fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2264 ]

[ SECRET POST #2264 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2264 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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04.

[Criminal Minds, Dharma & Greg]

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[Teen Wolf/Colton Haynes]

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[Alex and Emma Watson]

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[Anthony Bourdain and Guy Fieri]

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[World of Warcraft]

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[Kuroko no Basket]

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[Les Miserables]

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[Psycho Pass]

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[Journey Into Mystery]

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[ ----- SPOILERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

15. [SPOILERS for Buffy]

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[ ----- TRIGGERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

16. [SPOILERS for Spartacus]
[WARNING for rape]

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17. [WARNING for child abuse]
http://oi46.tinypic.com/25akho2.jpg
[Kuroshitsuji; linked for (obvious) child abuse, animated]

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18. [WARNING for incest]

[Revolution]

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19. [WARNING for rape/abuse]

[Assassin's Creed 3]

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #323.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I'm done with meds. I'm done. I've gained weight, I feel sluggish all the time, I have no motivation. I have no libido. I feel as I've been chemically castrated. The things I'm taking make me crave sugar all the time and I get tired even climbing stairs.

The last, what, seven years? I've been struggling with depression and anxiety. Truth is, I hate what my life has become. I'm going to be 25 and I'm still starting college (because I've had to re-start over and over again). I feel like an absolute failure. I used to be an intelligent person with motivation and plans for the future, but now I have none of those. I used to draw and participate in drama clubs, and sing, and play the guitar. I used to do so many things, when I was a teenager.

I want to be a writer, but I'm not even doing that. I just feel like I suck too much, and don't even start writing anything. I don't want to go to university, there's nothing resembling Creative Literature or Liberal Arts here. But I hate the idea of being an office drone or a blue-collar worker even more.

If I could erase the last seven years of my life, I would in a heartbeat. I would keep my cats, and the memories of my only accomplishment: A trip I made to Cuba when I was 19. Barring that, everything has been one disappointment after the other.

Even the people who bullied me at school have successful careers now, and are working towards independence. Whereas I'm stuck living with my mom, and will be there until I hit 35 IF I manage to not get kicked out of university this time.

I don't even do fandom stuff now. You guys are the only thing that lightens up my day lately :( Starting to become somewhat of a regular here is the best thing I've done.

Sorry for rambling. My therapist today was specially unhelpful, trying to push conformism on me and... I can't. I can't bear the idea of having such a mediocre life. I hate it, and hate myself for letting this happen.

*hugs* If I could take away the last seven years of your life and give you a future of happiness in return, I would in a heartbeat. *hugs again*

*Hugs back* I greatly appreciate your words, kind anon. It's been very tiring. I'm better now, but nothing will give me back all the time I spent cowering inside my house and I feel old. Like my time to do stuff passed.

na - I started my life at 27. I don't like to think about the 10 years between high school and then, but the last almost 9 years have been worth it. Not always great, often not even good, but always worth it. Someone much wiser than I said that where there is life, there is hope. I truly believe that even though sometimes I had trouble remembering to believe it.
also, *hugs*

Thank you, kind anon. It gives me hope to read things got better for you, and worth it. My best energies for you, so things continue being better every time. *hugs*

I'll PM you later today/tomorrow

I have experience with depression/meds

hang in there <3

Thank you, honey. Thank you so much. I really could use it. Please don't forget that I'd do the same for you, ok?

<3

Wow. It's like you've written down my life :/

- On meds (but wish I wasn't), sluggish, have gained weight, libido fluctuates depending on meds
- Recently turned 25
- Re-started college/uni over and over again
- Once had motivation
- I wanted to be a writer all my life, but I no longer write
- Would erase the last 7 years
- Traveled at 19
- Lives with mom
- I don't want a blue collared life but seems to be the only one I'll ever do

We should make a group called "Fuck, this wasn't what I wanted out of life by 25"

*hugs*

*Hugs a lot* I'm sorry you're going through that too, Nonnie. But hey, we're not alone, it seems. Maybe we all can get better together, or at least hope for it.

Oh, that was me, sorry ><; Guess in my heart I wanted to be anon, haha.

Knowing that I'm not alone does help a bit. Wish that neither of us were depressed etc of course tho.

If you ever want to message me to talk, I'm available; since we're in the same boat, I don't know what help I could give you, but at least talking sometimes helps. *Hugs again*

No worries! I'm glad I know who you are now :3

I'm agreeing with everything you said. We can keep each other company, at least. I'd love it if we could talk, message me too if you need an ear, ok? You seem to be a really sweet person, I wish you weren't depressed. *hugs more*

:)

I'm not the biggest journal updater ever, but would you mind if I friended you?

Heeeey~ Not at all, I'd be honored if you did ;D May I friend you back?

Of course! :)

(reply from suspended user)

I'm not planning on giving up therapy, but I'm really sick of meds. I've never liked being that dependent on something... and the meds I'm now, are better than those I was on last year. I spent three years on Venlafaxine, and it was awful. Got a feeling like electric shocks on my brain if I skipped a dose, it frightened me so much. But now it's the complete opposite: My current psychiatrist has been changing my meds so fast I'm not sure anything is working anymore. She will put me on something for two weeks, and on another thing the next session.

I didn't knew about DBT... it seems like my therapist doesn't work that way? I wish there was an easier way.

I've told my psychiatrist about this, but maybe it bears repeating. Maybe it's that I don't trust her. I don't know anymore. I am better now, I went through a phase in which I was unable to get out of the house. Like, at all. But now it seems like I'm stuck again, and even though I'm not agoraphobic now, I still have no self-esteem nor survival skills.

Sorry for the TL;DR, and thank you for the advice. It's greatly appreciated. <3

Hm, are there any adverse side effects that caused your doctor to yank you off meds so fast? I went through a period where my doctor was putting me on different anti-psychotics but they uh, made me psychotic (as in I was hallucinating shit every night and having horrible sleep disturbances) so I couldn't really deal with that longer than a few weeks or a month or however long I was suffering on those meds; it was necessary to stop the dosage. Have you indicated that you would like to stay on your meds longer? It may be that if you indicate that you're still experiencing symptoms of depression that your doctor interprets that to mean that you want to stop the medication (which I agree is dumb)

Also, is it possible to switch to a different psychiatrist? I know that sucks because then you have to explain your entire life story to a brand new psych pretty much, but if your current psychiatrist is not helping you it may be necessary

There has been no side effects. I was using SSRIs before, and now I'm on something that ups the dopamine levels. I'm on an antipsychotic too (Risperidone), and that one has remained constant, but the dosage changes every time and I'm getting tired of it.

Wellbutrin screwed me over just when I was in a really, really vulnerable place in my life, back on 2011. That was with a different psychiatrist.

I know that sucks because then you have to explain your entire life story to a brand new psych pretty much, but if your current psychiatrist is not helping you it may be necessary <- That's actually a good portion of the problem. I've been to many psychiatrists, and I don't even know what my diagnosis is. The current one is a young woman that's very understanding, but at this point I don't think I can trust anyone. :(

/hugs

Sorry to hear your medication might not be working out :(

It's very easy for me to get all nostalgic about when I was "smarter", and feel bad for living up to my own expectations. I'll reminisce about having less stress, more time, and more resources back then, and wonder how I've manage to squander so much opportunity to essentially have gone nowhere in my life.

But I find it's a terrible form of escapism, because unless I'm reflecting on what I did right back then so I could emulate it now, I'm
wasting time sighing over it. Again, it's very easy for me to fall into this habit, so I do understand it's not easy to just get over it and put these thoughts aside.

There's settling for something because it's one step towards your end goal (office droning, and then becoming a writer), and then there's settling because you believe there is nothing (office drone foreverrrrr).

I do hope you re-find passion in your interests and start writing again. And also that an opportunity for education that matters to you comes up.

*Hugs back! Late, but does*

You're right, I think. But it's hard to not get all nostalgic for times when I managed things better, and did more stuff. My whole life, my identity had been constructed around the things I was able to create and think and now it's like all of that went away. I don't know who am I anymore - though, I'm trying. Therapy has helped with that, giving more importance to my emotions instead of just my brain.

Thank you for the advice. I still don't know what I'm going to do about my education, but I'll be battling to get through it nevertheless, if that makes sense.

You know, I was in your boat until, like, January. Then I moved to Thailand, started writing for a living, and quit taking my meds (ADD meds, not depression) because they're illegal here.

I'm much happier now.

Just decide to take a step, any step toward what you're dreaming of. Sit down and write a hundred words, then write a hundred more. When it's done, say fuck it and self publish. Even short stories will sell. Your effort is worth money to someone. Fuck the next great American novel, they were all dull anyway. Don't wait on people to tell you that you're good enough, just go out there and do it.

The pursuit of perfect is the worst thing any of us do to ourselves.

/motivation speech.

I hope things look up for you. Just try to believe, you know? Work is a process of perpetual improvement. In the act of doing work, you improve yourself.

If I may ask, how did you manage to move to Thailand and write for a living? Many times, I've wondered if what I need is to quit cold turkey with all my environment and start anew...

I'm super glad you're happier now and that it's working for you. You have all my respect :3b

I'm a slow writer, and that doesn't help a lot. But what you're giving is good advice. I may not be able to do more than (say) 500 words in one sitting, but at least it will be 500 words that weren't there before. As for waiting for approval... I'm afraid I don't have much of a self-esteem. My process goes like this: When I'm daydreaming about characters and plots; or when I'm actually typing down what's in my head, I thoroughly enjoy it. But as soon as I hit a block, or finish something... I immediately hate what I did, and think it's mediocre. That makes finding motivation very hard.

I will try to believe. I'm astounded, and happy because a lot of people (including you) have been really kind to me, with this thread. I feel less lonely now.

I'll be doing my best, ok? Thank you so much.

What meds have you been on? What kind of therapy are you getting (if any?)

I know I was initially put on an SSRI but then the doctors realized I was bipolar and switched me to lithium, which made me fat and miserable, and then later to lamictal. I've been doing pretty well on anti-convulsants, I still get depressed but I can deal with it (even though it sucks). It's manageable now. It take a very long time to find the right meds or combination of meds and it's pretty much just trial and error

Also, I was really stressed at your age, too. I was out of college by then, finally, but dealing with a lot of stress trying to find a job, basically, your early to mid twenties are a really trying time. I don't think anyone is truly completely happy during that period, it's an important transitional period in your life and it's OKAY to be depressed and anxious about trying to find your path in life, trying to figure out what it is you're good at, etc. Those are normal emotions for anyone, much less someone struggling with depression. I know it sucks. And it's totally normal to be living with your family in your mid-twenties, there's no shame in having your family support you. That's what they are there for.

One thing I do recommend is getting exercise, not just for losing weight (that's probably the least important reason), but for your mood. I started running recently and it really helps me clear my head, I think it has something to do with endorphins in the brain that increase during physical activity or something. In any case, getting out and running or moving around is very good for dealing with mental illness. At the very least it makes me feel like I accomplished something when I'm in a rut where I can't do anything at all (like I am now).

Uh, I should've indicated it's okay to be a LITTLE depressed during that time, certainly not to the point that you can't get out of bed. I said that because you might not think you're getting any better on your meds but it could be that you are mixing up normal emotions with abnormal ones (which I do all the time, I always feel like it's inappropriate for me to be upset about anything, even things that are normal to be upset about, because I tend to fly off the handle and get overly emotional -- it makes it hard for me to even know what a normal emotional response is supposed to be like). Basically, it's understandable that anybody would feel like shit in the situation that you're in right now, and no amount of medication or therapy can really make all of those feelings go away

A little late, but I really wanted to answer you, if you don't mind.

I'm sad to hear you went through that, and that's still hard for you. But it's a good thing you're able to manage depression now, and that the meds are working. I don't think it's wrong to be emotional about things... Some people are more sensitive than others, and that's okay. It can be sucky, but (sorry if this sounds right out of a self-help book, I hate those) the capacity for feeling is a great thing, specially if you can channel it into happier ones and creative outlets.

I know meds are a thing of trial and error, but that's very scary for me. I don't like the idea of psychiatrists making a guinea pig out of my brain. I'm scared of the idea of them altering permanently something vital. I'm on Valproic Acid and Risperidone right now, and also Metylphenidate to counteract the absolute unwillingness to be awake that comes from the other two. I'm not a professional, but I do have an amateurish knowledge of psychiatric pharmacology and I know what the side effects of those are :( TBH, I'd rather ditch the psychiatrist, use small doses of therapeutic pot to deal with the anxiety and insomnia, and stay with my psychologist doing psychotherapy.

(I used to be on Venlafaxine for a long time and it fucked me over, it made me want to kill myself and feel electric zaps on my brain. Wellbutrin right out made me hallucinate things and I had the most paranoid two months of my life. And this are supposed to be anti-depressants? FFF.)

I'll try to be more consistent with my excersizing. I'm quite sedentary... I had been trying to take on running, but Valproic Acid messes with my sugar levels and I get tired really easily. Right now I'm trying to at least walk more, but I'd love to be able to run, even get to the point I'd be able to learn parkour some day.

Thank you so much for your long answer <3333 I really appreciate your willingness to listen and give me advice. I'll work hard to get better, ok? *hug* I hope things go well for you too.

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[ SECRET POST #2264 ]

Depression/Meds - In need of a hug :(

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