fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2317 ]

[ SECRET POST #2317 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2317 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

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Now I'm all for finding something to connect to in creative works and all of that. Finding some kind of commonality, some way to identify with a character or situation.

But what really bothers me is when people claim to relate to characters, when those characters are majorly shaped by trauma or huge misfortune,

I'm just kind of frustrated, because a lot of the times these people can't connect to these characters, because they haven't had these types of experiences. And I know this kind of makes me sound like a bitter douchebag.

But it's just that I have had experiences with some nasty, gruesome, and traumatic stuff, and seeing it reflected in creative media makes me go, "Oh shit I know how that feels." But I feel like I'm a freak or an attention-whore if I try to talk about it in a fandom space as related to characters. Because nobody wants to hear about the gruesome shit someone irl has gone through, even as connected to a fictional character, it just feels awkward.

But I can't help but feel frustrated when these people whose worst experiences, while undoubtedly feel bad for them, are really pretty standard and normal, try to claim they understand these what these characters have been through when it's on a completely different level.

To me, I guess it feels almost disrespectful of the stuff they've been through. And, even irrationally, kind of disrespectful of the stuff I've went through, as though comparing breaking up with your boy/girlfriend is comparable on any conceivable level as watching someone get physically mangled in front of you.

... I guess maybe I just feel sad and left out of a fandom where it should be okay to relate to terrible shit you've done/seen, have it normalized a bit, when all I feel like is just the most fucked up person in the room.

And the rest of everyone else are douchey teenagers who think they're edgy and dark. :(

I know, I'm an asshole. I'm sorry.

Everybody reacts to things differently and everyone handles their pain differently. Just because something doesn't seem like a big deal to you doesn't mean it wasn't to them. And they might not be describing everything they've gone through in detail.

I've sorry for all you've been through but you need to take a step back and not take other people's issues personally.

Pretty much this. I've been through some seriously nasty stuff in my life - but I don't talk about it. Like, ever, outside of private conversations with fairly good friends [and even that is rare] - but I'll say 'Oh man, I totally get how that character feels.'

However, by what you can see I'd probably seem to be a 'sheltered fan' when that really isn't the case.

Tl;DR: Anon above me is right - you really can't tell what a person has been through, or how it's effected them.

I'm sorry you've been through that stuff, and I see your point. But I think I may have misrepresented myself?

I meant more like... actual well-cared-for teenagers thinking they're dark and misunderstood and edgy, but they're relating to characters who have had completely different life experiences. Like... keeping someone from bleeding out in front of you is a different thing than going to therapy for your generalized anxiety disorder. But they treat it like they're emotional equivalents.

Like the representation of seeing people panicked and in pain and terrified in one situation is comparable or applicable to all situations. I mean like-- I get anxious about taking city buses, but it never carries the same emotional depth as watching someone I care about almost get killed. I guess I just wish they had perspective?

I know, this is douchey. I'm being a douche. It's good that people can feel somewhere to connect to, maybe normalize and share their feelings. Again, I'm just being bitter. I sort of wish I had a place to do that too, and share and own up to the crap I've been through, and have a safe way to relate it through fandom.

(reply from suspended user)

Oh god thank you. You have no idea what kind of relief I felt just reading that.

You are 10000% correct with the feeling of not being able to let go of something after you just shut off the show, because it's something you'll always remember having gone through. But I totally understand people being uncomfortable hearing about my actual rl experiences.

And I'm glad that I'm not alone feeling this, or that I'm stupid or wrong for feeling alone to begin with. Thank you for understanding, it makes me feel better.

(Side note: while this wasn't the fandom I was thinking of earlier, the one time my crap experiences came in use and was well received was when I wrote a meta series for SPN about the guys growing up poor and how that influenced how they acted, and what they liked, and what they wore and how they lived. Which drew a bunch of other folks who lived like that, which was what helped them relate to SPN, and were so glad to see that they weren't alone. So that was a nice experience.)

(reply from suspended user)

Wow-- I had no idea about this reaction being pretty standard. Makes me feel a bit less like a douche for reacting the way I have been.

I can totally understand about how people might feel like they're being trivialized when someone comes out with something objectively more traumatic/difficult to deal with. I really don't mean to do that at all, or have that effect, I really just want to share something about my life and how maybe it can happen irl, and maybe help others understand what might the characters be feeling.

I mean personally, I know all too well what it feels like to have your experiences downplayed or ignored in the interest of others comfort, or as an adaptive response to deal with the shit as you're living with it, so I wouldn't want other people to ever feel like their experiences don't matter. I would just like for them to understand that having experienced some things does not put them on the same level as these characters,

And thank you again; I mean, I know the idea is that everyone has a hard path to hoe, but I'm also glad I'm not a bad person for being frustrated with people's lack of perspective. I'm glad that it's okay to be upset.

(Especially with the fandom I've been tooling around in, the whole being poor has a myriad of terrifying implications that are just not a problem in more affluent circles.)

You're right, I know. And I know everything is relative, and people have different ways of looking at things. I guess I'm just frustrated at scads of teenagers feeling like they can relate to experiences that I'm pretty sure most of them have never been close to.

But I shouldn't be-- if it helps them feel less lonely and helpless with their situation, that's good.

I guess... I just wish I could talk about my situations in these fandoms without feeling like a freak. But that is kind of willfully stupid of me, because the majority of people won't ever have the kinds of experience I have, which is why they're so drawn to representations of terror and pain in creative media, because they can enjoy it from a safe distance and feel cathartic, without actually having lived it.

I'm sorry I'm just feeling stupid and lonely in fan space, because I can't talk about why I feel I relate to the characters, when lots of other people feel that they can.

It makes sense that you feel that way, but I think rather than direct experiences, a lot of people just connect to more extreme things in metaphorical ways because this is what a lot of media does: it makes rare, extreme experiences universal and relatable to a much broader audience.

And I think what most people pick up on is a similar emotional state that they can relate back to their own traumas.

There are some things that people should definitely be more careful about, but overall I just think the line cuts both ways in this case, although I'm sorry it does end up making you go through that.

Thank you for putting it that way, that does give me another perspective on this. I mean, I was sort of grasping at this idea, but you put it so well and succinctly.

This may sound kind of stupid, but do you think there's a place to share the more extreme experiences in fan spaces, as relating through these creative media? Maybe constructively, in some way, so it doesn't just sound like a lot of bitching about experiences?

I'm just glad it was useful! Honestly, I didn't really know if it was my place to say it, and I had just hoped I didn't come off as gruff or dismissive

And that's not stupid at all, anon!

Instinctively, I'd say that yes, there's definitely a place for it. However, I'm not really sure how to put that into action either.

With the advent of tumblr transforming open-forum discussion more into this really big game of telephone, on a larger and less personal scale the easiest way may just be meta essays. They would give you a lot of breadth to talk about the intersection of personal experience, portrayal of this sort of thing in the media, and the way it flows down in a way the audience can relate to.

Plus it would give a hook (fictional characters people care about) while also giving the breadth to give voice to important criticisms--since like I think you were saying originally, too, desensitization is definitely an uncomfortable part of this, and can also unfortunately be part of what makes them "palatable".

Otherwise I think just talking about them in whatever way you're comfortable with (you definitely don't need to put yourself on the line) and how that filters down through media, and why that's good/bad/other is pretty constructive in itself.

Deconstructing and analyzing specific instances and characters is also always a good way to communicate. Even maybe advice for fic writers, to help them avoid engaging in harmful (and just as often lazy) cliches that do little more than press a button.

On LJ and DW it could also just be easier to talk to people directly.

Anyway, sorry for prattling on. It's mostly just brainstorming, but I really do think that anything that helps people understand the depth of what they're writing and consuming is a good thing.

Don't apologize, this has helped immensely!

Thanks for the suggestions, it's given me a lot to think about. I do, in fact, have a lot of meta about a lot of the specific issues I've been thinking about, but I guess I've been too chicken to put them out there in fandom. (Also your description of tumblr is hilarious and sadly accurate. But I think you're right in that meta is a good medium for this platform.)

And you're right, being able to use creative media and characters to get fans to feel and think about actual issues they may have become desensitized to, and be able to present it in a light they haven't thought of before.

Thanks again, I'll be thinking on how and if I should offer up my experiences for fandom.

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[ SECRET POST #2317 ]

Sheltered fan rant

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