[ SECRET POST #2085 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2085 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.


__________________________________________________



02.


__________________________________________________



03.


__________________________________________________



04.


__________________________________________________



05.


__________________________________________________



06.


__________________________________________________



07.


__________________________________________________



08.


__________________________________________________



09.


__________________________________________________



10.


__________________________________________________



11.


__________________________________________________



12.


__________________________________________________



13.


__________________________________________________



14.


__________________________________________________



15.


__________________________________________________



16.


__________________________________________________








Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 04 pages, 077 secrets from Secret Submission Post #298.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[fscom]

15. http://i50.tinypic.com/2m68k84.png

[(Anonymous)]

Sometimes I think people purposely put secrets in a horrible color and font on a horrible unreadable background on purpose.

[(Anonymous)]

I said purpose twice. :( That is how angry this secret's readability made me.

TRANSCRIPT

[anonymouslyyours]

I met a guy through fandom. We started talking, found out we shared a lot of interests, and became friends. Eventually, he asked me out. I was estatic.
i suffer from depression, and I also have issues with low self-esteem.
My boyfriend also sufferes from depression, but his condition has improved since we began dating and his therapist says I'm good for him.
For the first few months of our relationship we didn't have any problems.

However, I eventually realized that depression wasn't his only problem. He's, for lack of a better word, an attention seeker. he's very different around his online friends, makes posts on tumblr that just beg for likes, lets others know about important things in his life before he tells me, etc. I've told him how insecure and worthless his behavior makes me feel, and have had bouts of depression over this, but he just says that it's "my depression talking" or something similar. He denies he has a problem.
I don't think he realizes how much it's hurting me and how easily I could leave him. I just wish he would listen to me. I do love him, but I'm unhappy being with the man who is the star of the show, while I'm just a guest appearance, at most.

Re: TRANSCRIPT

[(Anonymous)]

Thank you for the transcript. That one seemed impossible.

To OP: Sounds like he's not going to change, so you have to decide if this is a deal breaker or something you can live with long term.

Re: TRANSCRIPT

[(Anonymous)]

makes posts on tumblr that just beg for likes

This is hilarious. I guess he is too cool for Facebook, we are talking about one cool dude here.

Re: TRANSCRIPT

[insanenoodlyguy]

You taking over for Agentc then?

Re: TRANSCRIPT

[velvet_mace]

I'll say it again. You are a godsend. There is no way I could read this.

Re: TRANSCRIPT

[nynaeve_sedai]

Bless you with the blessings of F!S.

[(Anonymous)]

DTMFA

[yeranonnyharry]

Don't take my fried apples?
Dotty told me French anagrams?
Do they mean fucking anything?
Dingos taste mighty fine, Alice?

[anonymouslyyours]

I'm not actually focused on his "attention seeking" behavior so much as the fact that he seems to dismiss your feelings and needs. That is not on.

You're probably going to just have to have a conversation and tell him how much his behavior is affecting you and make it clear that you don't appreciate it when he dismisses your feelings as just being depression.

[elaminator]

Yea, and if he still doesn't change his stance then I think it's best if OP reevaluates her relationship with him; is it really worth it?

[(Anonymous)]

The gaslighting is a huge red flag. Run, OP. :(

[(Anonymous)]

God this.

OP you are not responsible for anyone's mental health but your own. If he's making you worse, then you need to think of you.

[silverr]

Above anon post seconded.

Do not allow anyone to treat you as a doormat or a step-stool.

[logicbutton]

Yep, this exactly.

And OP, if you decide to break up with him, and he tells you that your reasons for doing so are faulty or somehow not good enough, remember: that's just more gaslighting. The only thing that matters in that situation is that you want to break up.

[(Anonymous)]

your boyfriend emotionally hurts you, doesn't consider your feelings or understand what you are telling him about yourself, you say you can 'easily leave him'...but you haven't? you may need to honestly answer yourself why you are still with him

[cloud_riven]

Ew. although he sounds sad, and I'd feel sorry for him, he also sounds dismissive as fuck. Hoping you "easily" leave him as you say you can if he doesn't get a clue.

[stainless]

Anon, others have said you're better off without him, so let me just add this. I don't know if it will help, but I hope so.

None of us can control or change anyone. We can only decide what we do or don't want to live with. When we watch how a person acts, we get a picture. It's got good things and bad things in it. Often, we LOVE the good things, and that makes us not want to "dwell on" the bad things.

But the thing is, in order to decide what's best for us, we have to evaluate the person based on everything we know. Not hope we can change them or that they'll change for us, but decide what we can and cannot live with. Can you live with this guy?

When I focused less on "being nice" and "friendly" to everyone, I found that I lost touch with some people. But now I can say that the people in my life who get the majority of my attention, whether they're partners or friends, have the following.

They're smart -- not necessarily geniuses, but the kind of people I can talk about things thoughtfully with and be intellectually stimulated by talking to.

They're kind -- not necessarily nice to everyone all the time, but people who I know care about me, others, and themselves.

They have integrity -- not necessarily George Washington, but I've seen them "do the right thing" in difficult situations, whether small or big, and I admire them for behaving honorably.

They're people I admire and can look up to -- not because they're Great Heroes, but for the reasons listed.

The thing about these people I've just made sound SO GREAT?

They're not perfect, actually.

At least one person I consider a true friend struggles with major depression. At least one has disabilities that make communication difficult, sometimes even overwhelming. At least one has abuse in their past and still deals with the fallout. At least one deals with serious body image issues.

All those things make their lives difficult sometimes. Heck, all those things sometimes make ME frustrated when shit's going down and I want to shake the person and make them not act so damn _________!!

But I care for all of them deeply because the stuff that makes them frustrating is outweighed by the traits I value and admire in them. And my life is infinitely happier because I know that there are people around me who are awesome -- by MY standards and MY lights. People who can sometimes, yes, be drains on me, but aren't constant drains -- because I respect them.

It sounds to me like maybe you are caught in a spiral where you either feel tethered to this guy out of pity or out of mutual neediness or out of feeling embarrassed that you once were so into him.

Thing is? Compassion is awesome, and I hope I have it for all my imperfect friends/partners/whatevers. And for myself, too. I'm not perfect either! But pity (for yourself or others)?

Is a four-letter word.

[velvet_mace]

I'm not sure what you want out of him. Do you want him not to have online friends? Or to enjoy having the attention of people other than you? Do you not want him to spend so much time on his own without you? Is the time he spends with you make you feel like he's just not that into you?

Here's the thing: In all relationships there has to be a balance. There has to be you and your S.O. and you need to spend time together and build a life together based on mutual respect and interest and love. But you also need time apart. You need to be able to have interests that he isn't part of and he needs to do the same. You need to have friends that aren't mutual. And the last part is that you each also need time alone with your own thoughts (but that doesn't seem a problem here).

If him having friends and interests and conversations that don't include you is enough to make you feel threatened, than this relationship won't work and there is nothing that he can do about it. That's you being unreasonable. If, on the other hand, the time he spends with you makes you feel like he's using you as a mirror for his own ego, then that is something he can work on to improve. You have to tell him that he needs to take an interest in something other than your fawning and make you feel special. This isn't to say he will do that, but at least it will give him a chance to try.

[rbhudson]

Try again, this time a little more legible, dumbass

[nynaeve_sedai]

I live with major depression. I also take responsibility for my actions. I'm married with a child and while yes, it sucks to be stuck with things like persistent suicidal ideation and the urge to self-harm, I have gone through years of major therapy to learn to cope and to even *live* rather than merely survive.

When I'm snarky to my husband because I'm having a bad day, I apologize. If I find myself getting overly persnickety with my son, I put in a movie or send him off to a friend's house, or get the whole family out so that the pressure isn't on me. I make choices based on being self-aware.

In other words, your bf shouldn't be invalidating your feelings. You don't exist to make him better or happier or whatever. That's not your job. It's his job to pursue the means by which to become healthy and/or cope in a healthy way. You can support him in that, but you too need to make sure you're taking care of yourself.

I think I'm rambling. I just think it's not a healthy relationship and that depression isn't an excuse for people to treat other people like crap.

[(Anonymous)]

What the fuck, I'm so confused.

He acts different around his friends. Um, this is bad? He makes tumblr posts that beds for likes. Okay, this is annoying for sure; but how does it hurt you? He lets others know about important things in his life before you. Uh, I didn't realize this was a bad thing either.

WHAT THE FUCK? Why are people in this thread acting like this guy is beating the OP like a football player? Am I missing something?

I act different around my friends than I do my boyfriend, and I sometimes tell others important things in my life before him. Am I an neglectful, awful girlfriend too?

For record, I have major depressive disorder too, and I am still confused as all fuck. This thread is like the goddamn Twilight Zone.

[(Anonymous)]

Why is everyone on this thread acting like this guy is potentially abusive when it could just as easily be an incredibly insecure woman getting upset because her boyfriend dares to have a life outside of her?

Maybe he denies he has a problem because he actually doesn't have one. Maybe he says that it's her depression talking because it's truly her depression talking. It's not a good way for him to say it at all, and he should learn how to communicate his perspective in a more sensitive way, but it's not necessarily an invalid perspective and he's not necessarily completely dismissive of her feelings.

(Keep in mind that I feel that way partially because, before he understood how detrimental it was, my husband would sometimes say the same thing. Thing is, he was absolutely 100% correct about what was going on in my head when he said it, but as anyone with depression or anxiety knows, it's not at all helpful to point that out. In fact, it can make one spiral further downward. Now that he understands this, he never says it; instead, he just listens and then waits until I'm in a better mental place to fully discuss the disagreement or issue.)