fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2257 ]

[ SECRET POST #2257 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2257 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

#8 and 9 are moving gifs.

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[Jessica Alba]

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11. http://i56.tinypic.com/2ih02df.jpg
[porn... sort of. illustrated]

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[ ----- SPOILERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

13. [SPOILERS for A Song of Ice and Fire]

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14. [SPOILERS for Supernatural]

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15. [SPOILERS for Brave, Wreck-It Ralph]

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16. [SPOILERS for Persona 3]

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[ ----- TRIGGERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

17. [WARNING for suicide, self harm]

[My Mad Fat Diary]

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18. [WARNING for rape]

[Far Cry 3]

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19. [WARNING for self harm and sexual abuse]

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #322.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 - ships it ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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I'm too embarrassed to ask this of anyone IRL cause it'd just make an unholy fuss.

When I get stressed and low, I think about suicide a lot. I'll fantasize about just driving my car into the river. Or, like, the other week I had to excuse myself from a dinner party to reassemble my game-face in the bathroom, and while I was in there I spent a good while looking at the cleaning chemicals and thinking that I could just drink them.

But I'm not thinking about suicide in the sense of planning it ever.(I could never do that to my mother.) It's just the same sort of feeling as you get when you're standing somewhere high and start thinking about throwing something important and how reckless that would be - knowing you won't actually do it.

I know it's probably not the healthiest of habits, but it's not something I need to be actively worried about, is it? There's a distinction between thinking of committing suicide and just thinking about it a lot.

Argh. I didn't realise I'd gotten here so early! I expected I'd be in after the comment collapse. Sorry to drama-queen above the fold.

I'm curious about this as well, since I'm the same way.

Yes, I do this too. And sometimes without even the provocation (?) of things in my life going badly. I don't want to be thinking about walking onto the train tracks or swallowing bleach tablets, but all of a sudden the thought is there.

unwanted thoughts could be a sign of OCD

I was the same way when I had some issues going on.

I... don't think it's that dangerous, by itself, but it is a sign that other things aren't going right and need to be worked on.

There might be some form of depression or something different going on that needs to be addressed.

Why can't you bring this irl? Is it possible to see a counselor, or talk to a suicide hotline, or something?

Even just talking about it with someone who has dealt with it might point you in a good direction. Even just venting to a stranger who is paid or volunteers for it could do you a work of good.

Seconding the suggestion to talk to someone because it might be a good idea, but I got the impression the OP meant they didn't want to ask a friend. I do get that - people tend to find it difficult to know how to react when someone mentions thoughts of suicide. That's why hotlines exist, after all. While "HOLY FUCK NOOOO DON'T KILL YOURSELF" certainly has its place, it's not always the most useful thing to say.

Yes! OP, I could've written this. Maybe it's just our minds' way of coping when we're stressed? As long as it doesn't spill over into actually planning suicide, I... don't see a problem with it.

I do the same thing. I find it calming to think about. Planning the details. Also knowing that I could end it at any time helps, I don't feel so trapped or something.

I don't think it's a problem, but then I could obviously be biased. I know for me there is definitely a huge distinction between suicidal ideation and actual real seriously planning it out and thinking about doing it. One is okay, one is when you need to worry.

I went through a period a while back where I was having intrusive thoughts of death. Like you, it wasn't accompanied by any desire, and in my case, it wasn't even accompanied by any planning- I just kept noticing all the things in my environment that could potentially kill me. ("Someone could run the red light at that intersection and I could be killed." "If someone spilled that baggie of laundry soap on the counter into food, I could eat it and die." "My bedroom fan could fall on me and kill me." etc.)

Discussing it with a psychologist considerably after the fact, we were able to make the connection that it was related to the depression and anxiety I was having at that time (related to certain shitty things I was dealing with) but trying to deny. It wasn't a warning sign in the sense of concern for life and limb, but it had been an indication that I wasn't as okay with my situation as I had been trying to tell myself I was.

Yea, I don't think I'm quite as creative about it as you, but it does enter my thoughts at times. While I agree it probably isn't the healthiest thing to experience, it's good that you don't have any desire to go through with it. Others have suggested talking to someone about it which is probably a good idea, but I don't think what you're doing is that uncommon.

This may be splitting hairs, but while you do mention that you're not planning on killing yourself, and that you feel you never would, you don't mention whether or not you want to kill yourself. The bit about contemplating suicide while you calm down suggests to me that there may be a bit of a grey area there. If you want to kill yourself, then I'd say you should be actively worried about it, yes. If it's just something you think about, like how some people think about, I dunno, the colour of the walls wherever they are, then I'd say you don't have to worry about it.

If it bothers you, though, there's no reason why you couldn't work to change it. Dying is generally not a pleasant topic, and if thinking about it frequently is something you'd rather not do, then by all means, see a therapist or read some books on learning how to redirect your thoughts.

I think it's in the power of knowing you could if you really wanted to, that you can change your life and those of the people around you dramatically in just a few seconds. And in a world where we all tend to have routines and do the same tasks over and over again every single day, it really is, well, powerful.

TW for self-injury

Yes, that is ideation. Ideation does not necessarily mean plans to go through with it. I'm actually the same way, and I've talked to my psych about it a fair deal. For me, it's tied in with my bipolar disorder, and if I'm having a bad episode, ideation long enough can result in me self-injuring.

I would say that in your case, if there are no plans, and you're not self-injuring or anything, it's... hm. I wouldn't say it's necessarily something to be actively worried about, but that to me is a sign that things aren't okay, and that seeing a counselor or therapist if you have the option may help. If you don't want to go for that just based on this, I would start keeping a mood journal, and if after a month, six weeks, thereabouts, you see a pattern of depressive thoughts, I would definitely see someone. Depression often can be a lot more subtle than most people think.

(reply from suspended user)

Usually I think about throwing myself off the edge... o____o I guess that counts as something important. But yeah, I know that feeling, the little thrill of imagining how it would go and how awful it would be. Scares the shit out of me and I wish I could make it stop, but I think it's fairly common and not particularly dangerous.

I'm pretty sure the only reason I've never killed myself is because I also have an extreme fear of dying, and the thought of never existing while the entire universe goes on without me makes me insanely sad. I just don't know, lol.

I get these thoughts when particularly stressed or run down. Sometimes they're almost impulses

But it's different from when I was seriously planning out my own death and setting affairs in order.

But sometimes I like to think about it and I have my kit, as a reminder that if shit really does get too hard for me I have a way out?

(except I can't do that, I have my pets and they're dependant on me...)

The thing is, that "fantasizing" or "thinking"? That's a form of planning. It's the impulsive sort that can quickly turn lethal. Trust me, that's how I know what NOT to have in my place because they are my chosen weapons for ending my life. Not everyone cries out for help; some people stuff everything down so deep that when they do finally give into the impulse, they don't have their affairs in order. Which is why people go "I never knew they were having these thoughts".

The big question is: Are you thinking about the future at all? Have you made any plans? Have any dreams?

If not, I'd get thee to a professional. Pronto. Lack of interest in a future life is a red flag.

If you want textbook definitions, passive suicidal ideation is along the lines of "I wish I were dead" or "I wish a bolt would come out of the blue". Active suicidal ideation is when those thoughts change to "get me a gun" or "I'll go drink that bleach."

- Anon who has dealt with suicidal thoughts/impulses for years and is under the care of several professionals who keep tabs on me, because those thoughts/impulses are the result of a wonky brain. Not-wonky-brain-me desperately wants to live!

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[ SECRET POST #2257 ]

Suicidal Ideation - Clarification? [TW]

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