you want to do (want, not able - first ask yourself about your desires), then just keep on striving and every single time you hear a voice which says you're worthless, don't let it mix up with your inspiration and tell it to GTFO that instant. I've been ready to give up a hundred times, I still don't consider myself 'officially' talented, but if there's one thing I know for sure after all this struggle, it's 'creating something is better than creating nothing', just like living and sustaining others' happy life is better than denying the opportunity to live. And if there's one way to overcome the feeling of meaninglessness, it's practical disproving it by act - as simple as it is.

That must have been a little clumsy point- and wording-wise (I'm not a native speaker either), but I still hope it helped :)

That is exactly how I was feeling, and it is incredibly reassuring to know others have gone through it and moved past it.

It did help. A lot. Thank you for your words. :)

This post is amazing. Just let you know.

Thank you for submitting the post, as well as the secret. This is a matter that hits the heart to many of us, and I think part of the problem is that lots of us don't really have an answer on how to fix it. There are some incredible replies already, so instead of doing that I'll just type in whatever that comes into my mind. It's pretty disjointed and very, very self centred. Apologies in advance.

Read Art and Fear (http://www.amazon.com/Art-Fear-Observations-Rewards-Artmaking/dp/0961454733). It's not going to solve your problem over you being a dick to yourself, not any more than it's going to solve my problem of me being a dick to myself. But it will push you to a better direction.

I'm pretty conflicted. I can remember being 16 and for the first time I realised that there are so many people so much younger than me and so much better. I got into a slump, and I just felt I didn't deserve to draw because all the 13/14/15 year olds are better anyway. This is possibly the biggest regret of my life, because now at age of 26, I am suckier than most 13/14/15/16/17/18/19/20/21/22/23/24/25 year olds who continued with their art, and some of them weren't better than me ten years ago!

I think, all those comments about "well if they are younger, more technical but don't have soul then they suck" is really harmful. It buys into the same bullshit of there's only so much space for the spot of "worthiness" and the only question is who gets that spot. Beside actually entering art competitions or something, this kind of limitation, and this kind of compliment based on putting down others, don't help anyone in the long run. It just encourages further pulling perceived competitors down rather than elevating ourselves up.

I found fandom!art sphere is one of the weirdest places with feedbacks. The most likely scenario is that you are ignored. When you are not, you either get the extreme of OH WHOA YOU JUST DREW A STICKFIGURE AREN'T YOU AMAZING GUSH GUSH GUSH or anything and everything you do are wrong and you should kill yourself because your hands is a size too small. I don't know which is worse.

I found the culture of Fuckyeahartstudentowl memes horrendous. I find the entire internet culture of learning via mockery and humiliation appalling. Sometimes I think the "u suck anatomy lol" is the crutch of poor critics, only second to the learning via false flattery and the "u marry me u amazing anatomy" critics. It's not going away any time soon.

On the topic of anatomy, coming from a science background, the art world disheartens me. Science has the reputation of being inhumane and impersonal, but it is where the celebration of diversity happens. Appendix can be point up or down, can be as long as something that goes almost to your armpit or below right into the pelvis. Your transverse colon can be a taught line, or it can be loose and hanging all the way down. And it's okay! It doesn't make you invalid or wrong, it's just that you are different to the person left and right of you. In art, you are either 7 head body or you are an abomination who shouldn't exist. I once modelled for a character base, and I got ripped to pieces for being five foot tall. In art, I learned that I am too wrong to be presentable.

My style isn't "trendy". I enjoy my animu stuff, and I get constantly hated over it. Meanwhile I'm praised for the easiest, least challenge, most mind bogglingly sterile, unworthy landscapes because those are apparently "acceptable". Fuck that. I still try to do what actually challenges me and inspire me, I just hardly ever post anything.

The problem with doing things that challenges me and isn't completely sterile though, is that I hate myself when I do it. I love the act of drawing, it puts me in the state of happiness that nothing else I have ever done in my life could compare. This lasts for as long as I see what I have done, then I just want to push myself off a bridge. It's a permanent struggle of the compulsion to draw and the disgust of my inability of doing it to my own standard. My Twitter feed is actively unreadable when I'm drawing, it turns me into a public nuisance.

When I do, sometimes people like them. It's incomprehensible to me. Then I remembered that they don't know what I am aiming for, and they don't know what I hoped to achieve. Maybe pulling an elephant out of a purse is impressive, but it means nothing to me when I was aiming for a house key.

So, tl;dr- it's been fun and I don't know what to do either.

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[ SECRET POST #1988 ]

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ayrt

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