[ SECRET POST #2232 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2232 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 070 secrets from Secret Submission Post #319.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 1 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

I'm tired of being the bigger person

[(Anonymous)]

My family are all very religious - pretty zealously so in their own ways. I am a confirmed Atheist. I don't talk about that to my family. I don't challenge them when they say things that sound preposterous to me. I resort to the most benign platitudes I can when they talk about the power of prayer because I don't want to hurt them.

But fuck it, I am sick of them not extending me the same courtesy. They tell me how they're praying for me. My sister asks me questions about interpretation of scripture for which I actually have no answer because I can't say "I think it's all utter nonsense".

I'm scared some day I'm going to explode and say something that will hurt them a lot but for fuck sake, I've been changing the subject and trying to find new ways of politely bowing out of their god talk for six years now. I'm at the end of my tether.

Re: I'm tired of being the bigger person

[yeahscience]

Just to be clear: do they know you're an Atheist?

Re: I'm tired of being the bigger person

[(Anonymous)]

I've never out and said it, but they know I don't attend church, and I've told them more than once that I don't believe in the power of prayer.

Re: I'm tired of being the bigger person

[yeahscience]

Unfortunately, anon, this is sort of the roommate thread all over again... I totally understand why you don't want to tell them, but if you don't, you're probably never going to get the results you want. If they're so deep into their beliefs, they genuinely may not understand what yours are. I don't know your family so I can't say for sure, but the way you're describing it sounds like they might well think they're doing you some kind of favor, rather than being discourteous.

Re: I'm tired of being the bigger person

[(Anonymous)]

I feel you, but I don't have a solution if you are at all close to your family and plan on always living close. I have been dealing with that for much longer, thankfully my sister and brother are atheist as well, and my parents are just kind of lazy Christians, but the family get togethers are always exercises in me shutting my mouth.

The family knows I am not particularly religious but I never told them I am specifically atheist, I have actually always been more afraid of them knowing I'm an atheist then knowing I'm bisexual. But I also got harassed more in school for the former then the latter.

Re: I'm tired of being the bigger person

[(Anonymous)]

It's nice hearing from other people in a similar boat. I don't have any other non-religious people in my family as far as I know. I'm thinking clearing out and moving a good distance a way is going to have to be the way to go. Which sucks, because I love my family and my home town very much. But I can't hack this much longer.

Re: I'm tired of being the bigger person

[honk]

if you're sick of them "not extending the same courtesy" then you need to tell them to stop doing whatever it is they're doing around you that's so grating

but if the mere mention of anything scripture-related provokes this hateful ~it's nonsense thought from you then it sounds like you might not know how to go about asking them to stop in a respectful way. you're really not the bigger person just because you keep your mouth shut, no less if your fam isn't being rude about their beliefs

Re: I'm tired of being the bigger person

[(Anonymous)]

I realise there's a great deal of petulance in my OP. Venting rage in an unattractive way.

Thing is, I really don't think that talking about it straight out is going to accomplish anything. They feel very strongly that I'm wrong, and I feel just as strongly that they're wrong, and we should all surely be able to rub along by just not having the conversations.

So I don't have the conversations. I avoid the issues. I make nice. I change the topic as noncommittally as I can. They don't. Tbh, I don't think it's that they're just missing the cues.

Re: I'm tired of being the bigger person

[lunabee34]

I hear you, OP.

The situation with my family sounds more fraught than yours is, but it's essentially the same. My family is very religious. They pretty much think I'm going to hell for not believing the way they do. Their political and social and religious beliefs are the antithesis of mine and I find their beliefs as repugnant as they do mine (although I don't think they're going to hell). Because I don't want to be dogpiled on, I've had to for the past 18 years be the one to leave the room, bite my tongue, not share opinions, etc, and they never extend me the same courtesy. Mostly because almost everyone in my family shares these opinions, and one person against a room of 9 people who all believe the same way is not a useful conversation.

I have finally reached my breaking point with this. Being silent and putting up with it for so long have really amped up my anxiety levels. At first I thought I was protecting my mental health by avoiding these conversations with them. I'm not gonna change my mind; they won't change theirs; what's the point in having a heated discussion? And then I realized that after nearly twenty years of this crap, it's about the lack of common courtesy. If I'm going to drive eight hours one way to spend a holiday with them, then they can wait to be racist and homophobic and sexist and whatever else until I'm gone. They can do a little tongue biting and subject avoiding. And if they aren't willing to do that, then I don't have to spend time with them.

Sorry that got a little ranty on my part. I guess all I'm trying to say is that in my experience, this situation just gets worse over time and you should consider how you want to deal with it.

Re: I'm tired of being the bigger person

[tabaqui]

So...did you give them this ultimatum? Did it work? Did you stay home for the holiday?

Tell me all!! :)

Re: I'm tired of being the bigger person

[lunabee34]

Basically I did. I was up front with my mom about how I am sacrificing a lot to come spend time with them and that I'm just not up for giving up my entire vacation and driving so much and then dealing with that kind of stuff. My mom, dad, brother, and sister-in-law on their own are fine; for the most part, they're not too obnoxious. It's getting all the extended relatives together that becomes a dogpile of WTFery. LOL

I don't know if Mom said something to everyone else or what, but it was an amazingly wank free holiday. All the relatives pretty much kept their mouths shut about religious and political stuff. There was one moment where my aunt was being ridiculous, and I was all, "You are being ridiculous." I didn't leave the room or bite my tongue; I said what I thought and that effectively shut down the line of convo.

Do I think it will always be this easy or magical? No. I fully expect to have to tell my uncle at some point that if he insists on spewing racist slurs out of one side of his mouth while tearfully singing "Mary, Did You Know?" out of the other, the baby Jesus may in fact die of shame. LOL But overall, it went way better than I expected.

Re: I'm tired of being the bigger person

[tabaqui]

Ah, well - good on you! And good on your Mom if she told everybody to calm down and leave off the wank.

Our family get-togethers generally didn't delve into politics, which is good - not what i want to get out of a family 'party'!

Hope they keep their lips zipped and you can go back to enjoying family time.

Re: I'm tired of being the bigger person

[eaten_by_bears]

That is the worst. You seriously deserve all the courtesy you're giving. I wouldn't blame you for blowing up at them.

Re: I'm tired of being the bigger person

[n7of9]

In my experience, people who have faith (who also take issue with our atheism) feel sorry for us, and consider our lives to be empty. Their digs at us are more often than not coming from a place of concern and love, though from our side it always sounds disrespectful, at best.

When someone tells me they 'are praying for me', I raaaaage over the fact that they think they are helping me, the fact that they honestly believe it - but the important thing to remember is that they actually ARE helping - to them, they are helping in the most caring way they know how, and each person has different ways of showing love. We should graciously accept their words in the spirit they are given, they are showing us their love.

So my advice would be (using your own thread title words), continue to be the bigger person - by definition alone, you are doing a good thing.

I think religion is a beautiful thing for humanity - it's just not for me. I've made arrangements to make sure I am cremated and not buried (as my parents' religion dictates), and until then I will attempt to live and let live as best I can. We don't need to feel angry or ostricised or ignored or disrespected, we just need to accept our own decision and the problems which sometimes may come with it.

Re: I'm tired of being the bigger person

[(Anonymous)]

A bit off-topic... but speaking as a religious person, the phrase "I'll be praying for you" really irks me. I'm not sure why.

Re: I'm tired of being the bigger person

[n7of9]

really? that's interesting, i've never heard someone say that..myself, i have learnt to accept it as something nice - kind of like when i tell someone i'm 'thinking of them', i actually really mean it from the bottom of my heart