Case (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
case) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandomsecrets2013-02-26 06:43 pm
case) wrote in fandomsecrets2013-02-26 06:43 pm
[ SECRET POST #2247 ]
⌈ Secret Post #2247 ⌋
Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.
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Notes:
Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 056 secrets from Secret Submission Post #321.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 1 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 - troll ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.
Re: (Not) Dating Advise
(Anonymous) 2013-02-27 04:18 am (UTC)(link)I strongly recommend that you read Gavin De Becker's book, The Gift of Fear. And also start reading Captain Awkward's blog, which deals w/this topic a lot of people trying to manipulate people and gives helpful suggestions on how to deal with situations like this realistically.
The quotes are from one of the blog posts: http://captainawkward.com/2011/03/24/the-art-of-no-continued-saying-no-when-youve-already-said-yes/
"I really can’t recommend The Gift of Fear enough to you. Gavin De Becker, the author, doesn’t want you to feel afraid or be suspicious of everyone. What he does want is for you to trust your instincts – this is creepy, this is sketchy, I don’t want to do this or talk to this person – when you do feel afraid, and he gives you a framework for identifying sketchy behavior and refusing to be manipulated. Some of the predatory behaviors he identifies may apply to last night’s unwanted guest:
Forced Teaming. This is when a person tries to pretend that he has something in common with a person and that they are in the same predicament when that isn’t really true.
Charm and Niceness. This is being polite and friendly to a person in order to manipulate him or her.
Too many details. If a person is lying they will add excessive details to make themselves sound more credible.
Typecasting. An insult to get a person who would otherwise ignore one to talk to one. (“I bet you’re too stuck up to ever talk to a guy like me.“This is a classic move of Pick-Up Artists)
Loan Sharking. Giving unsolicited help and expecting favors in return.
The Unsolicited Promise. A promise to do (or not do) something when no such promise is asked for; this usually means that such a promise will be broken. For example: an unsolicited, “I promise I’ll leave you alone after this,” usually means you will not be left alone. Similarly, an unsolicited “I promise I won’t hurt you” usually means the person intends to hurt you.
Discounting the Word “No”. Refusing to accept rejection."
Me: This guy who are posting to F!S about is in the discounting the word no category. This guy is a predator. Be careful.
"Predators (I’ll lump rapists, stalkers, dates who can’t be broken up with and other unsavories under this term) carefully select and test their victims to look for ones who have a hard time saying no. People who can’t let go choose people who can’t say no."
"This is right out of Gift of Fear: “If you say ‘no,’ and the other person keeps talking, ask yourself ‘Why is this person trying to manipulate me?’”"
Also, I strongly suggest reading this article: Mythcommunication: It’s Not That They Don’t Understand, They Just Don’t Like The Answer from: http://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2011/03/21/mythcommunication-its-not-that-they-dont-understand-they-just-dont-like-the-answer/
"Drawing on the conversation analytic literature, and on our own data, we claim that both men and women have a sophisticated ability to convey and to comprehend refusals, including refusals which do not include the word ‘no’, and we suggest that male claims not to have ‘understood’ refusals which conform to culturally normative patterns can only be heard as self-interested justifications for coercive behaviour."
"What Kitzinger & Frith say agrees with some research I’ve written about before, in Talking Past Each Other. I focused on other things when I first wrote up O’Byrne et al., but here I’ll quote them on what their young men understand about refusing sex:
In a discussion of how they themselves would refuse unwanted sex (Extract 1) it is apparent that the participants are well aware that— despite the emphasis placed on it by the majority of ‘rape prevention’ programmes— effective sexual refusals need not contain the word ‘no’. Indeed it is evident that these young men share the understanding that explicit verbal refusals of sex per se are unnecessary to effectively communicate the withholding of consent to sex."
"m no communications theorist, but communications are layered things. As we’ve seen, the literal meaning of a message is only one aspect of the message, and the way it’s delivered can signal something entirely different. Rapists are not missing the literal meaning, I think it’s clear. What they’re doing is ignoring the literal message (refusal) and paying very close attention to the meta-message. I tell my niece, “if a guy offers to buy you a drink and you say no, and he pesters you until you say okay, what he wants for his money is to find out if you can be talked out of no.” The rapist doesn’t listen to refusals, he probes for signs of resistance in the meta-message, the difference between a target who doesn’t want to but can be pushed, and a target who doesn’t want to and will stand by that even if she has to be blunt. It follows that the purpose of setting clear boundaries is not to be understood — that’s not a problem — but to be understood to be too hard a target."
Be careful, OP. And document it! And do take action if it persists. It's much harder for HR to ignore if you've documented it.
Re: (Not) Dating Advise
Posts that may be especially helpful:
http://captainawkward.com/2011/03/31/saying-no-at-work/#more-523
http://captainawkward.com/2011/04/02/reader-question-32-saying-no-at-work-to-the-parade-of-guys-who-stop-by-my-desk-all-day/#more-535
Also seconding the recommendation to document everything.
Hugs if you want them, OP. I hope everything works out!