Case (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
case) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandomsecrets2013-01-12 02:39 pm
case) wrote in fandomsecrets2013-01-12 02:39 pm
[ SECRET POST #2202 ]
⌈ Secret Post #2202 ⌋
Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.
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Notes:
Sorry, early today!
Also: I'm not going to officially warn for tongue-in-cheek "triggers" just to provide anyone with a fandom-specific in-joke when there are none in the secret.
Secrets Left to Post: 06 pages, 140 secrets from Secret Submission Post #315.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.
It's my birthday/tl;dr rant
(Anonymous) 2013-01-13 02:57 am (UTC)(link)It is my birthday, but the lead up to it has been having me thinking about my relationship with my friends. I feel like I care a lot about my closest friends (and I really only have two), but I don't think they really understand and I feel bad because they shouldn't have to understand. I feel like I over invest my feelings but I don't say anything because I know I'm coming off as clingy and I don't want to burden my friends with that.
Last month, a coworker of mine was getting married and the night before her wedding she invited me over to her house for a henna party. She had her three closest friends come as well, and we were helping her make flower necklaces for the ceremony (and yes, she's Hindu if anyone is curious). They were interacting with one another and gushing about how excited they were for her and how sad they were going to be once she got married and moved away and they all had to go back to their lives. It made me miss my friends immensely. It also didn't help that I had been drinking champagne. It made me wish my friends and I were still that close emotionally. I texted them both that I was feeling sad seeing my coworkers' friends being there for her, and I missed my friends and I was sorry that I wasn't as there for them as I could have been in the past.
One of them talked to me on the phone when I was driving home, and the other one texted me that she missed the good old days and she was glad to have us as her friends.
I don't know. The friend who texted me usually only talks to me when her husband is gone fishing or is out with his friends. I was touched by her text but I can't help but feel like she only talks to me because she doesn't really have anyone to talk to or hang out with when her husband isn't around. Like, I'm convenient, and that's reason enough for her to keep me as a friend. Not because she actually likes me or cares about what happens to me. And it upsets me because I do want to be friends with her. When she tells me her problems I listen. Or when she's happy about something I'm happy for her.
I guess it really got to me when I talked to both my friends on the phone a couple weeks ago. The main reason why the friend who texted me was talking to me and my other friend was because (wait for it) her husband had gone out on an ice fishing trip. So when she texted me earlier this week if I had any plans for my birthday, I was annoyed. I feel like she's only displaying interest in my birthday because I sent her a drunk ~feels~ text about our friendship and she feels a little guilty, her husband is out on another ice fishing trip, and because last year my other friend and I threw her baby shower and she feels like she "owes" us something in return for that "favor" we did for her.
It annoys me that she sees our relationship in such terms. To me, friends do shit for each other because we want to celebrate our lives together, not because we feel obligated to do favors for each other to make it seem like we give a shit when we probably don't.
I don't know...I just feel like she's being so fake, yet I know I'm not making it better by stewing all these thoughts in my head and not saying anything. I'm over analyzing it but I can't stop. And it's so odd...all this thinking has my depression creeping up on me again. Last night at work I realized that I was having suicidal thoughts. I kept thinking, "I hate my life. I should kill myself." I know it's nothing. It's just my friends and I'm over analyzing, why am I feeling so sad and suicidal? I know that it's just me making assumptions as well. Maybe my friend does feel bad that we're not close anymore and wants to mend things, and I'm not making it better by ignoring her text. I feel like I'm fucking this shit up on purpose. Like I want her to get mad at me, and make her feel like I've felt for like three years now. As if I am asking her, "How does it feel to be ignored by your so-called 'friends?'" But the chances are she doesn't really give a shit.
Ulgh, I really fucking hate my life right now. And I know I'm fucked up for being so fucking crazy for thinking so obsessively about this. Just really fucking hate my life right now.
Re: It's my birthday/tl;dr rant
(Anonymous) 2013-01-13 03:53 am (UTC)(link)As for the suicidal thoughts, if it's an option for you, please talk to a therapist/psychologist/counselor? It seems like it's all linked together, and someone with some experience with this sort of thing should know what advice to give you to help you find some peace, and tell you if you have to do certain things to fix all this.
As it is, I have no idea what advice to give you beyond: have a serious talk with your friends (especially the one that you talked more about here), to find out what your friends want out of this relationship.
It seems that you want a deeper sort of relationship than they do, and it's not fair for you to have to settle for BFF who aren't on the same wavelength than you are. So, have a heart to heart, find out if they're willing or even interested in making an effort to make the kind of relationship you want, and if they don't, then accept that it simply won't work and try to find new friends, and either let the relationship with your current BFFs die (as a huge blow out might not help matters at all and burning bridges is generally not a good idea) or accept that they're good acquaintances, but not your BFFs any more. Someone else out there's bound to want the same type of friendship you seek. You really never know.
Re: It's my birthday/tl;dr rant
(Anonymous) 2013-01-13 04:10 am (UTC)(link)also, happy birthday! c: