[ SECRET POST #2085 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2085 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 04 pages, 077 secrets from Secret Submission Post #298.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[stainless]

Anon, others have said you're better off without him, so let me just add this. I don't know if it will help, but I hope so.

None of us can control or change anyone. We can only decide what we do or don't want to live with. When we watch how a person acts, we get a picture. It's got good things and bad things in it. Often, we LOVE the good things, and that makes us not want to "dwell on" the bad things.

But the thing is, in order to decide what's best for us, we have to evaluate the person based on everything we know. Not hope we can change them or that they'll change for us, but decide what we can and cannot live with. Can you live with this guy?

When I focused less on "being nice" and "friendly" to everyone, I found that I lost touch with some people. But now I can say that the people in my life who get the majority of my attention, whether they're partners or friends, have the following.

They're smart -- not necessarily geniuses, but the kind of people I can talk about things thoughtfully with and be intellectually stimulated by talking to.

They're kind -- not necessarily nice to everyone all the time, but people who I know care about me, others, and themselves.

They have integrity -- not necessarily George Washington, but I've seen them "do the right thing" in difficult situations, whether small or big, and I admire them for behaving honorably.

They're people I admire and can look up to -- not because they're Great Heroes, but for the reasons listed.

The thing about these people I've just made sound SO GREAT?

They're not perfect, actually.

At least one person I consider a true friend struggles with major depression. At least one has disabilities that make communication difficult, sometimes even overwhelming. At least one has abuse in their past and still deals with the fallout. At least one deals with serious body image issues.

All those things make their lives difficult sometimes. Heck, all those things sometimes make ME frustrated when shit's going down and I want to shake the person and make them not act so damn _________!!

But I care for all of them deeply because the stuff that makes them frustrating is outweighed by the traits I value and admire in them. And my life is infinitely happier because I know that there are people around me who are awesome -- by MY standards and MY lights. People who can sometimes, yes, be drains on me, but aren't constant drains -- because I respect them.

It sounds to me like maybe you are caught in a spiral where you either feel tethered to this guy out of pity or out of mutual neediness or out of feeling embarrassed that you once were so into him.

Thing is? Compassion is awesome, and I hope I have it for all my imperfect friends/partners/whatevers. And for myself, too. I'm not perfect either! But pity (for yourself or others)?

Is a four-letter word.

[(Anonymous)]

"At least one person I consider a true friend struggles with major depression. At least one has disabilities that make communication difficult, sometimes even overwhelming. At least one has abuse in their past and still deals with the fallout. At least one deals with serious body image issues."

Not that any human being is ever entirely perfect, but how would any of these things bar a person from being so? None of these things are personal faults.

[stainless]

What's your objection, exactly? I was trying to say that people who have wonderful character are not people who have no problems in their lives or self-doubt.

[(Anonymous)]

DA

I think it's more the wording - by saying "they're not perfect" and following it up with "one's disabled", it sounds like that's what makes them flawed. As opposed to personality traits or how they act.

[stainless]

Well, as a person with a disability myself, I thought I was focusing on the communication /functional issues, which affect both the people and those who care about them. Not saying the disability makes them bad or something. I think it's easy to get stuck thinking that good people are some kind if mythical creature that never has difficulties or struggles, and that's not true.

[(Anonymous)]

Hell yeah. This post is legit as hell, and also rad and right on. And I agree with all of it and second all of it. Yeah.

[stainless]

Thank you <3