fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2023 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2023 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 066 secrets from Secret Submission Post #289.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 2 - posted twice ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

You can't and shouldn't force a conversation out of her that she doesn't want to have. And yes, if you were sitting together in person, she indeed could get up and leave.

I don't know what her reticence means. You don't know what it means. But you need to decide for yourself if you can handle not knowing her particular views on this particular issue. But if I were you, I'd stop pestering her before she makes it a moot point and ends things herself (unless that's what you're hoping for so you don't have to be the one to make think about/make the cut anymore...)

Also, what happens if she does hold views you disagree with? Would you then keep pushing her to accept your worldview over her own? Would you use it as a convenient excuse to drop her friendship? Really, all you can do is either accept your friend as she is, or don't.

same anon

I hope I haven't been pestering her... things come up in conversation and I express how I feel, I'd like to think I don't come across aggressively.

Of course, I would never push my worldview on her. I just want to know she's open to sharing, I have no interest in abandoning someone because we disagree. I don't know though, because we haven't talked about it.

But what if she's not open to sharing? What if she feels like her views are her views and nobody's business but her own? Some people are only comfortable talking about particular subjects, and that's not an indictment on the person they're talking with nor is it a shortcoming of their own.

Upthread, you said:
Deep down I know that confronting her head on is what I'm going to have to do. I think the bond we've developed so far deserves that much.

And I'm going to be really blunt here and say that reads like a load of bullshit. The "bond [you've] developed" if it's so great, it deserves your respect, not rounds of "but why don't we talk about all these issues you clearly don't want to talk about!"

same anon

You know, I didn't think of it that way. I know I can't force her to have convos she doesn't want to have. I do want to reiterate that.

But surely, simply abandoning conversations without warning is unnecessary, right? I think that's what gets me the most. I feel like I would have to bring up the nature of the conversations she avoided in order to tell her how I feel about her doing it.

But surely, simply abandoning conversations without warning is unnecessary, right?

Maybe it's unnecessary to you, but clearly it's not to her. For her, that's her way of saying "I don't want to talk about these issues." And it makes sense, really. I mean, if she says "I don't want to talk about XYZ," is your response going to be "okay, let's move on," or will it be "but why? You know we can. We really can, it's okay!"

And that doesn't end the discussion of topics she doesn't want to talk about -- it prolongs them. And if you're not comfortable letting go of of the matter, then maybe the best thing to do IS end the relationship.

But I think maybe the best thing to do, if you don't want to just accept that those threads of conversation just stopped with your last email about them, is to send a message that's something like this:

"I've noticed you haven't responded to my emails about [this topic -- in two or three words, no need to restate the entire conversation]. If you don't want to talk about it, that's fine [if it is], but I wish you'd let me know, so I can stop writing about things that get no response. Also, I wanted to let you know that, we're friends, and we don't have to agree on everything. So, if that's the only reason you haven't been responding to those parts of the email, don't worry. It's okay to have different opinions [if it is]. Hope to hear from you soon."

Or something.

same anon
I mean, if she says "I don't want to talk about XYZ," is your response going to be "okay, let's move on," or will it be "but why? You know we can. We really can, it's okay!"

Oh no, of course not. So far I haven't addressed it all, and that's why I asked for advice. Every time she's cut off a convo (and it's only been a few really obvious times, really), I've let it go. I think what I really want to address is how I feel when she basically just cuts me off.

Your approach is more or less going to be how I go about the whole thing.

[ SECRET POST #2023 ]

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