[ SECRET POST #2191 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2191 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 048 secrets from Secret Submission Post #313.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 2 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[velvet_mace]

I must say I'm much more pleased with the crop of fic for the Hobbit than I was with the ones for the LOTRs.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm just happy for more than one hot, manly man. LoTR really only had Aragorn (elves are too feminine for my tastes). Hobbit has 3-7 depending on your preferences.

[velvet_mace]

Oh don't get me on elves. I kinda find them insufferable and about as unsexy as you can get. Sure they look pretty but pretty in that kind of untouchable stuffy sense that you get with the good crystal that no one ever uses.

[(Anonymous)]

No lets talk about the elves. My sister had 2 posters of Legolas on her wall (we shared a room) for 4 years. I had to sleep with him staring at me for 4 years. :< I wanted some manly Aragorn damnit! Now I got super manly Thorin. And just the right amount of manly Fili and Kili.

[velvet_mace]

Okay, I've never liked elves. Not even when I read about them in the books. Because they are everything that I hate about Mary Sues. They stand around looking pretty and pretending to be important while not actually doing much of anything! They are more beautiful, and more graceful, and more cultured, and their food is better, their songs are more enchanting, they can travel without getting tired, they never get sick but are strangely adept at healing, they make the best swords and rings of power, and are perfectly stealthy. It's fair to say they are better at everything than everyone -- when they get off their asses to bother. Which is rare.

In fact, when they do decide to get involved, it's usually in a kind of snotty assholish way. They tease the dwarves at Rivendell before the Dwarves really have a chance to do anything. Then they imprison them when they find them starving in the woods and won't free them until they tell them everything they are up to. They finally go to war on the Lonely mountain because they realize there's heaps of gold and only 13 dwarves protecting it. Not only are they uncharitable, they are greedy. And what do they do with all this? They hang out in their own cliques singing songs about how important they were in the olden days.

Lord of the Rings was worse. Not only do the Elves barely stir to involve themselves -- apparently they are leaving anyway, so fuck people, right? Never mind that this mess is a continuation of a war that they've been waging for centuries. And I'm not talking their ancestors -- I mean them. Because they are all old as fuck. Nope, time to go off sailing away to some perfect land where they can live forever and never have to deal with those beneath them.

And yet, despite this, they are just so damned beautiful that everyone falls over their own feet to admire them. And you know what, fuck that, I'm not going to admire them, just because their creator had a writers crush on them.

Okay, that's my rant.

[kaijinscendre]

I made a dreamwidth account just now so I could tell how much I agree with you. Fuck elves (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

[silverr]

And what a glorious rant it was!

[(Anonymous)]

I don't think it was that they didn't get involved in LotR, but that they were busy trying to defend their own lands, just as much as everyone else. I don't dispute your comments on the Mirkwood elves during The Hobbit though, even I, an unashamed elf fan of old, found them smarmy bastards.

[velvet_mace]

But they rather pointedly didn't get involved. Remember Gildor, who happened to be wandering through the Shire (notice how elves can freely fuck about in other people's lands without permission but are super touchy when other's happen to wander into theirs) when Frodo and company where fleeing the black riders? Gildor rather grudgingly decides to let Frodo and co. walk with them for a bit, because he knows the black riders are serious bad news. Frodo flatters the fuck out of him, even talking in his own language, to which Gildor warns his people ("jokingly") to watch what they are saying because Frodo might understand them (one has to wonder what kind of shit they'd been saying to each other up to that point).

So Gildor knows that Frodo is in deep shit with the big bad enemy, but when Frodo asks who the fuck are these people who are chasing him, Gildor tells him nothing! That's right. Because he up and decides that Frodo isn't strong enough to know just how deep a trouble he is into -- as though ignorance is any protection.

Then they bug the hell out as soon as the Hobbits go to sleep leaving Frodo and his companions to fend for themselves for the rest of the journey -- basically in exactly the same situation they were in when they found them! Now could they have changed their route and escorted them to Crickhollow, using their super secret elven paths that the Dark Riders can't follow? Probably.

But they didn't, and they even explained why. Matters of the Middle Earth didn't matter to them any more which is a polite way of saying they didn't really give a fuck about anyone but themselves. They were getting the hell out of dodge they were taking all their magic cookies with them.

So here's the image I have in my mind -- Elves singing and feasting their merry way through the Shire knowing full well that soon it would be overrun by a terrible enemy that would enslave and destroy it all. Yeah.

[(Anonymous)]

Okay, after a rant like that, please tell me you've read Pratchett. Specifically, Lords and Ladies, but the issue of insufferable elves (oh god, I've started alliterating) comes up in some of his other stuff too.

[(Anonymous)]

THANK YOU! I have been wondering why I have found elves kind of insufferable and you just put it into words. I just really like how they are treated like some sort of special snowflakes. Fairest, wisest, tallest, fastest, blablablabla IT'S ANNOYING! And they do these assholish things, yet they are still worshipped by the fandom. Because they are pretty. Holy shit, if I put a character like that in my own original story everyone would say he/she is a Mary Sue.

And I just want to mention that I never found Legolas hot. Too... pretty. I remember a little 13 year old me who was lusting after Boromir (Sean Bean) while my sister was going on about Legolas. The only elf I liked appearance wise was Elrond because Elrond is a freaking Hugo Weaving.

[(Anonymous)]

"I just really like..."
FAIL
Supposed to read: I just really DON'T like

[(Anonymous)]

Yes. And I hate how the elves kind of underline the whole "prettiest people are the best people" -mentality. Meanwhile the scruffy men are treated as weak and shit and dwarves get to be the comic relief. It must be the beards.
Boy am I glad that the Hobbit has managed to make people appreciate the more unconventional beauty. I'll take manly Thorin over Legolas any day. Thorin's more vulnerable personality already makes him more relatable.

[(Anonymous)]

This is why I only like elves in the Witcher series. Talking only about the games though since I haven't got an opportunity to read the books.
Those elves are vicious assholes. No better or worse than men. While they are indeed better at some things (like longer age) they aren't any more morally better and can be openly cruel and racist. These aren't the "treehugger" elves you see in every other fantasy novel.

[mimi-sardinia.livejournal.com]

Now that you mention it, I was looking at my Legolas poster only last night and idly wondering how soon I could find one of Thorin "Sex On Legs" Oakensheild. I'd even give him pride of place behind my door, where Legolas currently is (It's right in line of sight of my bed. When the door's closed it's prime poster pickings for posters that are vertically inclined.)

I'd take posters of Fili and Kili too for that matter, but Thorin first.

[kaijinscendre]

For Christmas my sister got me one of Biblo. This one http://tinyurl.com/anm63dm I hadn't even seen the movie when she got it for me.

[(Anonymous)]

Dude, seriously? Boromir and Faramir don't count?

[(Anonymous)]

Boromir was only in the first movie. And honestly the only thing I remember about him is ANGRY AT COUNCIL!, ANGRY AT EVERYONE, OOOH RING!, ARROWS TO THE BODY, DEAD.

And Faramir. I honestly don't remember anything about him. Except him almost being burnt to death. And he was one of the guys that captures Sam and Frodo for a bit? Man, I need to rewatch the movies.

[(Anonymous)]

Indeed! Also there was Eomer, who wasn't my type personally, but I would certainly describe him as manly. And on the slightly more mature side, King Theoden wasn't half-bad either.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm still bitter about movie Faramir. He was completely different from his book version who I fell in love with. At least the Extended Edition softened the blow but in theater version I was like "WHO IS THIS AND WHY IS HE CALLED FARAMIR? Someone tell Faramir about identity theft!"
So yeah... because of this I really couldn't love the character. Even if he is manly (i.e. my type of guy appearance wise).