fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2232 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2232 ⌋

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

if you're sick of them "not extending the same courtesy" then you need to tell them to stop doing whatever it is they're doing around you that's so grating

but if the mere mention of anything scripture-related provokes this hateful ~it's nonsense thought from you then it sounds like you might not know how to go about asking them to stop in a respectful way. you're really not the bigger person just because you keep your mouth shut, no less if your fam isn't being rude about their beliefs

Edited 2013-02-12 01:45 (UTC)

I realise there's a great deal of petulance in my OP. Venting rage in an unattractive way.

Thing is, I really don't think that talking about it straight out is going to accomplish anything. They feel very strongly that I'm wrong, and I feel just as strongly that they're wrong, and we should all surely be able to rub along by just not having the conversations.

So I don't have the conversations. I avoid the issues. I make nice. I change the topic as noncommittally as I can. They don't. Tbh, I don't think it's that they're just missing the cues.

I hear you, OP.

The situation with my family sounds more fraught than yours is, but it's essentially the same. My family is very religious. They pretty much think I'm going to hell for not believing the way they do. Their political and social and religious beliefs are the antithesis of mine and I find their beliefs as repugnant as they do mine (although I don't think they're going to hell). Because I don't want to be dogpiled on, I've had to for the past 18 years be the one to leave the room, bite my tongue, not share opinions, etc, and they never extend me the same courtesy. Mostly because almost everyone in my family shares these opinions, and one person against a room of 9 people who all believe the same way is not a useful conversation.

I have finally reached my breaking point with this. Being silent and putting up with it for so long have really amped up my anxiety levels. At first I thought I was protecting my mental health by avoiding these conversations with them. I'm not gonna change my mind; they won't change theirs; what's the point in having a heated discussion? And then I realized that after nearly twenty years of this crap, it's about the lack of common courtesy. If I'm going to drive eight hours one way to spend a holiday with them, then they can wait to be racist and homophobic and sexist and whatever else until I'm gone. They can do a little tongue biting and subject avoiding. And if they aren't willing to do that, then I don't have to spend time with them.

Sorry that got a little ranty on my part. I guess all I'm trying to say is that in my experience, this situation just gets worse over time and you should consider how you want to deal with it.

So...did you give them this ultimatum? Did it work? Did you stay home for the holiday?

Tell me all!! :)

Basically I did. I was up front with my mom about how I am sacrificing a lot to come spend time with them and that I'm just not up for giving up my entire vacation and driving so much and then dealing with that kind of stuff. My mom, dad, brother, and sister-in-law on their own are fine; for the most part, they're not too obnoxious. It's getting all the extended relatives together that becomes a dogpile of WTFery. LOL

I don't know if Mom said something to everyone else or what, but it was an amazingly wank free holiday. All the relatives pretty much kept their mouths shut about religious and political stuff. There was one moment where my aunt was being ridiculous, and I was all, "You are being ridiculous." I didn't leave the room or bite my tongue; I said what I thought and that effectively shut down the line of convo.

Do I think it will always be this easy or magical? No. I fully expect to have to tell my uncle at some point that if he insists on spewing racist slurs out of one side of his mouth while tearfully singing "Mary, Did You Know?" out of the other, the baby Jesus may in fact die of shame. LOL But overall, it went way better than I expected.

Ah, well - good on you! And good on your Mom if she told everybody to calm down and leave off the wank.

Our family get-togethers generally didn't delve into politics, which is good - not what i want to get out of a family 'party'!

Hope they keep their lips zipped and you can go back to enjoying family time.

[ SECRET POST #2232 ]

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