fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2084 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2084 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 04 pages, 094 secrets from Secret Submission Post #298.
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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I'm terribly sorry, guys, that I didn't answer any of the comments, I simply got too stressed out to read them while the discussion was still alive. Looks like it was a silly idea to share anyway: what's the use of sharing if I don't have the guts to respond, huh?

Truth be told, it was my first post in the GC section ever, and I submitted it out of sheer desperation in a particularly lonely moment when I didn't have anyone else to turn to. It was pretty short-sighted of me to do this knowing I'd be unlikely to beat my anxiety and read the comments. :(

Anyway, thank you, everyone who stopped to support me and give an advice, I really appreciate that. If there's still anyone kind enough to revive the discussion, I, uh... I guess I'll elaborate a little, and this time will try to reply to the comments.

Uhm... I don't really know what to write, it'll take me too long. To put it brief, I'm in a very, very bad place right now. Last time I wrote this relationship brought the best in me and made me a new, more healthy and happy person, but I'm afraid I lied here a little. I did change for the better, but I also discovered some nasty shit inside me. I've been speculating on this whole story during the last three days and I finally found out what's wrong. This love (my own love and his love for me) became my reason to exist and to respect myself. I didn't tell you that, but naturally I hate myself, I have horrid self-esteem issues - and this romantic feeling turned to be the only ground on which I managed to base my self-confidence at last. "I'm capable of love, therefore I worth something" - was my subconscious belief. Now that I don't have it (because the unrequited love I'm holding on to seems pathetic to me and I'm blaming myself for it mercilessly) I'm sort of out of 'good qualities'.

This is ridiculous for I'm an ace student (okay, would be if not for the procrastination caused by the same issues), I know a lot, am said to have mad writing skills (in my mother tongue, I mean), draw pretty well and an all around decent person, apparently. Except I don't believe all this. Ever since my teenage years my self-respect has been going down deeper and deeper, until I got convinced I'm nothing but worthless scum. My utter social awkwardness and subsequent lack of friends didn't help. Needless to say, I hadn't been involved in anything remotely romantic until that unfortunate crush. When I confessed to him and he confessed to me I felt like my entire world turned upside down, in a good way, that from that point on everything would be different... That I'm a human being now. But without the guy, the right to love him (for it's not only someone else's love but mostly my own from which I draw encouragement; maybe this is somehow neurotic, too) I can't sustain a normal life anymore, not after I've experienced this euphoria of *sensefullness*, if you know what I mean.

I'm aware it's all bad and sick, but... I don't even know. I'm stuck, but, as I said before, I consciously refuse to move on if moving on means I'll have to abandon this residual tenderness abruptly and for good. Right now it'd be like throwing out that me which was happy, able of wonderful things, creative, strong etc. etc., the person I became almost exclusively thanks to love (or not? Maybe I should work on separating those too notions... I have no idea, I'm lost).

So... here's that.

PS To the anon who advised to stop seeing the ex: I try to keep the amount of communication in reasonable bounders, in order to keep myself from being 'triggered' (if the word applies here) but, as peculiar as it might seem, we've reached a rather pleasant and comfortable level of post-break-up closeness, built a surprisingly safe friendzone, so I would personally prefer to keep it as it is.

*has been going lower and lower

Heck, I can't even phrase my thoughts properly =__=

okay now, here's the problem. And you've effectively already said this, but...

Your thing with this guy didn't "fix" your problem. It masked it. You ahd this layer of happy that comes with a relationship covering this bad stuff you had inside you. But it didn't get rid of that bad stuff. Like a blanket over you, it was still there, just below the surface, and even shaping because when you cover something, that cover will twist a bit.

Continuing this metaphor, when the blanket came off, you were now painfully aware of what was underneath.

Time will heal the wound of the breakup itself, but I think you need more help then that. As for moving on... I'm not sure your really happy where you are right now. You might think your in a better place then you were before this started, and that might be true, but remember: Change isn't always for the worst. And I don't think your at your height yet.

I hope you are okay anon. I'd try to do this sooner rather then later, if your depression is affecting other aspects of your life.

Thank you. The main problem is that I don't know where to turn to for 'more help'. During the period between the break-up and the present day there was several instances when I became unusually active and open for everything new, met a lot of people, had fun etc. and it did help. But I seem to have grown exhausted of this, as if dissatisfied with what I managed to achieve and drained of inner resources I spent on searching for support.

This might be some kind of a pendulum mechanism, where I constantly swing from rapture to total despair and back. But I honestly thought it has found its equilibrium weeks ago... Now it seemingly froze on the despair side.

Depends on where you are. You mentioned academics, so are you in college right now? I'm sure there's a mental health facility on your campus if this is so.

Also bear in mind: the first person you come to might not gel right with you (thought hopefully it does work that easily). Most places have more then one person. You might have to try more then once before you give up. In the same vein... you've had some highs and lows since this happened. Mental Help will hopefully bring you up, but this kinda feeling will come back more then once before it goes away.

Hope it works out for you!

You see, medical help isn't fabolously effective in my country, but I'm already seeing a therapist. Therapy is one of the few things that really keep me going, but it's not enough...

True, that's why I began working on my socialization. Too bad the awkwardness makes the task so painfully difficult >_< Not to say it's fruitless, though: to my own surprise, I made friends with at least two people which is a good score for me. In fact, I was going to hang out with one of them tonight (has been really looking forward to it: it'd be our first meetup in months) but a sudden cold ruined my plans. No wonder I'm so devastated right now :(

Thank you for your kind words once again, I'm feeling much better now.

Glad I could help, if only a little bit. Take care! Time does tend to make these things better. I'm sure you've heard that, but sadly hearing it doesn't work, you need the time in.

Just don't be afraid to change. Or more specifically, to improve.

[ SECRET POST #2084 ]

The heartbroken anon from a few days ago

Correction

Re: The heartbroken anon from a few days ago

Re: The heartbroken anon from a few days ago

Re: The heartbroken anon from a few days ago

Re: The heartbroken anon from a few days ago

Re: The heartbroken anon from a few days ago