fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2247 ]

[ SECRET POST #2247 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2247 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 056 secrets from Secret Submission Post #321.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 1 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 - troll ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I'm... at a loss.

I got a job a couple months ago, which I'm really thankful for. Everyone's very nice and everything feels like it's going smoothly. Or at least it was, until recently. See...

There's this guy.

The first time I met him, he approached me at lunch and basically demanded to know why I wasn't spending my lunch time texting people ~like everyone else~, and then asking for my phone number so that he could text me. I had a bad feeling about it (I mean, what the hell business is it of this guy I don't know how I spend my lunch????) and politely refused... that seemed to pacify him for the moment and he left... but then he keeps coming back and doing it again! And I feel so awful having to refuse, but at the same time, I just... do not want to give this guy I don't know my phone number, and he keeps asking very personal questions that I do not feel comfortable asking.

At first I thought it'd be okay because I barely saw him and started taking my lunch later in order to miss him, but he's started coming after me if he sees me in the hallways or across the room and inviting me to lunch. I keep saying I'm busy or I can't as politely as I can, but he keeps pushing it and I just...

I don't want to upset him, or cause a problem with my co-workers. I just got this job and desperately need it, and I just don't need this shit and why can't I just be left alone...?

What do I do? I just... feel trapped.

Tell him very firmly that you don't want to talk to him, you're not going to give him your phone number, and that he needs to stop approaching you or you'll report him for harassment (which would be within your right because that's what this is). If you do report him to the HR department (or your supervisor, if there is no HR department), make sure to tell them that you've repeatedly told him to leave you alone and he's refused to respect your wishes.

Don't try to play nice with creeps like that - he's not trying to be your friend, he's trying to get in your pants because he thinks he's entitled to have you. Being firm and no-nonsense with him may piss him off, but that's because he's an immature little shit who doesn't like being told he can't have something he wants. You have a right to be left alone, and he's not respecting that.

Yeah, I think a large part of the problem is that I've been trying to be nice and polite, and not cause waves. And he's just... not responding to that? We do have an HR department, so I could go to them... but I'm the new girl, so I'm afraid that if I create too much of a stink, it'll cause me even more problems, but at the same time... I just want to be able to work in peace. I definitely want nothing to do with this guy.

Man, that sucks. But it's hard to know what to tell you beyond that without more info. Did you try politely telling him you're not interested? Sometimes making up a boyfriend or girlfriend might work, if you think 'single and not looking' won't make him stop. Is he an underling or a boss or from a different department? Do you know anyone else who would back you up if you mentioned stalker dude to your boss or HR? I hope you manage to get him to leave you alone.

I did, but it didn't seem to stick. I mean, it worked at first, like when I refused to give him my phone number the first time, but it's like he just... forgets or decides that I'll change my mind if he asks again later?

He did ask me if I was married, and I regret answering 'no' as that probably would've saved me this mess right up front. I could still say I have a significant other, because not married doesn't equal single, but I feel like I missed my chance to bring it up.

He's from a different department entirely, and he's not a boss/supervisor/in a position of management. We have completely different work schedules, which was why I was normally able to avoid him easily before. But now, if he even hears my voice, he comes looking for me.

I do have someone, a co-worker who warned me not to give out my cellphone number to him. She said he did the same thing to her... but there's still this fear that because I'm new, that if I cause drama, it may end badly for me.

As someone who's been in similar situations, I'm sorry. :/ I'd say you're probably doing the right thing for now (ignoring him as blatantly as you can), but I realize this doesn't make your situation any better.

Maybe it would help to be documenting this stuff (including what he said, that you told him to leave you alone, and how he reacted to that) so you can eventually take it to the HR manager if it gets too bad or if you eventually feel more comfortable complaining.

Thank you... I've been doing my best to just avoid situations with him, but he's getting more pushy. Not that he wasn't pushy to start with.

I'll definitely have to just... be more firm and if that doesn't help, start talking to my supervisor, or HR, or both... because this is just making everything so stressful. I'm not exactly an assertive person in real life, but this has gotten to the point where I take lunch late to avoid him and it's not helping.

silverau has it right. Write down dates and if possible hours, what he said and did and what you answered. You are going to need that information when you report him.

Wow, um. I'm going to be blunt. Fuck this guy and *who cares* if you upset him? He's being a creepy, stalker-y jackass and you need to a) write down everything that's happened between you two, *especially* that you've said no repeatedly and that you've tried to avoid him but he keeps finding and you and b) go talk to HR.

Don't back down, don't 'feel bad', don't worry about his 'feelings'. He's being a jerk and a creeper. You absolutely *SHOULD NOT* under any circumstances give him any personal info at all, period. And if he continues to do this and/or HR ignores him, go higher, go to the cops, make a stink.

You have the right to a workplace that is intimidation free and he needs to back the fuck off.

This guy is a creeper and a stalker. Flat out tell him no, that you're not interested and start documenting the harassment for HR purposes if he continues it after you tell him no. You can be polite about it, but don't leave it vague. He is pushing into your boundaries in an effort to manipulate you into doing what he wants and, believe me, he knows he's doing it.

I strongly recommend that you read Gavin De Becker's book, The Gift of Fear. And also start reading Captain Awkward's blog, which deals w/this topic a lot of people trying to manipulate people and gives helpful suggestions on how to deal with situations like this realistically.

The quotes are from one of the blog posts: http://captainawkward.com/2011/03/24/the-art-of-no-continued-saying-no-when-youve-already-said-yes/

"I really can’t recommend The Gift of Fear enough to you. Gavin De Becker, the author, doesn’t want you to feel afraid or be suspicious of everyone. What he does want is for you to trust your instincts – this is creepy, this is sketchy, I don’t want to do this or talk to this person – when you do feel afraid, and he gives you a framework for identifying sketchy behavior and refusing to be manipulated. Some of the predatory behaviors he identifies may apply to last night’s unwanted guest:

Forced Teaming. This is when a person tries to pretend that he has something in common with a person and that they are in the same predicament when that isn’t really true.

Charm and Niceness. This is being polite and friendly to a person in order to manipulate him or her.

Too many details. If a person is lying they will add excessive details to make themselves sound more credible.

Typecasting. An insult to get a person who would otherwise ignore one to talk to one. (“I bet you’re too stuck up to ever talk to a guy like me.“This is a classic move of Pick-Up Artists)

Loan Sharking. Giving unsolicited help and expecting favors in return.

The Unsolicited Promise. A promise to do (or not do) something when no such promise is asked for; this usually means that such a promise will be broken. For example: an unsolicited, “I promise I’ll leave you alone after this,” usually means you will not be left alone. Similarly, an unsolicited “I promise I won’t hurt you” usually means the person intends to hurt you.

Discounting the Word “No”. Refusing to accept rejection."

Me: This guy who are posting to F!S about is in the discounting the word no category. This guy is a predator. Be careful.

"Predators (I’ll lump rapists, stalkers, dates who can’t be broken up with and other unsavories under this term) carefully select and test their victims to look for ones who have a hard time saying no. People who can’t let go choose people who can’t say no."

"This is right out of Gift of Fear: “If you say ‘no,’ and the other person keeps talking, ask yourself ‘Why is this person trying to manipulate me?’”"

Also, I strongly suggest reading this article: Mythcommunication: It’s Not That They Don’t Understand, They Just Don’t Like The Answer from: http://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2011/03/21/mythcommunication-its-not-that-they-dont-understand-they-just-dont-like-the-answer/

"Drawing on the conversation analytic literature, and on our own data, we claim that both men and women have a sophisticated ability to convey and to comprehend refusals, including refusals which do not include the word ‘no’, and we suggest that male claims not to have ‘understood’ refusals which conform to culturally normative patterns can only be heard as self-interested justifications for coercive behaviour."

"What Kitzinger & Frith say agrees with some research I’ve written about before, in Talking Past Each Other. I focused on other things when I first wrote up O’Byrne et al., but here I’ll quote them on what their young men understand about refusing sex:

In a discussion of how they themselves would refuse unwanted sex (Extract 1) it is apparent that the participants are well aware that— despite the emphasis placed on it by the majority of ‘rape prevention’ programmes— effective sexual refusals need not contain the word ‘no’. Indeed it is evident that these young men share the understanding that explicit verbal refusals of sex per se are unnecessary to effectively communicate the withholding of consent to sex."

"m no communications theorist, but communications are layered things. As we’ve seen, the literal meaning of a message is only one aspect of the message, and the way it’s delivered can signal something entirely different. Rapists are not missing the literal meaning, I think it’s clear. What they’re doing is ignoring the literal message (refusal) and paying very close attention to the meta-message. I tell my niece, “if a guy offers to buy you a drink and you say no, and he pesters you until you say okay, what he wants for his money is to find out if you can be talked out of no.” The rapist doesn’t listen to refusals, he probes for signs of resistance in the meta-message, the difference between a target who doesn’t want to but can be pushed, and a target who doesn’t want to and will stand by that even if she has to be blunt. It follows that the purpose of setting clear boundaries is not to be understood — that’s not a problem — but to be understood to be too hard a target."

Be careful, OP. And document it! And do take action if it persists. It's much harder for HR to ignore if you've documented it.

Seconding the Captain Awkward recommendation so hard.

Posts that may be especially helpful:

http://captainawkward.com/2011/03/31/saying-no-at-work/#more-523
http://captainawkward.com/2011/04/02/reader-question-32-saying-no-at-work-to-the-parade-of-guys-who-stop-by-my-desk-all-day/#more-535

Also seconding the recommendation to document everything.

Hugs if you want them, OP. I hope everything works out!

Just tell him you don't really use your phone for texting and only give out your number to your relations and closest friends.

Also, a lot of the advice here seems to be a bit extreme. I don't know if the situation is extreme (I couldn't really gather from your explanation, but your tone seems to suggest that it's not), but I personally would avoid making waves unless the situation becomes extreme. You might need to be a bit more firm with him, but I really would not go to anybody else unless it becomes necessary.

I think a lot of people (myself included) are more willing to err on the side of this being more extreme/problematic than the OP is making it sound, just because a lot of the time harassment is downplayed or brushed off as "no big deal," and creeps like that do get away with what they're doing because of it, and if he's not shut down soon, the behavior can and often does escalate into something much worse than just creepy persistence. OP has every right to report him and shouldn't be told not to just because it's "not serious."

It could escalate, but it might not. I don't know the specific circumstances of her job or her work environment, but I just don't think it's advisable to do something rash if it's not prudent. It might affect her situation more negatively than she wishes it to. And I'm sorry if you disagree, but I am sticking to that. OP can take both sides into consideration and make her own decision.

One thing you might want to do is keep a record of exactly what's going on. Like:

2/27/13, co-worker approached me again in the hallway and demanded my phone number. Refused again.

It might come in useful at some point, if only because you can show it to friends and get more specific advice.

This guy sounds creepy.

First things first: DO NOT GIVE HIM YOUR NUMBER. Your gut instinct is telling you "Warning! This guy is trouble." Listen to your gut instinct.

Secondly: Don't answer his questions. Talk around them, give long-winded, boring answers. Don't commit to an answer, either, talk in general terms of what other people think, don't tell him what YOU think. (For example, if he asks you: "What do you think of politics?", reply with something like "Well, it's been in the news a lot lately. Some people think..."
Or, act like a policeman. Be really blunt with him and give one-word repleis. Hell, just lie and make shit up, but don't give him ANY legit information about you.

He sounds like the kind of person who wants to find out what makes you tick, so he can use that. I've met a guy like that before. The only thing that really worked was avoiding him like crazy.

Also: Whenever he crosses the line, whenever he makes you feel uncomfortable, DON'T worry about being "polite" or giving him the benefit of the doubt. Be direct and unemotional. Tell him: "You're making me uncomfortable. Stop that."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #2247 ]

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