Case (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
case) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandomsecrets2012-10-08 06:30 pm
case) wrote in fandomsecrets2012-10-08 06:30 pm
[ SECRET POST #2106 ]
⌈ Secret Post #2106 ⌋
Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.
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Notes:
Secrets Left to Post: 04 pages, 085 secrets from Secret Submission Post #301.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 1 - way too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 - secret posted as text ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.
Re: /is being used
Tbh, if your friend can't be bothered to listen to you for more than a minute over really important things, I think any kind of communication will be difficult, one sided, and met with hostility and resistance. Nobody likes to be told they're a shitty friend, or they're self centered, and she'll react in kind.
There's no point in passive aggressively implying things, either; the kind of person who doesn't take their friend's problems seriously to the level you describe isn't going to notice the jabs at their behaviour. And if they did, they'd ignore them!
In the end, the best way to handle this with a minimum of drama is to just... drift. It sounds mean, but just start getting busy with your life and stop making plans with her. If you meet her on the street, smile and say hey, then make your excuses when she starts to complain. Stop being a reliable punching bag for her bitching and she'll probably move on to the next available.
The only other thing you can really do is confront her, and tbh I doubt it would end well. But, if the friendship means a lot to you, maybe taking a stand and calling her out will be your decision. In the end, I can't tell you! You'll have to decide for yourself.
Re: /is being used
For one, I AM afraid she'll get hostile with me. If I go even a couple days without texting her it's too long, and she makes me feel like a bad friend. I once told her I needed some time to myself and she lasted about five days before contacting me and making it clear she wasn't happy with me for 'ignoring' her. So...idk, she's very easy to offend in general, and on top of that if she feels I'm ignoring her or don't want to talk to her she gets cross. There's no way to tell how she'd react to being told she's self centered, though it will obviously be negatively.
Yup...have tried the passive aggressive thing and it went right over her head.
In the end, the best way to handle this with a minimum of drama is to just... drift.
You're probably right, though I'd rather not handle it that way (because of guilt). Also, unless I talk to her about it I'll probably just keep caving and things will go back to normal once she starts calling me out on ignoring her, because I have no resolve. So...idk. I have a lot to think about, but if I don't discuss it with her, I'll try to make myself less available.
Re: /is being used
Just in case you had any doubt at all - this girl is not a good friend, or sounding like a particularly good person.
My point with drifting was if you really did want to avoid confronting her, that was the way to do it. You sounded uneasy about putting your foot down on her, so I suggested that as an alternative.
It's not going to be simple to shake someone like this, which is honestly what I would recommend you do. If you confront her, I'm sure she'll know just what to say to attack your confidence and blame your for her actions. And if you drift, it sort of seems like she'll come after you, resulting in the same situation anyway.
In the end, you need to get resolve. The only way to get rid of her for good is to say 'no' and never stop saying 'no'. She might promise to change when she realises you aren't budging; I wouldn't believe it. Resolve is hard to come by and near impossible to keep, but if you really are unhappy being in this situation, then resolve will be what gets you out and keeps you out.
... This all sounds really dramatic, and again, I can't tell you what to do. This is just the opinion of some stranger on the internet. In the end, what happens next is up to you. Just do what will make you happy in the long term, not what will make coping easier.
Re: /is being used
If you confront her, I'm sure she'll know just what to say to attack your confidence and blame your for her actions.
This is most likely what will happen, yes. The drifting thing, well I've already mentioned how that hasn't worked out for me in the past because of my feelings of guilt and lack of resolve, but I suppose the only way I'm going to be happy again is for her to change (which I'm not sure she's capable of doing), or for me to cut her out of my life. Cutting her out of my life is probably the easiest route, tbh.
And though it does sound fairly dramatic, the situation itself feels stupidly dramatic as well at times, so that can't be helped. You make some excellent points and your advice has been top-notch. I think having someone lay it out like this will be helpful in making me come to terms with the reality of the situation, and what I need to do if I want positive results. Thanks again for taking your time to respond to this!
Re: /is being used
The truth is that being oblivious to your behaviour doesn't make you not responsible for it, and you are not in any way responsible for what she does. It is perfectly okay and even responsible for you to want to address this in a way that is going to bring you the least stress and further unhappiness.
I know it'll be hard (in case it isn't obvious, I've really been there), and it'll take a long time for it to all settle no matter what happens. The only other thing I can recommend is that however you break this off, turn around and go do things that make you happy. Hang with other friends, play a game, spend time with family! Just don't brood on it. Make your decision and own it. In the long run, I think you'll feel better for it.
... Well, that's assume you do break it off, but you know what I mean. I'm glad I could help! Don't hesitate to ask for help again if you need it.
Re: /is being used
I do agree with that. Her not realizing what she's doing doesn't make it okay, it just makes me feel slightly worse for thinking of ways to cut ties with her. However, I don't think anything I did caused her to react like this, even if I have trouble coming to terms with the guilt of 'abandoning' her. This is a very personal issue though, as I'd suggest anyone else to do what you say and not feel guilty for it. Then again, it's always easier to talk about these things than it is to actually do them.
I hope it worked out for you, whatever you decided? You sound like you've got it all figured out, so I wouldn't be surprised. :)
In the long run, I think you'll feel better for it.
I believe so too. I know I would still feel occasional guilt over it (warranted or not), but day to day...things would be so much easier.
not gonna say thanks again because people will start thinking I'm a broken record*hugs* ♥
Re: /is being used
And as I said before, this kind of thing is really never easy. My situation was messy as hell! I made a lot of mistakes in handling it. I wasn't calm, I didn't break away as clean as possible, and I let them make me feel like an awful person. It's been a couple of years now and I'm honestly better off without that person in my life, but when I think about it I get embarrassed!
Still, when I look back on it I can only really think about what I could've done better. I've gotten older now and I've learned and seen a lot of things since then, and with all that experience, I feel like if I went back and did it again, things would be very different!
That's really where I come from when I give advice. When you've always bumped your knee on that one corner of the coffee table, it makes sense to warn people about it, right?
Good luck with it, really. :) Hey, you never know - maybe your friend will get her act together! Just providing you're happy with the result!
Re: /is being used
:/ Again, it's easy to say you're going to do something than to actually follow through with it. When you're in the moment and hurting, you tend to be nervous and confused and not really sure what to do even if you think you've already made a decision about it; it's easy to doubt yourself. This shit's difficult, man. Mistakes happen, especially in a situation like this, but the important thing is that you went through with it and stuck by your decision and are a happier person today for it. That's something to be glad for and proud of imo, even if it didn't go perfectly. What does, honestly?
When you've always bumped your knee on that one corner of the coffee table, it makes sense to warn people about it, right?
Indeed it does. :) And I really, really hope she does too. If not with me, with her other friends, and everyone she'll meet in the future.