[ SECRET POST #2284 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2284 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 015 secrets from Secret Submission Post #326.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 1 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 - random porn ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[fscom]

06. http://i.imgur.com/3gBFhs1.jpg

[(Anonymous)]

then you are going to continue to be lonely. i understand the whole "push people away before they do it to me" thing because i do it too. but you either have to learn to get over it....or learn to live without friends.

[elaminator]

This is the harsh truth. I've lost plenty of friends (both IRL and online) over the years but I can still look back on most of them with a smile. Maybe you should try to change your attitude regarding this. I know it won't be easy, but it sounds like you might be happier if you succeed.

[al28894]

Yeah, agreed. Either you learn to get out and try to be social, or you must learn to live with no one to talk to.

After being in the latter situation for a year, I prefer living with a few friends to call on.

[writerserenyty]

This; friends come and go, stuff happens, but I think it's worse being lonely. I think back on my friends who I don't see anymore and while I sometimes miss them (I don't talk to my high school friends that much; we kind of went separate ways) I still value the times we had together. Hell, internet friends too. You have to accept that you might have disappointments if you want to have the good.

[(Anonymous)]

not true. i'm a person quite similar to the op to the point i can be excessively harsh. somehow.... i don't even know how.... this girl kept sticking around, just let every cold attitude go off like teflon. she's been my best friend for a decade now. i still can be very cold to people.

just never her anymore.

so it can happen.

[unicornherds]

Well with that attitude, yeah, not worth it. But if you really want to make some friends then you're going to have to put some effort into changing the way you think and act. Going into any new relationship, whether it's online or off, with cynicism, coldness, and the idea that no relationship will ever last....that's not gonna work.

[insanenoodlyguy]

Have fun with your misery in your sad old age!

[silverr]

If it doesn't last forever, it's not worth doing at all?

OP reply

[(Anonymous)]

Not when it leaves me more messed up than how I started.
Unless I want to choke down more antidepressants.

Taking unnecessary chances used to be a thing I did, but I learned my lesson well on that.

Re: OP reply

[(Anonymous)]

But...not all relationships that don't last forever fucks you up. Or it shouldn't. Friendships come and go, it's just the way some work. You know yourself best and what your limits are, but with a defeatist attitude like this I don't really see how you can ever be happy.

Re: OP reply

[(Anonymous)]

Forever is one thing. Them forgetting me abruptly and on such a petty basis as my moving away is another. I've always made it a point to keep in contact with people, even if I live far away.
I think only my fiance, my family, and one of my friends ever actually made an effort to get back to me in any form.

It shouldn't fuck me up, but it does. I have pretty bad issues with depression and anxiety, especially social anxiety. So most problems like this tend to make me completely flip my shit if I don't dial up the apathy immediately.
I'm obviously not completely apathetic, but enough that it lets me manage my emotions. So putting more stress and drama in there messes up the whole system.
Being lonely sucks. But my health and safety are a bit more important.

Re: OP reply

[(Anonymous)]

I'm sorry your friends were such dicks.
That said, this is ridiculous. Trying to live your life alone will fuck you up a thousand times worse than people leaving you ever will. Your one regret on your dying day will be not trying harder to get along with people. This playing the martyr thing won't do you any favors in the long run.

Re: OP reply

[(Anonymous)]

Some people are good at keeping in touch at a distance. Some people just aren't. I've learned to accept that I fall into the latter category, and deal with it by cultivating a lot of shallow arm's-length Internet relationships and a small handful of real-life friends who are also friends of my husband, who is more socially adept and more or less forces me to stay in contact with them.

Cynical, impatient and cold, though? I don't think it's necessary to go that route to keep a safe emotional distance. Caution bordering on paranoia about my real-life information, while keeping a laser-like focus on fandom matters, works pretty well for me.

Re: OP reply

[(Anonymous)]

Hang on OP,your fiance? You've managed to get engaged and keep a good relationship with family. I think you need to view those people as your core support group, and friends as transient and enjoy them whilst you are with them.

Hard to do I know, I angst all the time about friends, but I don't have a close family or a partner.

Re: OP reply

[silverr]

I'm truly sorry you feel that way.

(Personally, I accept that fandom associations will be fleeting, try to enjoy them while they last. that, and I keep my expectations low.)

[(Anonymous)]

But when you move to the new fandom, you will make NEW friends. And you can convert some of your old fandom friends to your new fandom - corrupting the innocent is the best part!

[quantumreality]

Aw, anon! :(

Yeah, it can suck when you graduate high school, and like 3 months later nobody has any idea who you are. I've found that no matter what, it takes a determined effort to stay friends with someone when there's no common milieu pushing you two together every so often.

Fandom friends can be fickle, too, but the ones who stay and respond to PMs and emails and chat with you - they're golden. They really are.

So hang in there :)

[scherrymouse]

Thing is, I met my best online friends at a Harry Potter fanfic forum which they no longer even go to. Three years on, we still regularly Skype, text, tumblr message, twitter message and send letters via snailmail about a ton of things. I think even if they went off Harry Potter - the original basis of our friendship - and I didn't, it wouldn't end the friendship.

I know there are definitely friendships which seem to rely on a specific fandom interest or activity to continue, I've had them (and I've also had plenty of friendships which failed for other reasons), but those aren't actually the only friendships you will find in fandom - that is, if you're approachable in the first place, which it sounds like you aren't letting yourself be.

I, too, have a lot of problems looking back at the past and feeling sad that when I left school the majority of my RL friendships just... died. This was partly my fault, partly theirs, but it happened and it's done and it sucked.

But if you want to make friends ever again? Feeling cynical and hung-up won't get you anywhere, OP. You can draw parallels, but every relationship is different.

Just get out there and meet people. It's hard, but I'm sure there are people who share your interests - plural - and are lonely, too. Such is the nature of the internet, right? :)

[rivulet027]

Friendship change and grow and you can have many different kinds. I have friends I talk to nearly everyday and yeah sometimes I miss them when they're not there, but I know they might be there tomorrow and they're good friends. I have this one friend, the one I loving refer to as my brother, and we see each other when we can. Sometimes months go by and haven't seen each other except to text, sometimes we haven't text each other in weeks, but we always manage to pick right back up where we left off. We've been friends for over ten years now.

I'm sorry that losing your best friend is still affecting you. It's rough having to move on from friendship and if that friendship would still be healthy for you I hope that one day you two can salvage it.

Have you ever read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman? It's a really good look at how different people percieve love and relationships.

[(Anonymous)]

It really depends a great deal on how YOU act once you move to a new fandom. If you then put all your effort into that fandom and those people and ignore your old friends? Well, they have EVERY right to drop you, too.

You need to learn that friendship requires effort on both parts, yours too.

[netbug009]

*hugs*