Case (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
case) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandomsecrets2013-05-05 03:31 pm
case) wrote in fandomsecrets2013-05-05 03:31 pm
[ SECRET POST #2315 ]
⌈ Secret Post #2315 ⌋
Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.
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Notes:
Secrets Left to Post: 04 pages, 081 secrets from Secret Submission Post #331.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.
Re: I need some help/advice, guys (sexuality-related, ridiculously long)
(Anonymous) 2013-05-06 01:22 am (UTC)(link)I'm sorry, I should've explained further. I DID feel that way at the time but I do realize now that it's not true. I do sort of feel like society at large doesn't consider a relationship real if it doesn't include sex but maybe that's not the case, and even if it is, I guess it's their problem.
I guess deep down I realize I should blame him instead of myself but even when I try to tell myself that I don't totally believe it. (It doesn't help that I have a mother who thinks sex is the absolute most important part of a relationship and that if someone isn't interested their partner is 100% entitled to cheat and that cheating behind their back is 'kinder' than just leaving them.) So that's good to hear, thank you.
If you feel attracted to both sexes, and this attraction does not need to be in exactly the same way, then you can call yourself bisexual.
That's something I've been thinking about lately but it seems most people think it means you have to be into both in exactly the same ways and equal amounts. Maybe that's just people not quite understanding bisexuality though?
Now, what you can label yourself is only something you can decide. There are a couple of options, I guess, whether bisexual, biromantic (though personally I find that the -romantic labels have their own unfortunate implications), asexual, whatever.
Would you mind sharing what you think the unfortunate implications are? The various *romantic labels sort of bother me, but I've never really been able to explain why.
What you need to remember though is that sexual labels are like a generalization. They have some stretch. You do not need to be the ultimate textbook case of whichever label you want to adopt. It is fine if there are some details on which you differ from the standard. Everybody does. No sexual label is ever going to describe you 100% and quite frankly, it doesn't need to.
This actually helps a lot. I guess I've sort of always had it in my head that there are these rigid boxes that you need to fit into perfectly. I've been questioning that concept more and more recently but this made it click in a way that it really hadn't before, so thank you.
Just identify with what makes you feel happiest (which seems to be asexual from your story) and remember that sexuality is fluid for most people.
To be completely honest bisexual feels more 'right' to me but I didn't feel like I was 'allowed' to use it (as stupid as that sounds). I used asexual at first, and I used it in my post because most people here know what it means and it got my point across, but the more I think about all this stuff I don't particularly like it as a label although I'm not sure I could explain why in a way that makes sense to anyone other than me and even if I could it would take forever. So I don't know, I'm still kind of confused about that part.
But anyway, your comment is awesome and has helped put a lot of things into perspective for me so thank you!
Re: I need some help/advice, guys (sexuality-related, ridiculously long)
Anyone implying that bisexuality means being attracted to different genders the same way/the same amount definitely lacks an understanding of bisexuality. There are some bi people who may be attracted to men and women in the same way, but that's not the case with me, personally, or with most of the other bi people that I know.
SA
(Anonymous) 2013-05-06 02:13 am (UTC)(link)And yeah, a lot of it comes down to people have very bad misunderstandings about bisexuality. You know, bisexuals are suppose to always be on and date people of both sexes at the same time and need to always been into all sexes equally and ugh, it is just a load of bullshit. Disregard it. Personally, I am bi and my interest between the sexes fluctuates a lot. Sometimes I am just all 'man, I want a girlfriend', sometimes I am just all 'wow a boyfriend would be nice', sometimes I just don't care. It kinda spins around, really. Whether you are equally into everyone or 80% into girls and 20% into dudes or you flip it around a lot, as long as you wouldn't mind dating people regardless of sex, then you are welcome to the club in my book! To me, every sexuality only really has one main 'rule' (like, homosexuals are into people of their own sex, heterosexuals into the opposite sex, and bisexuals into both) that you should fit, but anything beyond that (having sex a lot/a little/not at all, feeling attracted equally or not, being up for wild monkey sex with a stranger or only being able to get it up for someone who is your best friend) is more like guidelines.
Also, the unfortunate implications. Well, these might just be me personal, but... I dislike how the asexual community (which is where these labels originated from, as far as I know) gets so hyperfocused on sex, to the point where they really seem to create this unnecessary us vs them attitude, -sexuals vs asexual and it just kinda makes me uncomfortable, especially when it so often comes with a nice dose of slutshaming. When someone is bisexual, homosexual, heterosexual, whichever, that label actually doesn't say shit about the amount of sex they are having. The -sexual in the label is not a reference to any making of the beast with two backs, it just about the sexes of the people who you are willing to date. So in that way the labels feel very superfluous. very much 'oh god don't lump me in with those people'.
Plus, well, I think there is a trend were people are trying to narrow down something as complex as sexual attraction into these neat little boxes and labels. Which leads to increasingly narrow labels that to my mind actually do not help anyone. It makes everything more confusing than it should be and gives people unnecessary anxiety over not meeting the whole washlist of tiny details of all these very specific labels like you experienced. Rather than work on finding some tiny obscure label for something who matches the going label for like 80% and then has some personal uniqueness, we should be working on being more inclusive. There is far too much discriminating even within our minority groups. None of this 'you are only a real lesbian/gay/bisexual if XYZ'. We already gotta constantly fight against discrimination coming from the outside, could we at least stop trying to stab each other in the back, you know?
(not to mention, wow overshare? Like, okay, the world at large wants labels, but with all these really narrow new labels popping up, it just feels like, man, I just wanted to know if I had a chance with you, I really don't need to know if you only turn your crank every other tuesday while yodelling in the moonlight. Quit telling me about how much sex you are (not) having! I really do not need to know.)
I think often when it comes to a label, you just have to go with what feels right, as cliche as that sounds, and allow yourself to just trust to know that you know what is best for you. which can be hard when so many people in the world are pretty ignorant or just downright shitty, but just fuck them, you know? They are not you! They do not know you like you know you. the only expert in the field of you is you.
Re: SA
Re: SA
(Anonymous) 2013-05-06 04:02 am (UTC)(link)To me, every sexuality only really has one main 'rule' (like, homosexuals are into people of their own sex, heterosexuals into the opposite sex, and bisexuals into both) that you should fit, but anything beyond that (having sex a lot/a little/not at all, feeling attracted equally or not, being up for wild monkey sex with a stranger or only being able to get it up for someone who is your best friend) is more like guidelines.
That makes the most sense to me of anything I've heard. I think all the extra labels/categories just make it unnecessarily complicated, and to be completely honest I think they're what's caused me so much angst and confusion over this.
Also, the unfortunate implications. Well, these might just be me personal, but... I dislike how the asexual community (which is where these labels originated from, as far as I know) gets so hyperfocused on sex, to the point where they really seem to create this unnecessary us vs them attitude, -sexuals vs asexual and it just kinda makes me uncomfortable, especially when it so often comes with a nice dose of slutshaming.
That's actually exactly the same way I feel about it. And I feel kind of slow for just now realizing this but you're exactly right that it's the asexual community who's created that us vs. them mentality with the various labels and their definitions (if someone had asked me before now I probably would've said 'society' was responsible but honestly, I'm not sure that most of society is even aware of those labels). And that definitely goes a long way to explain why asexuality-centered sites have always made me feel so shitty. That kind of us vs. them attitude is not productive or helpful to anyone.
When someone is bisexual, homosexual, heterosexual, whichever, that label actually doesn't say shit about the amount of sex they are having. The -sexual in the label is not a reference to any making of the beast with two backs, it just about the sexes of the people who you are willing to date. So in that way the labels feel very superfluous. very much 'oh god don't lump me in with those people'.
That's how I've always thought of it. I've been told by a handful of people that I'm wrong and the -sexual in all of those terms refers to the actual act of having sex, but that's never made much sense to me.
Plus, well, I think there is a trend were people are trying to narrow down something as complex as sexual attraction into these neat little boxes and labels. Which leads to increasingly narrow labels that to my mind actually do not help anyone. It makes everything more confusing than it should be and gives people unnecessary anxiety over not meeting the whole washlist of tiny details of all these very specific labels like you experienced. Rather than work on finding some tiny obscure label for something who matches the going label for like 80% and then has some personal uniqueness, we should be working on being more inclusive. There is far too much discriminating even within our minority groups. None of this 'you are only a real lesbian/gay/bisexual if XYZ'. We already gotta constantly fight against discrimination coming from the outside, could we at least stop trying to stab each other in the back, you know?
Definitely.
(not to mention, wow overshare? Like, okay, the world at large wants labels, but with all these really narrow new labels popping up, it just feels like, man, I just wanted to know if I had a chance with you, I really don't need to know if you only turn your crank every other tuesday while yodelling in the moonlight. Quit telling me about how much sex you are (not) having! I really do not need to know.)
I think that's why I don't really like asexual as a label (at least when used with its 'official' definition). If it just meant 'not interested in dating either sex' like gay people are into the same sex and straight people are into the opposite sex and bi people are into both, then it would at least make sense to me. But to have a whole separate label/category based entirely on how much sex someone is or isn't having just seems kind of unnecessary to me.
Anyway, yes. You are awesome and your comments have made me feel way better and less confused about things so thank you.
SA
(Anonymous) 2013-05-06 09:55 pm (UTC)(link)I think there is definitely pressure from society on those that do not fit the general sexual mores, but with the asexual community... to me a big problem is that they seem to see it as this pressure that is solely directed at them. As if, the moment you have sex you are totally in the clear and nobody pressures you at all anymore. Which is very much not the case. Especially not if you are a girl. So by making it this us vs them thing, not only are they alienating a lot of people who would otherwise be sympathetic to their cause and also understand what it is like, but well... we need all the people we can get to change this ridiculous attitude our society has towards sex. Again, by dividing us up unnecessarily, we have far less power than if we all come together.
Re: SA
(Anonymous) 2013-05-06 04:56 am (UTC)(link)I love this part. This is the reason for my exasperation with specific labels. A lot of this stuff is only relevant if you are looking to date a person or they are looking to date you. For everyone else, going into specifics is about as interesting as hearing that you always put on your left sock before the right one. It's not important and it makes people look vain when they act as if it's just something everyone needs to know.