fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2138 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2138 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

[Cabin in the Woods]

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02.

[Hanna Is Not A Boy's Name]

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03.

[Vampire Diaries]

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04.

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05.

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06.

[009 RE:CYBORG]

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[ ----- SPOILERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

07. [SPOILERS for Elementary]

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08. [SPOILERS for Supernatural]

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09. [SPOILERS for Journey Into Mystery 2011/Young Avengers 2012]

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10. [SPOILERS for Skyfall]

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[ -----TRIGGERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

11. [WARNING for abuse]

[Chris Brown / Jaejoong (JYJ)]

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12. [WARNING for incest]

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13. [WARNING for abuse]

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14. [WARNING for eating disorders]

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15. [WARNING for suicide]

[Edna and Harvey: Harvey's New Eyes]

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #305.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

If you didn't like him in the first place, why were you dating?

Got set up and seemed like a pretty nice guy.

Okay.

Dating is a way that people can figure out if they like someone.

I usually like someone before I consider dating them...

maybe they liked him at first and after a month realized they didn't him that much

it's...not that weird.

And you've always continued to like every single one after a few dates?

diff anon- Sometimes first impressions are wrong.

Eh, I've had guys beg me to "give them a chance" and date them, even though I'm pretty open about not being all that into them.

So I give them a couple of weeks, usually, to a couple of months at the most if they turn out to be somewhat entertaining (one only lasted a single date because he was horrible in bed). Then when I'm still not that into them, I break up with them.

I don't know why they get so upset. I told them I wasn't that into them right from the start, but they insisted on going out anyway.

It might be that you're just unusually upfront and honest. Sadly, a lot of people say (they want) one thing and then do the opposite, so a lot of people operate under the assumption that everyone else is lying.

So you say you're not that into them, but then date them? They think you're warming up or were just coy or maybe just unsure.

So I can see why they are surprised (especially if they're not good at reading more subtle cues that confirm that you're not that interested, which probably happens if they're in love/in lust and their mind is elsewhere or projecting what they want to see).

/armchair psychology

Yeah, you could be right I suppose, they could just assume I'm playing hard to get or something.

How do you suggest I make it clear that I'm not, if you have any suggestions?

I think it would be best to not date them, because, while you see it as giving it a tentative sort of opportunity and see if it actually leads to something, they're thinking "I just need to work this a bit more and then scooooore!" (whether "score" means sex or just a more serious relationship or both depends on the guy, of course).

They're seeing it as a small victory paving the way to bigger ones, instead of a trial run.

If they're pestering you and needling you over and over even when you say no, they're not likely to listen or be very perceptive to anything other than you being firm about your decision and sticking by it until they give up when they see you're serious.

...The bad side of this is that some might take it personally and blame you for it not working out by not even giving them the chance, but it's up to them to keep looking for someone actually interested, and it's not really your problem that they don't accept your agency as a person, at least beyond making your boundaries firm and clear.

On the good side, you owe it to yourself to settle only for someone you really want to, instead of giving in to doubts and pressure (even if it's only the pressure of "geez, okay, I'll do it, just shut up already", which can be more draining than you'd imagine.)

By going out with them, you give them the impression that you actually are into them, at least a little bit.

If you have no interest in dating someone, then you shouldn't date them. What you've done is basically string people along and then get confused when they don't like it.

How can I "give them that impression" when I literally tell them "I'm not really feeling it, but alright, I'll give you a shot if you want it so much" or something along those lines? They beg and plead and whine for the chance so much that it's far less irritating in the long run just to give in and go on a few dates.

It sounds to me more that you are bad at being firm and sticking to your guns. I don't see why there is any value in rewarding bad behavior (begging, pleading, whining) with ANY chances, to be perfectly honest.

Instead of your current tactic, if someone is doing any of the above shit to you, why don't you strike a deal with them instead? Something like, "don't ask me out anymore, I really mean it, since I don't really have any interest in you... BUT, if you can manage to do that and treat me just like a friend for the next few weeks/few months/whenever, you can come back and ask me again (at the end of whatever that period of time was) and see if my feelings have changed. How does that sound?" That would not preclude actually going out and doing stuff with these jokers, it just wouldn't be called a date anymore, and therefore they wouldn't be deluding themselves into thinking that by going on dates that means you are their girlfriend (or boyfriend) and that you like them romantically. And MAYBE, just MAYBE, by acting less like guys "on a date" and more like "actual friends," they might have more chance at actually getting what they want over the long term, too... it's a lot more likely that you'll spark up an interest in someone you are currently friends with, than someone you are actively dating, if those romantic feelings are not already present.

[ SECRET POST #2138 ]

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