fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2079 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2079 ⌋

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I feel like a jerk even asking these kinds of questions anonymously, but I could use some advice from those with similar situations or experiences. For several months now I've been dating someone very kind and loving, with whom I share several but not too many interests, who happens to be low-functioning autistic. He lives with a wonderful, loving family and works on computer projects from home, he's doing just fine for himself. I don't want to Other him or others on the spectrum in airing my issues, but it's a part of who he is and how he relates to the world and I have trouble figuring out how to handle that often. When talking to him I often feel like I'm dealing with a young child; he'll deliberately ignore the points someone is making just so he can make a pun about their wording and feel accomplished about it (for example, let's say you said "I can't find my inspiration anymore" and he replied "well did you check under the carpet" followed by a little "teehee sorry" kind of apology to say that he knew it was a rude thing to say when someone's being serious but he really wanted to so that's why he did). It's not in his nature to take things seriously, he's always being overly silly and that's mostly harmless and I wouldn't begrudge him that at all, but it also makes me feel really dismissed and foolish whenever I have things that're serious or important to me and he doesn't understand why I can't just pretend it's not a big deal or something. I guess the short of it is, I don't always feel like I can relate to him as a fellow adult, and because of that I don't know how well I can get what I need emotionally from a relationship.

I may be overdramatizing the situation, there are a lot of things I'm uncertain about with me and relationships and what I want, but for the moment this is a pretty big hurdle for me and I don't know who I can really turn to for advice. Can anyone share their advice or experiences dealing with these kinds of situations? I do apologize if I'm being rude or offensive in my descriptions here, I'm definitely open to suggestion for ways I could improve my behavior or my perspective on these things so feel free to let me know if I'm stepping out of line.

There's more to a relationship than just having a nice partner. If being with him does not meet your needs, emotionally and intellectually, then perhaps you two would be better off as friends?

What the above anon said and this:

I don't know very much about people diagnosed as autistic, but what he does (making puns in serious conversations, not taking things seriously) sound like coping mechanisms to avoid stressful situations. A lot of people who are not considered to be on the autism spectrum do the same exact thing.

Your issue is he does it all the time. If he is an individual who is prone to internalizing stress, he maybe avoiding serious subjects or lightening the mood to relieve himself of as many stressors as possible. I don't know if this is the case, but it may be a possibility.

Have you talked to him about this or have you just implied it?

One of my friends is on the spectrum and we have an agreement about, "If anything confuses one of us, ask. If anything makes one of us feel bad. Tell and explain."

But even if he wasn't on the spectrum I find the previously stated mentality helpful in all relationships.

I think it's definitely an anti-stress mechanism sometimes like you said, and it probably is unintentional sometimes too. We've talked about communication problems here and there but this kind of thing is the hardest for me to even bring up because like...it comes up when he does it, and then I'll feel all stung and hurt so I wanna hold off talking about it until I'm calmer, or else it won't be a constructive discussion, it'll just be passive-aggressive lashing out and that's just making things worse. I'll have to make it a point to keep examples in mind so I can take him aside during cooler times and try to ask him about it with more specificity. I have some doubts about the relationship, but I do want to keep trying and see if it'll work. I appreciate the advice!

It seems to me you need to have this discussion before coming to any conclusion because you don't know how he would react to you actually telling him these things.

I understand you wanting to come at it with a clear head. What if you collected a few examples beforehand and then meet up with him at some point to specifically discuss it? Schedule a time and place to talk about it.

How he reacts to your concerns should help you decide if you should stay together to become friends instead.

[ SECRET POST #2079 ]

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