fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2023 ]

[ SECRET POST #2023 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2023 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 066 secrets from Secret Submission Post #289.
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Apologies in advance, this is long and probably somewhat rambling, but I like you guys and I appreciate the opportunity to anonymously throw this situation out there and see if people have something to say.

I’m not sure how to define my feelings for a female friend of mine (I’m female, in my twenties and generally comfortable with my sexuality, just to give some background info). I have pretty close relationships to my friends; I depend on them emotionally and regard them as my main support network, and our friendships generally include a certain level of physical closeness and comfort around each other. For the most part, I regard them as friends and nothing more, but every once in a while I mentally cross that line with some of them. I won’t call it falling in love, although I do love them very much, but my feelings end up somewhere in between friendship and romantic love for a while. I’ve done it before with a friend of mine (still close friends with her and feel a certain attraction, but less than before), and I’m now thinking of another friend in the same way.

I can’t quite figure out if my feelings are beginning to become a bit more romantic in nature, and I can’t figure out if I’m attracted to her physically. I’m curious about what it might be like to take our friendship further. I’m curious about kissing her, and I imagine it sometimes, trying to figure out if it’s something I might want. I draw the line at imagining anything further; I have no issues with using fantasies in general, and no issues with fantasizing about people I’m already attracted to (and either don’t know or don’t have a close friendship with), but I don’t want to “use” her that way. Our friendship is based on mutual trust, emotional intimacy, and being able to confide in one another, and adding a physical element without her knowledge just feels wrong. For that reason, I’ve only theoretically reflected about more than kissing. I don’t know if I want it to happen or not. I’ve tried asking myself if I would want it if I could be absolutely certain that it wouldn’t damage our friendship, and I don’t know. I do know that our friendship is too important to me to risk, and that fantasy and reality can be very different, so I have a feeling that I would be very reluctant to let anything happen. (I know she thinks of me as a very close friend as well, and I have no indication that her feelings go beyond friendship, and I’m perfectly fine with that. If she should turn out to feel something similar to me… I honestly don’t know how that would make me feel, or what I would want. I think I want to figure out what I feel myself, before I even begin to wonder about that angle).

I’m not sure if I’m doing this because I could genuinely fall in love with my friends if I let myself. Or, if I have fallen in love but just can’t think of it as such because I don’t generally feel attracted to women (I’m curious and wouldn’t mind experimenting, but generally I identify as straight), and I’m having a hard time not linking romantic love and sex. Or maybe it’s just that I admire these specific friends very much – both the friend I used to think about this way and the one I think about now have character traits that I respect and greatly appreciate, and maybe that I’m blurring lines between admiration and idolizing and whatnot. It’s not really that I feel conflicted about thinking about her this way, either. I don’t. I feel like I’ve found a balance between allowing myself to have these thoughts instead of denying them, and not letting it cross some indefinable line that would make me feel guilty about it. I know myself well enough to know that denial would just make it worse, and should I actually fall in love I would rather figure it out and deal with it, one way or another. On the other hand, I feel that crossing that indefinable line would be disrespectful to my friend and the friendship we have.

I don’t know if I’ve lost my point somewhere in that ramble, but I am wondering why I feel this way and how to deal with it, and a bit baffled that I’m not really conflicted, just… confused. And I’m curious if anyone else does this, if it sounds familiar to others. So erh, help, FS?

Well...is it bad that my first instinct is just to tell you to relax?

I mean, maybe you have romantic feelings for her. Romantic feelings can exist without sexual feelings (you mentioned you were having trouble separating them) and in that case I think it's basically a friend you care about...more. I had a similar friendship several years ago.

If sexual feelings go along with it, you mentioned feeling like it would be disrespectful to your friend. But if that's the case, what are you going to do about it? Sure, you probably don't want to /nurture/ those feelings, since it will only be more troublesome internally, but it sounds like you don't ever plan to address it with your friend, so in my opinion, all you can do is let it be and let it pass.

But you're not sure, and you're wondering about all of this. And so I know it's hard not to analyze all the hints of your feelings to get them completely sorted, but you might not be able to get it all figured out right now. Can you just enjoy your friendship and expressing your care for her?

As I said, I had a similar friendship to this, that didn't end up being anything definitively romantic or sexual, and a second one a couple years later that did turn into a full-blown crush, which eventually passed and was eventually confided in her - three years later, after a couple of drinks and with a lot of laughter. At the time, I wrote a lot in my journal about my feelings and sorted them out that way - I also didn't feel very conflicted about the whole thing.

My best advice is to let the technicalities go and let be what is. Because in the end, what difference does it really make? And I'd stop worrying about feeling disrespectful or guilty - feelings happen, all different kinds of them. If you do realize yours are more romantic/sexual than friendly, that will become clear. And that will also be fine.

Heh. No, I guess it’s some pretty good advice, really.

I think nurturing those feelings and messing up the friendship is one of the things I'm afraid of, that if she should find out and not reciprocate it would make her feel uncomfortable (and I don’t want to cause her discomfort). Not so much discomfort with me having feelings, but rather fear that it might change things between us when our friendship is already really good and important to both of us. Hm, I don’t know. Maybe I’m more conflicted than I realized, and just need to let myself accept whatever I do feel. Overthinking this probably won’t help me, and yeah… I care about her and enjoy our friendship, and there’s not really any reason why wondering about these feelings should change that. In the end I guess it doesn’t really matter?

Thanks, you’ve given me something to think about.

If I were you, I wouldn't say anything unless I actually would be willing to try to go out with her if she felt the same way... otherwise, what if you confess and then she wants to go out with you and you suddenly can't do it? Awkward.

Oh, and if you do really tell her? I'd recommend you make sure she understands you care about her as a friend too. When I've had friends who later told me they liked me, it made me feel kind of worried that they only hung out with me because they liked me and that they'd ditch me when they found someone else to chase. :/

Sorry if that wasn't very helpful. Good luck to you!

Oh, I’m not going to say anything unless I feel pretty certain that I can cope with what happens after. Whatever that might be. And it was helpful, it’s a good point to keep in mind. Thanks :)

YANA.

I just let it pass, and I think I'm figuring out that I much prefer being friends with her/them, so the confused feelings toned down a lot, if they're still there at all.

Thanks :)

It's ok. You're not alone. It's never stated out loud, but most of my close friendships have been quasi-romantic friendships, at least on my side of the equation (we become very close, we flirt a lot, we cuddle and tickle each other etc.). There's nothing wrong with falling in love with your friends, even if you/they/both of you are already in a relationship. It's actually really nice to have another half of yourself that doesn't have any of the sexual pressure that being in a relationship has (although it can be kind of confusing at first when you question whether or not you do want the closeness to extend into a more sexual nature).

If you really are curious though about having a physical relationship (and you're both single), why not just ask her if she's ever been interested in women. Don't put pressure on it or anything, but just have a frank conversation about sexuality. Then if you've both talked about it and she IS a bit curious, maybe suggest being Kissing Friends for a while, just to try it out?

Thanks, I’m kind of glad to hear that, it’s good to know I’m not the only one. And it’s a very interesting angle, the lack of sexual pressure – I hadn’t considered that at all. It's something interesting to consider.

Actually, we already have frank conversations about sexuality (both in general and personal terms), so although we’ve never talked about it in relation to anything happening between us, I feel like I do know her thoughts and feelings on the subject in general. Which is the reason why I’m pretty sure reciprocation of any feelings beyond friendship is unlikely but not impossible.

I'd say just sit tight and wait. Don't do anything until you're sure that your desire goes beyond just curiosity or hints of romance. It might a) pass, or b) simply not be a big deal — sometimes it's possible to have feelings of romance or sexual attraction towards a person without actually longing for a romantic relationship with them.

Do you feel jealous at the idea of her being romantically involved with someone else? Do your feelings for her linger persistently in your thoughts and cloud your interactions with her? Do you feel unfulfilled or frustrated at the idea of being solely platonic friends? Is keeping your feelings a secret making you unhappy? Are your feelings negatively affecting any romantic interactions with other people you may have had since your feelings for her started? If not, then I'd say just keep your feelings to yourself until you can define them better and be sure you have them, rather than risk such a good friendship.

I guess I’m just figuring out how different degrees of attraction might work for me, that attraction and wanting a romantic relationship can be separated. I mean, I know it rationally, but actually feeling it and figuring out how that separation works for me is something else.

Hm, the answer to all of that is no. Well, I am having a hard time not thinking about it when I’m around her, although not to the degree that I can’t interact with her as usual. Most of all I just love her and really care about her, and want her to be happy. Good questions, though. Thanks.

This happens to me from time to time too. I generally roll with it; it's part of how I enjoy being around people and knowing them, I figure. It's especially part of how I relate to other queer women. Sometimes I just get those sparks of chemistry with someone, and it doesn't need to ~mean anything~ in order for it to feel fulfilling and wonderful. But I've been in a monogamous relationship for the last eight years, so the situation is never going to affect who I am or what I'm doing with my life; I can understand if it's of more significance to you.

My situation is different, yeah, but it's interesting to consider if it's just how I relate to some people. I guess I might just need to learn to roll with it too. Thanks.

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[ SECRET POST #2023 ]

Not sure how to define my feelings for my friend

Re: Not sure how to define my feelings for my friend

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