fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2088 ]

[ SECRET POST #2088 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2088 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

__________________________________________________

02.

__________________________________________________

03.

__________________________________________________

04.

__________________________________________________

05.

__________________________________________________

06.

__________________________________________________

07.

__________________________________________________

08.

__________________________________________________

09.

__________________________________________________

10.

__________________________________________________

11.

__________________________________________________

12.

__________________________________________________

13.

__________________________________________________

14.

__________________________________________________

15.

__________________________________________________

16.

__________________________________________________

17.

__________________________________________________

18.

__________________________________________________

19.

__________________________________________________

20.

__________________________________________________

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 021 secrets from Secret Submission Post #298.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Have you ever felt as though, because you've been through something, you'll never get free of it, or never be "normal"? Never be able to live a life like other people?

I dunno if this is a good thing or a bad thing, or a not healthy thing or what. I mean, I've been through some nasty stuff, and I guess it feels like it's made me tougher and more equipped to deal with certain things, and survive stuff.

But also, because of that stuff, and how long I've lived in it, I don't feel like I could ever have a life where I feel comfortable and safe. I tried it for a year and it sort of... numbed me? I didn't feel happy or sad, but I also didn't feel the same sort of wrenching emotions that came with being constantly hurt, or seeing others hurt, things like that.

I feel like that what I'm most comfortable with now. I want to get into jobs that become a way of life, and ask the best and worst of me. I want to do things like the military.

But a part of me asks, if I get into it now, will I ever be able to get out? I feel like it's an addiction, sort of like comfort-seeking behavior, except what comforts me is feeling emotionally and physically devastated, but coming out with the best results.

I feel like because I've been through all that, I'll never be able to understand or appreciate feeling safe and content. I feel like the worst of the world is meant for me, and I'm someone who can take it on and should.

This sounds stupid and melodramatic. I'm sorry.

I'm genuinely shocked how much this reads like something I could have written.

I don't actually have any advice to give as I'm exactly in the same place as you are.

Just that you are not alone. I'm not really willing to get into all of this on the comm but if you would want to PM or e-mail me (lemonysprite.x@gmail.com) I'd be willing.

I'm shocked I managed to touch someone-- I've been feeling so isolated that reading your reply gave me a physical jolt.

I think I probably will hit you up to talk. It's always good to meet someone who gets it.

Thank you for saying something.

No problem! I haven't been in a good headspace lately and I can't put into words how much reading what you wrote and knowing I wasn't the only one struggling with these feelings affected me.

Thank you for saying something. I know I never would have.

I think I know how you feel, anon. I don;t know if what helped me would help you, but:

Therapy helped me, for one. But it takes a lot of time and effort to find someone who is really helpful, and what works for each person is really individual.

Beyond that, what worked for me was to stop caring about whether I was like other people, and ask myself honestly whether I liked myself.

In the beginning my answer was often "no." Then I'd ask myself what people I would like or admire would do, and ask myself if I could do those things. Some of them didn't fit, but some did. Some I could adapt to someone as "weird" or "different" as me.

And the thing is, when I started doing those things... I started noticing that I admired me a little bit more.

It sounds to me like you're attracted to the military because you want to be pushed to be your best. I relate to that a lot. But maybe it means the military is for you, or maybe it just means you want to feel motivation to better yourself, and you need to find what that is.

What worked for me is what I said above. But only you know yourself.

I don't know if I'm making any sense at all here, anon, but -- just know one thing. Yes, surviving makes you feel tougher -- because you know you've lived through stuff. Yes, it makes you feel weird -- because you don't know if other people understand what that's like.

But you don't have to always feel cursed or separated from others. Maybe you'll always feel different. I still do. But being different doesn't have to hurt.

The replies I'm getting are incredible. I honestly never thought this would even get touched.

And thank you. Thank you very much, because this honestly makes so much sense. Right now I feel like I'm medicating myself with "normal" life. Trying to follow a strict regimen and force it down so that I can get used to it.

But if I look at it, I quietly scoff at myself. This isn't what I want to be doing, and I feel like... I feel like I'm dying. Everything is washing out, and there's nothing in front of me, and all I have are intense, dark slashes behind me that I'm trying to paint over with the more subdued, safe colors. Oh god this is sounding so retarded, but it's all I can think of to articulate it.

Thank you for saying something. It does help to know that... it's okay to be different. And that it's okay to want to keep fighting.

Thank you for saying that I may feel alone, but I don't have to be lonely.

You're welcome, anon.

Sometimes we have to be "normal" to get along. But I don't think we should ever have to mimic it so intensely we feel we're not living authentically.

So you know the very best that people can be and the very worst, and you know that what you've seen might not even be all of it - that's by no means a bad thing, but it's not necessarilly a good thing either. Why not think of it like that's just how it is? Even if you wanted to, you can't go back and change your past to be more normal. You know what you're comfortable with and what you want, and that seems to be to push yourself.

That's great, actually! Knowing you can go through a lot of hardship AND come out the other side is something that is definitely useful. You have the potential to be able to emphatize and reach out to people in difficult positions, share what you know and what you've been through, and possibly help them with that. You've got - because of your past - a perspective that plenty of other people don't and can't have.

If you feel like you have to take it on, then why not look into doing so? If you're interested in the military, then start talking to people, but don't just tell them what you want, tell them WHY you want it, ask for suggestions and things to go into.

Don't be sorry for wanting to push yourself and come out better, or for wanting to connect with people, or for wanting to face challenges and meet them and get over them. Like I said, that's not bad or good, those traits. What you do with them, where you go from here, that's what'll decide it.

Is it sort of melodramatic? I guess, a bit! But stupid? Nah, stupid would be wanting and then not trying and just sort of sitting around feeling bad forever and never doing anything about it. So maybe your life is a lot more exciting than most people's - well, so be it, then. You've got a chance to be a hero, and you know you possibly could be. When that kind of thing is in front of you, is it really be worth trying to be 'normal'?

Do what you think is right, don't be a dick at people, you'll probably be ok at the end of it.

Wow.

Just. Wow.

I'm staggered at how well you analyzed my rambling. And thank you for saying this, and put so much thought into it.

And thank you-- for a long time, I had been thinking of the military as sort of giving in or wallowing in what I've always known, no matter how good it turns out. But you're right, it's absolutely within my power and range to do more than that, and make it better.

And you've given me incredible perspective. Yeah, I've seen a lot, but I haven't seen it all, and what I have and what I know can be used to help people and keep pushing.

Thank you for your words. They mean a lot to me.

Well, that's how people work. Everyone has something they know or are familiar with - when you're a kid, everything's general and possible but once you've been through stuff that sets a foundation that you can keep going from. Maybe to you that's something that you're familiar with, but how many other people would be? Or would be able to do what you're doing?

It's easy to compare yourself against other people in your position or against what you know. But take a step back sometimes, look at yourself against everyone else in different lives. I wouldn't say one is necessarily ideal compared to others, it's more like... different classes in an RPG. So you spent a number of years dumping stat points in a melee class, and someone else spent those years dumping them into magic. There's no reason you couldn't pick up the basics of magic either, or that they couldn't pick up the basics of fighting, and the earlier on you are in a the game the less penalties you have for crossing classes, since a level 2 fighter level 1 wizard wouldn't be much behind a level 3 wizard in terms of what he can take on. But a level 15 fighter 5 wizard vesus a level 20 wizard, well, there's a LOT more difference between the classes there.

The way that'd compare to your situation is basically that from the sound of it you're not really at the epic level character stage, but you're on your way there. Either way, whatever you do, so long as you're pushing yourself (which sounds like something you want to do), you're gaining experience. Sometimes a character with different types of skills can handle way more than a person who's only ever specialized in one thing. Sometimes you need someone who's only ever specialized in one thing to handle a tricky situation. It's a big world. There are tons of quests out there for people of every type. The world isn't a zero-sum game where only one type of hero can win at the end. You know that, you've been through a lot of situations, and I think you know where to find more.

Whatever you decide to do, always think through why you want to do it, and then ask yourself if there are any other ways to do that. 'You want to be in the military', well, why? 'You want to help people', how will being in the military do that? 'You want to achieve these goals of self-improvement', what will that mean for your own position at the end of it all?

Don't stop learning. There aren't any level caps in the real world, and that's part of the fun.

Your comparisons are wonderful, and you have a great way of explaining things. You're the Otacon to my Snake or something.

For a long time, and I suppose now to some extent, I just figured I'd end up dead. Wouldn't have to worry about the "what next", and how much better can I get to make things the best. I have a certain baseline, added on with a few learned skills, and by the time I did what I could with what I had, it would just end.

But you're absolutely right. I do have to keep on learning, since like you said, there is no cap. This may sound kind of naive of me to say it, but it's not like death's a sure thing and I should just be content with having a set amount of skills. I can always learn more and help better the situation while I'm in it.

How funny.

I had been feeling kind of alone, and wishing I could find someone to connect to and give me some hope.

Thank you for showing me that I had it all along. It was there, but I just didn't quite know where to find it. Sometimes it's hard to understand your own potential with your own eyes.

You are a wonderful person. Thank you.

Well, death is a pretty sure thing for all of us eventually. In a hundred and fifty years time (give or take a bit for medical advancements) it's pretty safe to say that you, me, everyone else here and anyone you've ever interacted with, they're going to be dead. Maybe some of us will have untimely deaths, others will live way longer than they expected to - death itself is, at this point in time, not something that people can avoid. How and where and what and why you die, though, that you can have a say in to a pretty good extent.

Looking at your other comments, having saftey and security, it can be a pretty weird thing, right? To have everything within your reach. I don't think it's creature comforts that are bad or anything, though, as much as how little a ton of people are aware that they're not very far they could be from losing all of that. As much things as you do have control of, there're will always be stuff that's bigger than you are.

Some people ignore that, some people spend all the time preparing for when things will go bad, but... there is a middle line. It's possible to be aware things could go south, but then because you're aware of that, all the more know how valuable what you have is now.

I'd say, if you have enough to take care of yourself and whatever's important to you (which is something that you're going to have to think about, too), then you're good. I hope you're good! Could things be better? Things could always be better, but then they could always be worse. And you have the benefit of knowing that even when things do get worse, they don't have to stay that way.

Honestly, I'm nothing special. You're the one that's been through stuff and that's working on getting better. I think you've probably figured from the other comments that you're not alone in the situation you're in. You, and everyone else that's working hard, keep going. Chances are neither you nor the world you live in are done with each other yet.

I could have written this pretty much word for word. Even considered the military myself, but couldn't commit to it because it would be too hard for me to follow orders without knowing all the particulars.

I actually didn't realise how unaffected I am by really horrible things until recently, when I met with some more bad luck and lost the place I was living and everything I own. I don't think shrugging it off is an appropriate response? I've just never had a sense of safety and permanence living there anyway. Like I expected sooner or later something like that would happen.

I'm pretty directionless right now, and I think it's worse when I'm not struggling, if that makes any sense? When I had nothing, I knew what I had to do to get back on my feet, but now that I'm here, I have nothing to focus on. Tedium doesn't really suit me.

I don't know what to tell you about how to make it easier. I think after you've been through some things, your emotional scale resets itself. It's hard to feel connected to people who have world-is-ending reactions over things that wouldn't bother you. I don't think it's melodramatic to feel genuinely changed by your experiences.

I understand where you're coming from about feeling like you have a responsibility to take on the worst of what the world has to offer. I think that's how many people start off in extremely difficult careers. I don't know if that's healthy, but I know I don't feel right doing something easy. I don't feel right letting anyone who could walk away and have a normal life take a job that I could do without sacrificing anything.

If you figure out a better way of handling it, let me know. At least I haven't donned a cape and mask and started hunting criminals for fun. That makes me feel slightly less like I should be locked up.

>and I think it's worse when I'm not struggling, if that makes any sense? When I had nothing, I knew what I had to do to get back on my feet, but now that I'm here, I have nothing to focus on. Tedium doesn't really suit me.

Oh God, this is something I understand so much. I'm always, always looking for something to fight against. As the song goes, "I'd rather go to hell than be in purgatory." When I had a year of safety, security, and comfort it was... bizarre. It was novel, but it wasn't long before I was thinking of ways to get out, what to go back to.

I'm sorry to hear about your home. But I definitely get what you mean about being unaffected... I can't remember the number of times I was without food, water, power, electricity and it was just... normal. Something to survive. I remember one winter, no heat, no water, bathing in my room with a bowl of water heated on the stove.

>It's hard to feel connected to people who have world-is-ending reactions over things that wouldn't bother you.

This is why undergrad was so hard for me. Kids out in the world for the first time, and it really bugged the fuck out of me listening to them bitch.

>I don't feel right letting anyone who could walk away and have a normal life take a job that I could do without sacrificing anything.

Yeah, that's exactly it. It's like... I'm already equipped with all of this stuff, I ought to use it so other people won't have to.

Thank you for taking the time to talk to me. I hope that you find your direction.

I spent quite a bit of time this week fixating on my abnormal reactions to an emotional situation I was in and forcing myself to "role-play" someone with the appropriate response.

This thread. Seeing that I really am not the only one like this has been incredibly helpful. I'm a little overwhelmed and not at my most coherent so I have no idea how much sense I'm making.

"and it really bugged the fuck out of me listening to them bitch." I oscillate between feeling amazed and thankful that there are people out there who are privileged enough to take those things for granted and incredibly hurt and angry that people can exist in this world and just not care about the atrocities going on around them. Part of me wants to protect that, even in its ugliest form because it seems so amazing to me. Hard, ugly things sometimes have to be done and if I'm already at a point where I can handle it why not let that be a positive thing for someone else?

>I spent quite a bit of time this week fixating on my abnormal reactions to an emotional situation I was in and forcing myself to "role-play" someone with the appropriate response.

That's a pretty good coping technique, I've gotta say. A lot of the time when I find myself shutting down or disengaging when I didn't want to deal or didn't have the tools to deal with the situation. I mean, I help when I'm needed, I respond if I have to, but I just... go away until what I'm used to and comfortable with crops up.

>Part of me wants to protect that, even in its ugliest form because it seems so amazing to me

I'm at this point now. A few years ago, I didn't have the perspective to realize that, in it's own way, that kind of shelter is precious. I would never, ever, want anybody to have to experience the shit I have unless they already have.

That hard ugly shit that I'm used to is my own kind of shelter. When I can't deal with comfort and safety, I tend to shut myself away from it. I guess it's complementary.

I don't know if you have siblings? But when I was going through the hardest years I tore myself apart trying to protect mine from the worst of it and apparently I did such a good job at it that they don't really have an idea of what I went through and they can be pretty ungrateful at times so maybe it was easier for me to see what a special thing that kind of ignorance can be. As hurtful as it can be I would never want them to have any understanding of what they escaped.

"That hard ugly shit that I'm used to is my own kind of shelter."
Very much this. It feels like an armor that reminds me of how strong I am. All the things that other people pity me for when they find out about just feel like ammunition for me. I just look at them and know that if something happened I already know I could survive.

Edited 2012-09-21 06:30 (UTC)

It was nice to talk about it without making people feel uncomfortable.
Thanks for replying. I think there are probably so many people who feel like this too, but it's not something that's really talked about a lot.
I hope we both find something fulfilling to do with ourselves now.

"safety and permanence" Just the thought of it makes my skin crawl because it's something else that can be taken away and if I let myself get used to it I'd lose the only advantage I have and I remember how long and how hard it was to get to where I am now that I cannot imagine having to start all over again.

"I think it's worse when I'm not struggling" Makes complete sense to me. It feels like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop and trying to prepare for it. When something awful does happen it's a relief because I can identify what I need to be doing to fix the problem.

Yes. Yes to all of this.
I have such a hard time switching off when I'm in situations where I should be comfortable and happy. I try not to get attached, but if I do, it's too late to do anything about it. Then I have to sort of grit my teeth and wait for the inevitable fuckery to start. I would like to think it's paranoia, but it can't be. I get pep talks about my negativity, but I don't want to be optimistic when it never works out well in the end. I'd rather be prepared.

Whenever there's an atmosphere of excitement or happiness, I'm all "nope. NOPE." which is why my friends start calling me Scrooge around the holiday season.

I kind of enjoy being able to keep my thoughts straight when everything goes to hell. If I can't be all that fun to be around, at least I can be useful in a crisis.

Relationships are easier for me when things are going wrong because I'm given more opportunity to "prove" my worth.

I personally think I'm a very positive person. I make a concerted effort to enjoy small moments instead of fixating on what I don't have but people around me say that it's "depressing" and "sad". When my friends are sharing childhood stories and I contribute with one or two of my own that aren't happy by other people's standards they will express pity and it infuriates me. I don't have many happy memories why do they feel the need to take away the ones I do have and make it clear how sucky things were for me?

And I don't see what's so inherently wrong with keeping low or no expectations. If something great happens then fabulous but if it doesn't work out or something bad happens then I wasn't invested and no big loss.

Edited 2012-09-21 07:18 (UTC)

Oh god. The pity thing. I can't share anything about my childhood either without people giving me this D: face. Sometimes I want to talk about my family and friends from back then just to contribute something, and because I like talking about them now. People's reactions when they realise the people I'm talking about are all dead just sometimes throws me.
I have those happy memories or I can share bad ones involving living people. The choice seems natural to me.

I'm open to good things happening, too. They do sometimes, and it's nice to be surprised. I just don't want to wait for them.

I am pretty bad at the normal side of relationships. I really do try, but it just doesn't come as easily to me to figure out what people want rather than what they need.

Hey. So, I'm one of those... "normal"? people (I'd hesitate to use that word, but in this case it roughly fits). I just wanted to say that I'm one of those people who doesn't "get it", not really, and personally I hope I never will. I'm selfish like that. But I do have a great deal of respect for people who've lived through shit I can't imagine and come out capable, and like in your case, wanting to help others. I don't think you sound stupid or melodramatic (or at least, it seems like justified melodrama?). If you want to use your experiences to risk even more, especially to help make sure people like me can continue to live in comfort, then you have both my respect and my appreciation. The important thing isn't to be "normal", it's to do whatever it is that makes you happy or satisfied with yourself.

Basically, I can't commiserate. But I don't think anything's necessarily "wrong" with you for wanting to push yourself outside of a safe and comfortable life. I may not understand it myself outside of hypotheticals, but I wish you the best of luck at finding whatever it is that makes you happy and content.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #2088 ]

Help please? I don't even know what to call this.

Re: Help please? I don't even know what to call this.

OP

Re: OP

Re: Help please? I don't even know what to call this.

OP

Re: OP

Re: Help please? I don't even know what to call this.

OP

Re: OP

OP

Re: OP

Re: Help please? I don't even know what to call this.

OP

Re: OP

OP

Re: OP

Re: OP

Re: Help please? I don't even know what to call this.

Re: Help please? I don't even know what to call this.

Re: Help please? I don't even know what to call this.

Re: Help please? I don't even know what to call this.

Re: Help please? I don't even know what to call this.