fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2193 ]

[ SECRET POST #2193 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2193 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

[GunnerKrigg Court]

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02.

[The Avengers]

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03.

[French & Saunders]

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04.

[X-Men/Marvel Universe]

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05.

[Tron: Uprising]

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06.

[Kagaku Ninjatai Gatchaman]

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07.

[How I Met Your Mother]

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08.

[The X-Files/Fox Mulder]

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09.

[Homestuck]

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10.

[True Grit]

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11.

[Saya no Uta]

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12.

[The Silmarillion]

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13.

[Homestuck]

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14.

[Supernatural]

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 015 secrets from Secret Submission Post #313.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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it's super long, so it's in the comments. sorry!

uh...it's my first time doing something like this, so bear with me and sorry for my bad english.

I have this problem that I have so many things in my head that just worry me. Not just for a couple of weeks... but month and even years. They bother me so much... that I never feel at ease.
It's not like I don't feel happy sometimes or have fun. I laugh a lot and have great time with my friends but like...at the end of the day they get me or like today when I'm sitting in front of my PC.

so why do I have a problem with my problems now?
Well, I decided for me something huge some month ago: I wanna drop out off university and try something different. I wanna apply for another university and for that I have to get a super good portfolio done, therefore I have to practice a lot.
but...I can't concentrate/practice for a long time with all that stuff in my head.

it starts with simple things like "I didn't tell my dad about my mothers boyfriend she has for years and for whom I sometimes do some part time jobbing but I always kinda 'lie' that I'm just visiting my mother" to "I need another job cos I'm not able to pay half of the rent".

uhg...basically... I think all my problems are caused by my lack of communication. I'm horrible at expressing my thoughts and I can't really talk about them. I always start crying and then all the words are stuck in my throat :/ (lol it's the same when I'm angry...)
I can't confront people at all... be it friends or my parents or random people. It always makes me feel horrible and I caused a lot of problems with this, not just for me.. which doesn't really help.

like atm I have this problem that I need to pay half of the rent (I'm living with my dad) and I just don't have any money. The last year I got money from a student loan and my mom... but since half a year I got nothing. The first ended and my mother got a new job in which she earns less money so she told me she can't continue paying for me. on the other hand my father always tells me that she has to pay for me and all the years she didn't gave me enough money. On the other hand my mother always told me that my father has to pay for me too and she always asked what happens to the money she gaves me (well I always spent it on the rent and everything... my father retired early so he doesn't have that much money)
So all the years it was back and forth.
They were always blaming each other and also indirectly me who doesn't speak up to the other parent... I always had to lie so they would stop asking. (This started when I was... ~16 till now)
uhg I know, I sound like a little brat who doesn't want to work but it's not like that. I was a temp worker some time ago and I think I'll get another job soon. I think it's just the nagging between my parents since they didn't talk to each other and always used me.

In addition I didn't told my parents that I wanna quit university. I always tell lies about my progress with my bachelor thesis. ah fuck.
I don't wanna disappoint them and I know lying is the most disappointing thing about it.
It's just.... I never can sit down and be like "mom, I want to quit university." "dad, mom has a boyfriend." or stuff like that.
In my head the sentence "mom/dad I have to tell you something" seems so... I dunno...dramatic? something that happens on TV (if that makes any sense to you if not... no problem lol!)
Uh it's also not like my parents are horrible people. I like them a lot and they care for me and are udnerstanding. They also always supported me.

That bothers me so much. I also know that if I would be like "we have to talk" the first thing I would do is crying my heart out. When I think about 'confronting someone' I always know I'll start crying. I dont have a problem with crying in front of people but like I said it comes with a constricted throat. So in the end I wont be talking.
I think I don't have to mention that I have a super huge problem with calling random people (Why it is hard for me to find a job).

ahhhh I'm so sorry everything is so messy and random... but I need to get this off my chest...kinda |:
I dunno maybe someone has the same problem or any thoughts?

If you have trouble with talking, maybe you can write it down? And then either give it to your parents or read it aloud?

Also, you don't need to tell your father that your mom has a boyfriend. That's your mom's job, it's her responsibility. If hiding it to your father bothers you, ask your mom to tell him, you shouldn't have to deal with this.

I hope things will turn out okay for you!

ah I always thought I have to mention it.
My father's also not really interested in it I think? He enver asked anything like that, I think if he would have asked I would have said it.
it's been years and I feel like an idiot telling stuff like "oh btw mom has a boyfriend since x years and remember that vacation? yea we went together...)

The problem is often that I don't have a problem with telling stuff..but making the first step.

^- OP.

and thank you too for your words♥

about writing a letter:
a friend once said me this too. but for some weird reason I feel like.. my parents could be sad/disappointed that their daughter can't speak to them normally...

uhg this sounds utterly stupid.

What I do is write a letter that only I will see. That way I can be as honest as I need to be. It's usually really disorganized and rambly but that makes it easier to organize my thoughts for later, when I confront them in person.

What the hell? Of course anon should tell about the boyfriend (if the parents are still together.) It doesn't even have to do with it being her parents, it's a decent person thing and what anyone in the situation should do. Tell her mom that if she doesn't tell first, OP will.

DA

I see where you are coming from, but it has the potential of putting the OP into an even worse emotional place than she is right now.

I think she should try the other stuff and herself into a more manageable state, and then think about whether she wants to tell or not. As she is right now? It's just one burden after another that she is juggling and being overwhelmed by. She needs to put all that in order first so she can decide without everything else hogging her attention or at least draining her emotionally.

AYRT

From what I understood, OP's parents are not living together and not together anymore.

It really sounds like they're using you to get at each other, and that's shitty. :/ It's not your responsibility to tell them about each other's love lives or to determine who owes money to who. So tell them about the things that ARE your responsibility; what you're doing for university and work. The rent problem REALLY sucks though. :( I think this is something where it might help to write down your monthly budget - how much money you need, and where it's going to come from - and then showing both parents so they understand why it's a stressful issue for you.

I have a telephone phobia too - it's really annoying. I find it helps a lot if I'm really clear on what I need to say before I pick up the phone. I write a script sometimes. When it's acceptable, I use alternate means of contact - I email people first, when it comes to work things, then by the time I need to make a phone call I'm usually already aware of where I stand/what I need to say rather than it being a scary unknown.

ahh it's been years like that. Until recently the money thing wasn't a topic anymore...unfortunately it is now.

but thank you for your words and advice♥

I second what the first anon said

get a diary (somewhere where you are sure it can't be seen by others, be it internet [livejournal, dreamwidth], your computer or in pen and paper)

it seems like you're overloaded by things you want to tackle, but don't know where to start, but putting them in paper might help you organize your thoughts

also, yeah, your parents weird dance around each other's relationships or whatever isn't your fault

I think organizing might help, but I fear solving these problems. I don't think I can since I can't open my mouth for god's sake.

thank you a lot for your words♥

I know what you mean, but you need to put everything in order before jumping to the "solving" part. You are trying to fix everything right away, which is why you keep getting overwhelmed. These things take time, so try to be easier on yourself. Yourself is trying her best, after all.

thank you for showing me some support, I feel a little better♥

No problem. ♥

Writing things down sometimes helps for me.

Or, if it needs saying face to face, I have occasionally just blurted something out without preamble. It's awkward and still usually results in tears, but it can work.

First off, stop lying. You do this to avoid shit, but the problem with it is it will eventually come to a head. Either when you break down or when you pull a 180 in their eyes, since you told them all this other shit.

If you have to cry, cry. Get it out. Forewarn them.

Also, you might want to consider a combination. A letter, you feel, you won't communicate. You lose the words if you make them up on the spot. So write yourself a script. Write down what you feel you need to tell them, and then read from it at the time.

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[ SECRET POST #2193 ]

not happy. TL;DR

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OP again.

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OP

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