[ SECRET POST #2028 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2028 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 05 pages, 107 secrets from Secret Submission Post #290.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 2 3 - posted twice ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[elenauial]

As a single mother who has struggled with depression and suicidality, it has NOTHING to do with you. Please, please, please don't blame yourself, and if at all possible, find someone whom you can talk to about this, a professional if you can. Don't let this control your life, because that was not your fault.

For one thing, parenting is hard work. Especially a baby. I don't know your mother's situation, but as someone who got into it by herself, unplanned, it's a lot to deal with. You're sleep deprived, trying to care for another human being who can't communicate their needs, and it sounds like she was already dealing with some issues, being an alcoholic, not to mention if she had post-partum depression or anything... (Again. Being a baby and needing care is NOT something you could have helped and that feeling of overwhelm she might have felt would NOT be your fault)

And also, depression isn't about other people, it's about feeling inadequate and unworthy in yourself. Having had moments of suicidal thoughts since becoming a parent, it's never been because I don't love my son or because he did something wrong, it's because I've felt overwhelmed, incapable and that he would be better off without me, better left to be raised by someone who could do a better job. Ultimately, what changes my mind, is the fear that he would be left like this some day, never knowing the reason, always blaming himself and wondering what he did wrong.

I'm really, really sorry this happened to you. But your mother was most likely feeling alone, overwhelmed and helpless and you did nothing wrong and there was nothing you could do to change that. I really hope you are able to make peace with this some day and find it in your heart to love yourself. Because I'm sure she did.