[ SECRET POST #2088 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2088 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 021 secrets from Secret Submission Post #298.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Re: Help please? I don't even know what to call this.

[(Anonymous)]

I could have written this pretty much word for word. Even considered the military myself, but couldn't commit to it because it would be too hard for me to follow orders without knowing all the particulars.

I actually didn't realise how unaffected I am by really horrible things until recently, when I met with some more bad luck and lost the place I was living and everything I own. I don't think shrugging it off is an appropriate response? I've just never had a sense of safety and permanence living there anyway. Like I expected sooner or later something like that would happen.

I'm pretty directionless right now, and I think it's worse when I'm not struggling, if that makes any sense? When I had nothing, I knew what I had to do to get back on my feet, but now that I'm here, I have nothing to focus on. Tedium doesn't really suit me.

I don't know what to tell you about how to make it easier. I think after you've been through some things, your emotional scale resets itself. It's hard to feel connected to people who have world-is-ending reactions over things that wouldn't bother you. I don't think it's melodramatic to feel genuinely changed by your experiences.

I understand where you're coming from about feeling like you have a responsibility to take on the worst of what the world has to offer. I think that's how many people start off in extremely difficult careers. I don't know if that's healthy, but I know I don't feel right doing something easy. I don't feel right letting anyone who could walk away and have a normal life take a job that I could do without sacrificing anything.

If you figure out a better way of handling it, let me know. At least I haven't donned a cape and mask and started hunting criminals for fun. That makes me feel slightly less like I should be locked up.

OP

[(Anonymous)]

>and I think it's worse when I'm not struggling, if that makes any sense? When I had nothing, I knew what I had to do to get back on my feet, but now that I'm here, I have nothing to focus on. Tedium doesn't really suit me.

Oh God, this is something I understand so much. I'm always, always looking for something to fight against. As the song goes, "I'd rather go to hell than be in purgatory." When I had a year of safety, security, and comfort it was... bizarre. It was novel, but it wasn't long before I was thinking of ways to get out, what to go back to.

I'm sorry to hear about your home. But I definitely get what you mean about being unaffected... I can't remember the number of times I was without food, water, power, electricity and it was just... normal. Something to survive. I remember one winter, no heat, no water, bathing in my room with a bowl of water heated on the stove.

>It's hard to feel connected to people who have world-is-ending reactions over things that wouldn't bother you.

This is why undergrad was so hard for me. Kids out in the world for the first time, and it really bugged the fuck out of me listening to them bitch.

>I don't feel right letting anyone who could walk away and have a normal life take a job that I could do without sacrificing anything.

Yeah, that's exactly it. It's like... I'm already equipped with all of this stuff, I ought to use it so other people won't have to.

Thank you for taking the time to talk to me. I hope that you find your direction.

Re: OP

[anonymouslyyours]

I spent quite a bit of time this week fixating on my abnormal reactions to an emotional situation I was in and forcing myself to "role-play" someone with the appropriate response.

This thread. Seeing that I really am not the only one like this has been incredibly helpful. I'm a little overwhelmed and not at my most coherent so I have no idea how much sense I'm making.

"and it really bugged the fuck out of me listening to them bitch." I oscillate between feeling amazed and thankful that there are people out there who are privileged enough to take those things for granted and incredibly hurt and angry that people can exist in this world and just not care about the atrocities going on around them. Part of me wants to protect that, even in its ugliest form because it seems so amazing to me. Hard, ugly things sometimes have to be done and if I'm already at a point where I can handle it why not let that be a positive thing for someone else?

OP

[(Anonymous)]

>I spent quite a bit of time this week fixating on my abnormal reactions to an emotional situation I was in and forcing myself to "role-play" someone with the appropriate response.

That's a pretty good coping technique, I've gotta say. A lot of the time when I find myself shutting down or disengaging when I didn't want to deal or didn't have the tools to deal with the situation. I mean, I help when I'm needed, I respond if I have to, but I just... go away until what I'm used to and comfortable with crops up.

>Part of me wants to protect that, even in its ugliest form because it seems so amazing to me

I'm at this point now. A few years ago, I didn't have the perspective to realize that, in it's own way, that kind of shelter is precious. I would never, ever, want anybody to have to experience the shit I have unless they already have.

That hard ugly shit that I'm used to is my own kind of shelter. When I can't deal with comfort and safety, I tend to shut myself away from it. I guess it's complementary.

Re: OP

[anonymouslyyours]

I don't know if you have siblings? But when I was going through the hardest years I tore myself apart trying to protect mine from the worst of it and apparently I did such a good job at it that they don't really have an idea of what I went through and they can be pretty ungrateful at times so maybe it was easier for me to see what a special thing that kind of ignorance can be. As hurtful as it can be I would never want them to have any understanding of what they escaped.

"That hard ugly shit that I'm used to is my own kind of shelter."
Very much this. It feels like an armor that reminds me of how strong I am. All the things that other people pity me for when they find out about just feel like ammunition for me. I just look at them and know that if something happened I already know I could survive.

Re: OP

[(Anonymous)]

It was nice to talk about it without making people feel uncomfortable.
Thanks for replying. I think there are probably so many people who feel like this too, but it's not something that's really talked about a lot.
I hope we both find something fulfilling to do with ourselves now.

Re: Help please? I don't even know what to call this.

[anonymouslyyours]

"safety and permanence" Just the thought of it makes my skin crawl because it's something else that can be taken away and if I let myself get used to it I'd lose the only advantage I have and I remember how long and how hard it was to get to where I am now that I cannot imagine having to start all over again.

"I think it's worse when I'm not struggling" Makes complete sense to me. It feels like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop and trying to prepare for it. When something awful does happen it's a relief because I can identify what I need to be doing to fix the problem.

Re: Help please? I don't even know what to call this.

[(Anonymous)]

Yes. Yes to all of this.
I have such a hard time switching off when I'm in situations where I should be comfortable and happy. I try not to get attached, but if I do, it's too late to do anything about it. Then I have to sort of grit my teeth and wait for the inevitable fuckery to start. I would like to think it's paranoia, but it can't be. I get pep talks about my negativity, but I don't want to be optimistic when it never works out well in the end. I'd rather be prepared.

Whenever there's an atmosphere of excitement or happiness, I'm all "nope. NOPE." which is why my friends start calling me Scrooge around the holiday season.

I kind of enjoy being able to keep my thoughts straight when everything goes to hell. If I can't be all that fun to be around, at least I can be useful in a crisis.

Re: Help please? I don't even know what to call this.

[anonymouslyyours]

Relationships are easier for me when things are going wrong because I'm given more opportunity to "prove" my worth.

I personally think I'm a very positive person. I make a concerted effort to enjoy small moments instead of fixating on what I don't have but people around me say that it's "depressing" and "sad". When my friends are sharing childhood stories and I contribute with one or two of my own that aren't happy by other people's standards they will express pity and it infuriates me. I don't have many happy memories why do they feel the need to take away the ones I do have and make it clear how sucky things were for me?

And I don't see what's so inherently wrong with keeping low or no expectations. If something great happens then fabulous but if it doesn't work out or something bad happens then I wasn't invested and no big loss.

Re: Help please? I don't even know what to call this.

[(Anonymous)]

Oh god. The pity thing. I can't share anything about my childhood either without people giving me this D: face. Sometimes I want to talk about my family and friends from back then just to contribute something, and because I like talking about them now. People's reactions when they realise the people I'm talking about are all dead just sometimes throws me.
I have those happy memories or I can share bad ones involving living people. The choice seems natural to me.

I'm open to good things happening, too. They do sometimes, and it's nice to be surprised. I just don't want to wait for them.

I am pretty bad at the normal side of relationships. I really do try, but it just doesn't come as easily to me to figure out what people want rather than what they need.