Case (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
case) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandomsecrets2012-09-20 07:02 pm
case) wrote in fandomsecrets2012-09-20 07:02 pm
[ SECRET POST #2088 ]
⌈ Secret Post #2088 ⌋
Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.
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Notes:
Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 021 secrets from Secret Submission Post #298.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.
OP
(Anonymous) 2012-09-21 05:42 am (UTC)(link)Oh God, this is something I understand so much. I'm always, always looking for something to fight against. As the song goes, "I'd rather go to hell than be in purgatory." When I had a year of safety, security, and comfort it was... bizarre. It was novel, but it wasn't long before I was thinking of ways to get out, what to go back to.
I'm sorry to hear about your home. But I definitely get what you mean about being unaffected... I can't remember the number of times I was without food, water, power, electricity and it was just... normal. Something to survive. I remember one winter, no heat, no water, bathing in my room with a bowl of water heated on the stove.
>It's hard to feel connected to people who have world-is-ending reactions over things that wouldn't bother you.
This is why undergrad was so hard for me. Kids out in the world for the first time, and it really bugged the fuck out of me listening to them bitch.
>I don't feel right letting anyone who could walk away and have a normal life take a job that I could do without sacrificing anything.
Yeah, that's exactly it. It's like... I'm already equipped with all of this stuff, I ought to use it so other people won't have to.
Thank you for taking the time to talk to me. I hope that you find your direction.
Re: OP
This thread. Seeing that I really am not the only one like this has been incredibly helpful. I'm a little overwhelmed and not at my most coherent so I have no idea how much sense I'm making.
"and it really bugged the fuck out of me listening to them bitch." I oscillate between feeling amazed and thankful that there are people out there who are privileged enough to take those things for granted and incredibly hurt and angry that people can exist in this world and just not care about the atrocities going on around them. Part of me wants to protect that, even in its ugliest form because it seems so amazing to me. Hard, ugly things sometimes have to be done and if I'm already at a point where I can handle it why not let that be a positive thing for someone else?
OP
(Anonymous) 2012-09-21 06:19 am (UTC)(link)That's a pretty good coping technique, I've gotta say. A lot of the time when I find myself shutting down or disengaging when I didn't want to deal or didn't have the tools to deal with the situation. I mean, I help when I'm needed, I respond if I have to, but I just... go away until what I'm used to and comfortable with crops up.
>Part of me wants to protect that, even in its ugliest form because it seems so amazing to me
I'm at this point now. A few years ago, I didn't have the perspective to realize that, in it's own way, that kind of shelter is precious. I would never, ever, want anybody to have to experience the shit I have unless they already have.
That hard ugly shit that I'm used to is my own kind of shelter. When I can't deal with comfort and safety, I tend to shut myself away from it. I guess it's complementary.
Re: OP
"That hard ugly shit that I'm used to is my own kind of shelter."
Very much this. It feels like an armor that reminds me of how strong I am. All the things that other people pity me for when they find out about just feel like ammunition for me. I just look at them and know that if something happened I already know I could survive.
Re: OP
(Anonymous) 2012-09-21 06:41 am (UTC)(link)Thanks for replying. I think there are probably so many people who feel like this too, but it's not something that's really talked about a lot.
I hope we both find something fulfilling to do with ourselves now.