fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2216 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2216 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

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This is the anon who posted a few days ago about the friend who expects me to be perfect, and a bit earlier on about how she had freaked out at me for something someone else did, though I never mentioned that I was the same anon both times.

So for anyone who remembers either of those threads:

I try my best to be an accepting person, to work around people's flaws and be what they want me to be; this is partly because I'd want them to do the same for me, and partly because I know better than to go looking for perfection. But no matter how much I want to keep it up for her, I have to face the reality that the relationship is...emotionally damaging, and could even be considered abusive. And I feel really bad about it, because I feel like if *I* give up on her, who else is left? With her attitude, who else will she find?

(This is an invalid anxiety because 1. I'm extremely sensitive and 2. I think of a friend as that kind of thing you see in the movies, someone who would give up their life for the other, whereas most people just see it as "a person who is fun to talk to occasionally". I still feel guilty for "abandoning" her though...I try so hard to be this bastion of patience and then I just give up...)

I'm not going to talk to her, not going to make some dramatic goodbye speech. And I don't want to. If she's interested in maintaining relations, I'll let her approach me, but given what happened, I don't think she is. But it saves me from having to fully break that knot in my mind. I don't have to say that it's over, not even to myself. And if she ever comes to her senses about some things...maybe it won't have to be.

I've always been the only one trying. Now I'm going to stop trying. That's all it is. If the power imbalance in our relationship is as massive as I think it is, then she won't be back. But if I cut the line myself, I'd end up crying myself to sleep for ages over her. It's probably cowardly. It's certainly passive-aggressive. But I'm doing things my way for once.

It's the same old cycle, a hundred times, a hundred friends, and it never gets any better. In fact, it gets harder and harder to believe that I'm not the source of the problem, so I try harder and harder, which only intensifies the feeling of "wow, I'm putting in all this work and she's not doing anything, what kind of person is she?" This, in turn, has two effects: it makes me feel more justified in "breaking up" with them, and it also makes me feel less confident about it, because what if I'm looking for too much? Is it too much to ask for a friend who puts in as much effort for me as I do for them? For someone who wants me just as badly as I want them? For an equal relationship?

Of course, there's also the possibility that due to certain mental deformities, it's a lot harder for me to make and keep friends than the average person, meaning of course I'm always going to be the one trying harder...but that just makes me angry, so I try not to go there.

I'm sorry no one has replied to you :(

*hugs*

Things will be better.

[ SECRET POST #2216 ]

I've said a hundred goodbyes and they never get any easier.

Re: I've said a hundred goodbyes and they never get any easier.